Strong. Beautiful. Community.

My phone exploded with messages from friends and family telling me of the horror. I had barely been at work an hour when the texting began.

Slowly a first. A then a flood of concern and inquiry.

“Is everyone at Home alright?” They asked.

“I think so. Why? What’s happened?” I had no idea.

“Turn on the TV!” They replied.

I found the remote.

It didn’t take long.

It was everywhere.

A lone gunman had walked down a stretch of street as familiar to me as the back of my hand and opened fire.

An 18-year-old girl. Dead. Executed when she tripped and fell while trying to run away.

A 10-year-old girl. Dead. Succumbed to her injuries later in hospital.

Just like that. Bang. Bang.

Two precious lives taken.

And the ripple of shock was immeasurable.

My breath stopped.

My stomach clenched.

I felt ill.

And then I cried.

The brutality was so cruel. The meanness so deliberate. The loss so unnecessary.

This, not only in the city I was born, but in the neighborhood I’ve called Home for more than 40 years. On a festive and familiar stretch of street I’ve lived on and laughed on and cried on and loved on since an age I can’t remember.

The Danforth of Greek Town.

A street I’ve walked countless times with family and friends, and my own precious child. Moments and memories treasured and immortalized in the very pavement now stained with the blood of this unprecedented, senseless killing.

He just walked. Stopped. Turned. And without warning, shot into the face of innocence. Over and over. Killing the peaceful trust of my community. My neighborhood. My family.

No one will ever be the same.

He’s dead, this nameless shooter. This bastard who felt it his right to destroy and take the lives of others. His lifeless body found in some back alley. Self-inflicted or maybe the police? Who knows? Who cares? Doesn’t really matter. Even if he had lived, he took something that could never be given back with an unsatisfactory explanation.

Though were I Her mother, I’d want one.

These acts of rage and hatred and cowardice are becoming far too random and are happening far too often. We are so much better than this! I don’t understand what is happening anymore in this world, or why. And I’m so saddened and incredibly fucking pissed off that this is something the children of today have to understand, accept and survive.

This kind of shit is their future.

It’s so unfair.

So fucking unfair.

I’m going to visit Toronto tomorrow. A trip planned before this awfulness occurred. And I will visit my Danforth community and pay somber homage to the loss and shattered lives so deeply affected by this senseless killing and terrorization. I will see familiar faces in pain and they’ll all ask, “Why did this happen?” And I will wonder, just like them, at the needless cruelty of people.

I will walk that stretch of familiar street with a very sad and very heavy heart, and it will hurt my soul to see and feel the pain of confusion and disbelief and anger I know I will find in the aftermath of such inexplicable madness. But I will leave as much love and healing energy behind as I possibly can in the hopes that it will help the familiar and unfamiliar faces of the people and the place I lovingly, happily and faithfully call Home.

Toronto’s Danforth.

Strong. Beautiful. Community.

We will survive.

❤️

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Finding Solace

I’ve been trying to decipher what is intentionally good in my life versus what is not. It’s not an easy thing to wade through. The waters are murky and deep and filled with emotional piranhas who could devour my peace of mind in seconds.

The constant movement of bile and bias, of old love and new love, of memory and reality, coat me in oil slick residue that feels thick and permanent and over time, has made me almost tear proof.

Almost.

My Sadness will always be there. Buried deep inside. Between the sheets, around the beats, beneath the heat of my valleys and peaks, and at the center of any happiness I may find along the way. It is the bluish blackish bruise of me and I have embraced it as such in its entirety.

I am neither happy nor sad, neither confused nor certain, neither hurting nor healed. I am simply here, living in the quiet storm of this crazy existence. Some days feel dangerously volatile and others deceptively calm. Yet through it all, I find solace in the shade and shadows of yesterday.

No longer frantic and filled with regret and the endless ache of wanting and wishing, the past has become a place of sweet memory and a gentle reminder that love remains in each and everything we have touched, are touching now, and will ever touch in the future.

Today I’m ok with that.

