I’ve been trying to decipher what is intentionally good in my life versus what is not. It’s not an easy thing to wade through. The waters are murky and deep and filled with emotional piranhas who could devour my peace of mind in seconds.
The constant movement of bile and bias, of old love and new love, of memory and reality, coat me in oil slick residue that feels thick and permanent and over time, has made me almost tear proof.
Almost.
My Sadness will always be there. Buried deep inside. Between the sheets, around the beats, beneath the heat of my valleys and peaks, and at the center of any happiness I may find along the way. It is the bluish blackish bruise of me and I have embraced it as such in its entirety.
I am neither happy nor sad, neither confused nor certain, neither hurting nor healed. I am simply here, living in the quiet storm of this crazy existence. Some days feel dangerously volatile and others deceptively calm. Yet through it all, I find solace in the shade and shadows of yesterday.
No longer frantic and filled with regret and the endless ache of wanting and wishing, the past has become a place of sweet memory and a gentle reminder that love remains in each and everything we have touched, are touching now, and will ever touch in the future.
Today I’m ok with that.
It brings me solace.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing and life, as always, is full of possibility. And hey, I’m still here to tell the story.
It’s been a while. I know. Life has gotten simpler and yet much more complex. My priorities are changing, and mostly now, by my design. And I am finally beginning to fully embrace the intellection of loss.
A walk gently into the night is not exactly how I would describe this figuring out. This understanding. This learning to live with the acceptance of such a painful truth. But life has offered me no recourse. So here I am. Accepting.
People leave.
They leave. And it hurts. A lot.
By abandonment.
Or death.
And honestly, having experienced both on such fundamentally profound levels, I’m really not sure which is more painful.
There are so many things I don’t understand when it comes to love and loving. Perhaps I never will. But I do know that my heart is not the kind of heart that loves and forgets. Once touched by a sweet gentleness, a genuine kindness, or a passionate kiss that bruised my lips, the memory imprints and lingers. Forever.
Mine will always be a heart devastated by loss. Friends. Family. Lovers. Even gone, they still remain. Anchored to my soul, woven into the fabric of our connection, ever deep in my thoughts, always lingering, intricate to each beat and each breath of my life.
Yes. I love deep.
And it breaks me.
Often.
Yet still, my hope lives. Between the beats. And clings to the last breath of unspent love.
But people leave.
They leave. And it hurts. A lot.
By abandonment.
Or death.
And honestly, I’m really not sure which is more painful.
One of his most poignant verses reminds us that we are never just one thing, and all the quirks, imperfections, and contradictions are par for the course. Never have I found anything to be more true.
These past 10 days have been full. Fuller than any other 10 in nearly as many years. I have been stung by old words, hurt by forgotten pain, challenged by new beliefs and blessed by the coming together of a Heavenly Ask.
One day, 10 days ago, I got down on my knees and cried. A deep, wrenching, private cry full of despair and anguish and hopelessness. I’ve cried this cry before. But this time it was different. My heart had finally hit the threshold of weight it could carry and it was more than I believed it could bare. Suicide was more than a thought. I can not lie. It loomed. Large but silent. And I wondered if maybe it was truly time to just end things.
My. Life. Had. Finally. Become. Just. Too. Much.
But, as has happened before, once again, the tiny voice of my broken child stamped her foot loudly and yelled, “No Trish! We can do this! We deserve so much more. And we haven’t done what we were put here to do yet. We have a purpose! And we still have a fucking best seller to write. Damn it!” She gets pissy when I go dark.
So, as I have done before, I listened to her.
But something inside felt badly broken. And solemnly irreparable.
I’d truly lost all hope. I was tired. Worn. Ragged. Bruised. And feeling beaten.
It took a lot to let her in.
I’m not really the praying kind. Though that might change now. I have a very confused relationship with God. But I have always believed that something is looking out for she and I. And always has been. Or we would never have survived this Life.
So…on bended knees I clasped my hands.
And I spoke to God Universe.
Really spoke.
Pleading from a place so deep and so raw and so achingly real, that I know it was my souls voice in askance, and not that of this mere mortal shell. I do believe we are the two things at once. Maybe even three. What the fuck do I know? But I closed my eyes. Wept. And spoke from that place only the truly desperate understand.
I asked God Universe, “Please show me my path because I am so lost and so confused and so unable to see any light. It’s dark. And cold. And I feel alone. I am drifting to a place I fear I may never return from. My heart is heavy. My mind is clouded by things I can’t let go of. And my soul and I have disconnected. So, I’m letting go of all of it and trusting that you will guide me to wherever it is I need to be and to whatever it is I need to do.”
Three days later my life changed.
Like BIG BANG! changed.
I watched. I listened. I paid attention. And I did not ignore the signs. Any of them. I did the work and moved out of fear. And miraculously, I started to feel my power rise to the surface. It was…
Nope. No words yet for this feeling.
But I trusted. In the Divine.
And felt myself truly acknowledging belief in Me.
And that was an unfucking-believable moment. It was…
Nope. No words for that one either.
But for the first time ever, everything felt almost…easy.
Something had definitely cleared the path.
Like a cool, clean ocean breeze. Blowing through my mind with gentleness and forgiveness and love.
And over the past 10 days Life has been constantly changing and rushing at me with un-imagined abundance.
I am still in awe.
But I trust in Life again. And it is beautiful.
And I am grateful.
Coincidence? Perhaps.
But I don’t think so.
Shakespeare suggests, through his character Hamlet, that human knowledge is limited. I’d have to agree. And every moment that I spend in gratitude, I know the words he wrote are a pure, profound yet simple truth. I loved them when I first read them, and I love them still. Because they are so so true!
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
God Universe truly does work in mysterious and amazingly unexpected ways.
