The Loop

I’m battling an anxiety that has me gripped in the steely clutch of entrapment. Every morning it greets me, pulsing deep in my solar plexus. Almost before I wake. A consistent gnawing at the core of my being. A maddening loop of repetition I can’t seem to escape. It is the most diabolical intruder. A ruiner of contentment. A disturber of my peace. And I feel helpless to control its effect on my person.

Some days it frightens me. A lot. Because I can’t believe the power it has over me. How do I fight an adversary I can’t see or touch?

At this very moment I am trying to figure out what is triggering it. It’s been a constant in my body for too long. I can no longer ignore that something BIG is wrong. Somewhere. Inside. I ask myself all the usual questions and come up with all the usual suspects. Calmly. Rationally. Intellectually. Spiritually. I am not in denial of any truth. At least none that I am consciously aware of.

But I must be.

I must be missing something incredibly vital.

Because it simply will NOT go away.

How, after all this time, after all I’ve been thru, does anxiety suddenly rise up to claim victory? Why now? I do what I know to do and after my initial waking moments I am fine. I don’t suffer the debilitating spread 24/7. But it is there the second I become conscious from sleep and it rises thru me like an orchestrated crescendo. A cold, clutching reverberation of strings and woods and horns and drums. Pounding my solar plexus, echoing thru to my fingertips.

I don’t understand this Anxiety.

At all.

I’m trying to.

I just want to STOP.

The fucking loop.