It brings me solace.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and life, as always, is full of possibility. And hey, I’m still here to tell the story.

I am grateful. 🙏🏽🌼❤️

Fuck YOU

This is a note to the reader of my blog who feels it necessary to forward my posts to the attention of my partner.

Fuck YOU.

You, no doubt, want to stir up the muddy sediment of insecurity and fear in the hopes of what? I’m still not clear since you have nothing to gain, and a friendship to lose.

FUCK YOU.

I get that, sadly, you are one of those people who are never happy unless you are causing turmoil in the lives of others, and that your penchant for nosy-parking, gossiping, maligning and defaming character is on par with your lack of self-respect and ignorance, but honestly and with reverence I sincerely say again and again…

FUCK YOU!

You’re a coward.

And a cunt.

And a poor excuse for a decent human being.

You’re the puss of the infected thing that feeds on the pond scum.

Seriously, bitch.

Move on with your sad little pathetic life.

And leave mine alone.

Aaaah. I feel better now.

Every now and again you need a good rant!!!

Releasing and moving on.

Namaste. 🙏🏽🌼❤️

Have a nice day!

Time Lessons

She promised she would never leave. But she did. I’m sure she’s forgotten and expects to be forgiven the breaking of her word.

She said she couldn’t imagine life without me in it. Clearly, she didn’t realize imagination is limitless.

She said we’d be friends. I see no evidence of that. She never calls, or writes or texts hello. No check-in. No “how are you?”. No interest.

Time is a valuable teacher. Often a harsh bearer of reality checks. But given enough of them, one can’t help but heed the lessons, desired or not.

The lens thru which I saw her, felt her, knew her and loved her, has fractured by the passage of time and the neglect in her deliberate silence.

My perception of what was is changing in the spectacularly enlightened kaleidoscope of spiritual growth and the slow rivers of acceptance that wash me clean of the shame and blame.

Life moves on with only a whispering reminder that our moments together are so thin and fragile and will never be here again. I only wish we all knew and understood and treasured them as such. Perhaps then, there would be nothing to forgive.

My lesson this time? Cuz there’s always a lesson.

Cherish all of my moments and remember, love is precious. Listen to the whispers of Life.

I get it now.

Wisdom in a forgotten birthday wish.

Loss

It’s been a while. I know. Life has gotten simpler and yet much more complex. My priorities are changing, and mostly now, by my design. And I am finally beginning to fully embrace the intellection of loss.

A walk gently into the night is not exactly how I would describe this figuring out. This understanding. This learning to live with the acceptance of such a painful truth. But life has offered me no recourse. So here I am. Accepting.

People leave.

They leave. And it hurts. A lot.

By abandonment.

Or death.

And honestly, having experienced both on such fundamentally profound levels, I’m really not sure which is more painful.

There are so many things I don’t understand when it comes to love and loving. Perhaps I never will. But I do know that my heart is not the kind of heart that loves and forgets. Once touched by a sweet gentleness, a genuine kindness, or a passionate kiss that bruised my lips, the memory imprints and lingers. Forever.

Mine will always be a heart devastated by loss. Friends. Family. Lovers. Even gone, they still remain. Anchored to my soul, woven into the fabric of our connection, ever deep in my thoughts, always lingering, intricate to each beat and each breath of my life.

Yes. I love deep.

And it breaks me.

Often.

Yet still, my hope lives. Between the beats. And clings to the last breath of unspent love.

But people leave.

They leave. And it hurts. A lot.

By abandonment.

Or death.

And honestly, I’m really not sure which is more painful.

All I know is that each time it happens

It’s so heart-wrenchingly sad

To feel the lingering loss

In the goodbye.

Internal Dialogue #2

Walt Whitman once wrote, “I contain multitudes.”

One of his most poignant verses reminds us that we are never just one thing, and all the quirks, imperfections, and contradictions are par for the course. Never have I found anything to be more true.


These past 10 days have been full. Fuller than any other 10 in nearly as many years. I have been stung by old words, hurt by forgotten pain, challenged by new beliefs and blessed by the coming together of a Heavenly Ask.

