Hard

My dreams and reality

Have definitely collided

So my mind’s in control now

Cuz my heart is too tired.

I’m fighting a war

I should have known I can’t win

So I think it’s time

To fucking give in.

Have I made a mistake?

Should I have stayed dressed

In the mask of my life

Safe and unexpressed?

Where my quiet brokenness

Still passed for whole

And this shadow of doubt

Didn’t blacken my soul?

I don’t know anymore

What I had hoped in my dreams

But this life is not

What she promised to me.

And the disappointment

I assure you

Is acute.

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Internal Dialogue #1

Lately I’ve been feeling my personal/emotional worldview slipping from one kalidescope into another. Things I once knew with such certainty are now hovering on the fringe of doubt. And things I was absolutely positive would never be entertained by this seven dimensional mind, are springing into view lively and energetic.

In part, I am saddened by the loss of feelings and beliefs I’ve clutched close to my hearts core like a frayed and tattered lifeline. While old and definitely showing signs of age and wear, it has pushed me thru necessary conflict, always reliable and safe. And a constant companion for so long. Growing me, changing me, elvolving me and challenging me in unimaginable ways. A reliable, steadfast friend who seemed to have my best interest at heart. It’s a hard loss to comprehend.

I’m struggling.

And in part, I am excited to move into a new personal/emotional worldview because it means….

Hmm. 🤔

Nope. 

Still on the fence. 

Change does not always come easy to me.

To be continued…😶

Lonely Roads #2: Migration

On the bus again. 

Solitude beckons.

Heartache shared.

I’ve screamed. I’ve cried. I’ve left.

I’ve hurt. I’ve breathed. I’ve let go.

So many regrets

Live inside the place

Where Hope should have thrived.

I am human.

I’ve made mistakes.

This bus ride

Is not one of them.

For weeks I’ve listened and watched

The Canada geese fly south.

Migration.

Homeward bound.

Eminent.

Wings spread in formation 

Sure of their path

And their place

In the grand scheme of Life.

The first and the last

Equally important

For the survival of all.

Bound by nature.

By familial bonds.

By something

That has no word in English.

But as much apart of them

As their regal crowns.

As I boarded the bus

I found a feather.

Tucked it in my pocket

And wished to belong to something 

That has no word in English.

How To Be Happy Every Day: It Will Change The World!

I don’t always share posts from my other blog here unless I feel the message is super important and needs to get out to more people. And in this case I do! I have followers here who don’t follow me on The Buddha, and this particular post warrants repetition. 365 Give is a beautiful concept and I just have to share it wherever and whenever I can! So, here it is. And, lucky you lol, there’s an audio version if you just want to sit back and listen instead.

(Click here and I’ll croon in your ear for 11:39 minutes lol. Kinda fun. 🙂 )


letter_s

ometimes you come across a message that seems totally random, but when you really start thinking about it, it’s really not random at all.

This morning I woke up depressed. Feeling like there is no purpose to my life. I know. BIG right? It’s not a new feeling. I’ve just learned to push past it. Mostly. Some days are harder than others. Today is one of the hard ones. But I decided that no matter how shitty I felt, I had to at least Get Dressed and Show Up.

Truly, that’s half the battle.

So, I showered, made myself smell yummy (vanilla always makes me feel good) and threw on something other than the sweats I’ve lived in for the past three days. I grabbed my iPhone, ear buds, a stick of incense and three candles. I lit up, sat on the couch, assumed the position, plugged in and began my I-try-to-do-this-every-day meditation.

Meditation is friggin awesome! Always.

Which makes me wonder why the hell I don’t actually do it every single day.

When it was over, I scanned the app for another one. I needed more. I really wanted to lift the gloom that’s been pressing down on me. This feeling of Not Enoughness. Of worthlessness. Of nothingness. Of stagnancy. Of bleakness. This questioning of “For Fuck Sakes-What The Hell Is The Point!” shit that’s been circling my drain lately. But as I was scanning through the hundreds of options, looking for that magical meditation that would lift me back into a place of zen and positivity, I slowly closed my eyes and paused.

Just sat there. In silence. Doing nothing.

And then I felt this tidal wave of emotion building inside of me.

One by one the tears started to flow through closed lids. Warm and salty they traced my cheeks and flowed into the curve of my mouth.

I don’t usually cry randomly. And not with my eyes shut. But the tears just came unbidden.

And then I started to pray. I mean really pray.

It was a little awkward at first. I’m always unsure of whether or not to, and who I should be praying to. God? The Creator? The Divine? Spirit? Myself? And you all know that I am not a God Fearing Christian

But I prayed anyway. Silently at first. Then out loud.

Hearing my own softly pleading, desperately humble voice made me cry even harder. I sounded so…lost.

I acknowledged the gifts I have been given. Love. Friends. Family. Communication. Writing. Creativity. Love of Humanity. Compassion. Forgiveness. Healing. Even Pain. And I thanked Her/Him again for all the times they literally saved my life. And then I asked, “Why Am I Here?” Not in the huge philosophical way, but in the small little ME way. Why am I here? ME. What is MY purpose?

I do believe I have one. Most days. 😉

As I Age more. Learn more. Listen more. See more. Understand more. I grow more and more disheartened by the inhumane ways we humans treat each-other. I become frightened for the future generations that have to live in this crazy fucked up world. For my daughter and her unborn children and their unborn children.

