Hard

My dreams and reality

Have definitely collided

So my mind’s in control now

Cuz my heart is too tired.

I’m fighting a war

I should have known I can’t win

So I think it’s time

To fucking give in.

Have I made a mistake?

Should I have stayed dressed

In the mask of my life

Safe and unexpressed?

Where my quiet brokenness

Still passed for whole

And this shadow of doubt

Didn’t blacken my soul?

I don’t know anymore

What I had hoped in my dreams

But this life is not

What she promised to me.

And the disappointment

I assure you

Is acute.

Advertisements

I Want To Remember Today

Found Tasneem Kagalwalla on Medium and had to share. She’s slowly becoming a favorite. Her writings are so raw and so real-atable.
Beautifully sad.
We women just feel so much shit.
And we write about it.
Props ❤


I want to remember the crazy excitement
the tossing and turning
of being in and out of sleep.

I want to remember the pure exhilaration
the smile on my face
waking up to an alarm in the middle of the night.

I want to remember the ecstatic happiness
texting you in the wee hours of the morning
knowing you’ve arrived, somewhere close by.

I want to remember the elated anticipation
sitting up eagerly in bed
looking for your reply.

I want to remember the sheer bliss
when you did
making plans of when and how we’d meet.

I want to remember the mad manic
of the morning
as I blindly rushed through my chores.

I want to remember my furious heart beats
dashing through traffic lights
as I hurried back home.

I want to remember the painful waiting
of when you’d call
imagining all that we would share.

I want to remember the growing restlessness
repeatedly checking my phone
aimlessly pottering around in despair.

I want to remember the intense uneasiness
the worry of wondering why
you wouldn’t call or reply.

I want to remember the wretched anxiousness
every passing hour brought by
as I watched hope being crucified.

I want to remember the searing hurt
flowing through my blood
as the day passed me by.

I want to remember the curdling anger
when you messaged late at night
to nonchalantly say, couldn’t make it this time.

I want to remember the sharp sting
of being stood up
yet another time.

I want to remember feeling so stupid
for making a big deal
of an opportunity you so casually let go by.

I want to remember my burning tears
every drop
that stained my pillow.

I want to remember the punishing loneliness
of a day
I never thought would end this way.

I want to go out of my way
to remember today
so that I can forget you tomorrow.


Mouth Wide Shut

I truly don’t understand why people ask you to tell them what’s on your mind. Is it just a courtesy? Like when someone asks how you are. But forgets to add that the question is rhetorical. No real genuine concern has been committed to your welfare. They want nothing more then the answered pleasantry of “I’m fine. And you?” so they can answer in kind.

Is it just something they feel compelled to ask when they hear the wheels grinding in your mind? Worried that a cog might slip. And crush them with heavy metal?

It’s all very confusing. This dance we do with our emotions. Asking questions we really don’t want to know the answers to. Or aren’t prepared or equipped for the ramifications in the answers. Spouting platitudes that are no more substantial then the hold a feather has on the wind. Smiling  when we’re crying inside. Laughing when we’re breaking. Hiding when we should be shouting ourselves from the roof tops. Afraid. When we have nothing to fear but our own limiting  beliefs…

I was asked how I felt today. Apparently the grinding could be heard as my cogs slipped in and out of gear. I’m an. Emotional. Mental. Mess. Feeling completely out of sync with my life right now. And I admit. I should have kept my mouth wide shut. But I spoke regardless. Unformed vomitous babble that pierced her heart. And mine. Truths blurted in bitter frustration. And the decibals of anger rose. Furious with accusation. And painful with seeping reality.

In the end. We achieved nothing. Each silenced by our own respective truths.  The elephant in the room neither friend nor foe. But large and looming. Just is.

I am lost to the battle raging within.

And she can not quiet the storm.