Homeward Bound

On the GO train. Heading to Toronto. Specifically The Danforth. I’ve read the news, listened to the eye witness account, seen the videos. And it’s still mind numbing and heartbreaking. And it still makes no sense.

My immediate family and friends are safe, unharmed. No one I love has been shot. Wow. What an incredible statement that was to write. 😔

My daughter, who still lives in Toronto, is meeting me at Broadview subway, just a few blocks from where the shootings occurred, and we will walk hand in hand, grateful that we are still able to do so together. We will go to the place of incredible sadness and fill the space with as much love and healing our spirits will allow.

It’s all we can do.

But it’s something.

When I told her that I didn’t understand the world anymore this is what she wrote…

“It’s the hormones in our meat Mom and what we we’ve done to the environment. 😔 Natural rhythms have been entirely disrupted to the point of mass sickness. It makes sense. Plants can’t grow in a toxic atmosphere, neither can we.”

She has a point.

A very real one.

Humans are not healthy. Mass production of our chemically laden foods are causing us to become diseased. Cancer. Mental illness. Killing sprees. When did these things become the norm??? What the hell is going on???

Two weeks ago I decided to give up meat cuz my body is telling me it’s time. I hurt and feel unhealthy and I know my diet is largely responsible. I already feel cleaner, thinner, lighter and more alert. Kinda scary. But I’ll write about that another time. I have just arrived in Toronto.

I’ll write more soon.

Namaste 🙏🏽🌼❤️

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Finding Solace

I’ve been trying to decipher what is intentionally good in my life versus what is not. It’s not an easy thing to wade through. The waters are murky and deep and filled with emotional piranhas who could devour my peace of mind in seconds.

The constant movement of bile and bias, of old love and new love, of memory and reality, coat me in oil slick residue that feels thick and permanent and over time, has made me almost tear proof.

Almost.

My Sadness will always be there. Buried deep inside. Between the sheets, around the beats, beneath the heat of my valleys and peaks, and at the center of any happiness I may find along the way. It is the bluish blackish bruise of me and I have embraced it as such in its entirety.

I am neither happy nor sad, neither confused nor certain, neither hurting nor healed. I am simply here, living in the quiet storm of this crazy existence. Some days feel dangerously volatile and others deceptively calm. Yet through it all, I find solace in the shade and shadows of yesterday.

No longer frantic and filled with regret and the endless ache of wanting and wishing, the past has become a place of sweet memory and a gentle reminder that love remains in each and everything we have touched, are touching now, and will ever touch in the future.

Today I’m ok with that.

It brings me solace.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and life, as always, is full of possibility. And hey, I’m still here to tell the story.

I am grateful. 🙏🏽🌼❤️