theHurting

Today the rain outside matches the pain in my heart. Damp, cold, softly and dully persistent casting a gray shadow over my life. I fell into a world I thought would embrace me because I wanted it so badly. I was so open to the new, to the experience and to any and all possibilities…save one.

I wasn’t prepared to fall in love.

And worse yet, I wasn’t prepared to fall in love with someone who would give me everything I asked for in a lover but who was incapable of giving me the things I needed most in a partner. Acceptance and the freedom to be me.

Is it really too much to ask that your partner be present? That they spend more of their time in the real world with you than in a fantasy land of their own with scenarios that no mere mortal could possibly live up too? Is it really too much to ask that when the warm and wonderful adult woman comes out, that she stay?

I lied. I did fall in love with the woman. That I can not deny.

She made me feel safe and grounded. I admired her. I wanted to learn from her. She was a kind, compassionate teacher who had wisdom to share and a hunger for life. And she was such a passionate lover. I loved the sound of her voice, the curl of her hair, and the way she laughed that deep throaty knowing laugh. I loved the way she touched me, smiled at me…wanted me. I want her. I recognize her. It’s that fucking child I want to destroy. She is needy, insecure, jealous, possessive and smothering! And if she learned nothing else about me in a year and a half, did she not learn that the quickest way to lose me is to smother me? Fuck!

And now my first relationship with a woman is all but over and I am such a mass of conflicted emotions that I can’t articulate how I’m feeling. I could say I hate her but I am angry right now. Bitter, angry and hurting. Not a good combination and mixed with alcohol, which will come later, suicide, murder and/or digression are all but a hair breath away from each other.

I didn’t think I had any more tears left to cry but apparently, I have an endless supply of the fuckers! My chest hurts and literally feels like it’s being ripped open and I just want the hurting to end…

I am in pain.
I am in denial.
I can’t go to her.
I can’t talk to friends.
I ache.
I can’t breathe.

I am alone in my sadness…

Today, I am not liking becoming Trish.