One day, 10 days ago, I got down on my knees and cried. A deep, wrenching, private cry full of despair and anguish and hopelessness. I’ve cried this cry before. But this time it was different. My heart had finally hit the threshold of  weight it could carry and it was more than I believed it could bare. Suicide was more than a thought. I can not lie. It loomed. Large but silent. And I wondered if maybe it was truly time to just end things.

My. Life. Had. Finally. Become. Just. Too. Much.

But, as has happened before, once again, the tiny voice of my broken child stamped her foot loudly and yelled, “No Trish! We can do this! We deserve so much more. And we haven’t done what we were put here to do yet. We have a purpose! And we still have a fucking best seller to write. Damn it!” She gets pissy when I go dark.

So, as I have done before, I listened to her.

But something inside felt badly broken. And solemnly irreparable.

I’d truly lost all hope. I was tired. Worn. Ragged. Bruised. And feeling beaten.

It took a lot to let her in.

I’m not really the praying kind. Though that might change now. I have a very confused relationship with God. But I have always believed that something is looking out for she and I. And always has been. Or we would never have survived this Life.

So…on bended knees I clasped my hands.

And I spoke to God Universe.

Really spoke.

Pleading from a place so deep and so raw and so achingly real, that I know it was my souls voice in askance, and not that of this mere mortal shell. I do believe we are the two things at once. Maybe even three. What the fuck do I know? But I closed my eyes. Wept. And spoke from that place only the truly desperate understand.

I asked God Universe, “Please show me my path because I am so lost and so confused and so unable to see any light. It’s dark. And cold. And I feel alone. I am drifting to a place I fear I may never return from. My heart is heavy. My mind is clouded by things I can’t let go of. And my soul and I have disconnected. So, I’m letting go of all of it and trusting that you will guide me to wherever it is I need to be and to whatever it is I need to do.”

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Three days later my life changed.

Like BIG BANG! changed.

I watched. I listened. I paid attention. And I did not ignore the signs. Any of them. I did the work and moved out of fear. And miraculously, I started to feel my power rise to the surface. It was…

Nope. No words yet for this feeling.

But I trusted. In the Divine.

And felt myself truly acknowledging belief in Me.

And that was an unfucking-believable moment. It was…

Nope. No words for that one either.

But for the first time ever, everything felt almost…easy.

Something had definitely cleared the path.

Like a cool, clean ocean breeze. Blowing through my mind with gentleness and forgiveness and love.

And over the past 10 days Life has been constantly changing and rushing at me with un-imagined abundance.

I am still in awe.

But I trust in Life again. And it is beautiful.

And I am grateful.

Coincidence? Perhaps.

But I don’t think so.

Shakespeare suggests, through his character Hamlet, that human knowledge is limited. I’d have to agree. And every moment that I spend in gratitude, I know the words he wrote are a pure, profound yet simple truth. I loved them when I first read them, and I love them still. Because they are so so true!

“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” 

God Universe truly does work in mysterious and amazingly unexpected ways.

Ya…

What a difference a day makes.

24 little hours.

And a soul-spoken prayer.

In gratitude,

trish_heart


Internal Dialogue #1

Lately I’ve been feeling my personal/emotional worldview slipping from one kalidescope into another. Things I once knew with such certainty are now hovering on the fringe of doubt. And things I was absolutely positive would never be entertained by this seven dimensional mind, are springing into view lively and energetic.

In part, I am saddened by the loss of feelings and beliefs I’ve clutched close to my hearts core like a frayed and tattered lifeline. While old and definitely showing signs of age and wear, it has pushed me thru necessary conflict, always reliable and safe. And a constant companion for so long. Growing me, changing me, elvolving me and challenging me in unimaginable ways. A reliable, steadfast friend who seemed to have my best interest at heart. It’s a hard loss to comprehend.

I’m struggling.

And in part, I am excited to move into a new personal/emotional worldview because it means….

Hmm. 🤔

Nope. 

Still on the fence. 

Change does not always come easy to me.

To be continued…😶