But worst of all, being the eternal-optimistic-believer-in-the-good-of-mankind that I am…is beginning to hurt my soul. I am starting to lose faith that ONE person can actually make a positive difference. That ONE person can create a ripple of good powerful enough to affect real and lasting change. And I really really don’t like feeling this way.

It seems we have lost our World Heroes. The Buddha’s and the Gandhi’s and the Mother Theresa’s, and dare I say it, the Jesus’s of the world are gone. And while I sincerely hope there are others in the making even before I wrote this, it doesn’t look like anyone is stepping up to replace those beautiful, loving, spirits of generosity. Instead we are bombarded, beaten and bullied by powerful anti-human World Villains like the Trump’s and the KKK’s and the White Supremacists. Our hopes and our hearts and our very souls becoming stained by their violence on the natural diversity that is our humanity.

This is not a political tirade.

This is Despair speaking from a place of Honesty. For me and for the world. And it’s got me down. Big time.

So, I asked The-All-Powerful-Being-In-The-Sky to please show me my purpose here on earth because I feel like I have lost my way. I am deeply troubled by the very real issues that affect us all on a very profoundly personal level.  The loss of Hope is mounting on a scale that is almost unimaginable. And it’s evident in the anxiety, the depression, the stress and the suicides. Look around you the next time you are out in the world. Really look into the faces of the people.

SO FEW OF US ARE HAPPY.

emoji_unhappy

As for me. All I want to do is spread a little love and sunshine so that for someone, somewhere, life isn’t so friggin sad. Myself included. I actually said out loud and with genuine intention, “I surrender myself to YOU because I am doing such a shitty job at this whole Life thing.” And I meant it. Humble right? Lol. Well, all I can say is that if we are truly made in the image of The Creator, than sarcasm and dark humor are not man-made. 😉

I sat on the couch and stayed in that emotional, tear-filled space for about 15  minutes. And then I felt calmer. The tears subsided. I breathed in deeply and tried to ground myself. I didn’t know if my prayers were truly heard, or if I even prayed the right way, but I like to think Someone or Something heard my heart and, in the moment, that was enough.

When I reached for my iPhone again, I closed the meditation app and a few other windows I had left open. One of them was a Ted Talk I had been listening to yesterday, but now in its place was a different Ted Talk waiting to be heard. A woman named Jacqueline Way stood frozen on my screen with a caption above her head. Apparently, she had a plan on:

How To Be Happy Every Day: It Will Change The World.

I was like…seriously?

Then I was like…HOLY SHIT. Seriously!

(You gotta listen when the Universe is trying to tell you something. Isn’t this what I had just prayed about???!)

So I watched and listened.

And my faith was kinda restored a little bit.

ONE person CAN STILL make a difference in this fucked up world.

It was a sign. Yup. I’m going there lol. 

What Jacqueline Way has created is a beautiful life implementation called 365 Give. It’s brilliant! And I for one am going to actively take part, and spread this message anyway that I can! And if YOU are a parent with a growing young mind to shape, then you really need to watch this! It’s neuroscience at its most basic, and goodwill toward humanity at its best. She’s a friggin shiny ray of sunshine and Hope for a better world! Yay Jacqueline!!!

We all need to listen to this!

Don’t you dare leave this page without clicking on the video! 


AND THEN I FOUND THIS RIGHT AFTER I WATCHED THE VIDEO 

Reblogged: A Thomas Point of View: Ghost 🙂

I posted this poem yesterday. It was the catalyst for this post and the thing that lifted my mood immensely. So thank you, Tikeetha, once again. Much love! ❤


Writing this made me feel a little better. I hope it does the same for you. 

Sometimes you come across a message that seems totally random, but when you really start thinking about it, it’s really not random at all. No matter how shitty you might feel, Get Dressed and Show Up. 

Truly, that’s half the battle!


 

HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND!

See you soon. Till then…

OWN YOURSELF!

ACCEPT, EMBRACE & LOVE

EVERYTHING THAT MAKES YOU YOU!

And Namaste your ASS off!

trish_heart

emoji_siggy-COMINGOUT

I just found and fell in love with the mind of Stella! ❤️

View story at Medium.com

She just resonated BIG time today. All week has been a struggle with one thing or another blog related. Ugh. I think she might have a wee drinking problem lol, but otherwise I love what she’s written in this post.

Setting Of Intentions

Last week on The Buddha,  I wrote this in a puff of deflated, uninspired breath.

Well, This Week Kinda Sucked

Finding Stella J. McKenna today on Medium was kismet.

It’s a great post!

Reminds me not to take myself so seriously. And we ALL need a reminder of that sometimes.

See ya soon!

Lonely Roads

Not sure what it is about traveling on the bus that makes me feel so nostalgic. Perhaps, because a good part of this life has been spent on buses traveling from one life to another. One family to another. One lover to another. Seeking identity. Searching for kindness. Wanting love. Moving in between the grays of safety and abuse.

Feels like I’ve been doing this a long time. Chasing a thing. Running from a thing. A lonely traveler carrying a bag packed with little pieces of me. Faithfully transient. A contemplative companion to the lonely roads I see through rainswept windshields.

Aware always.

Of the sadness that travels with me.

And the life I never lived.


Bus blues? Maybe.

But it’s a thing.

Today.