Internal Dialogue #3

Okay, we didn’t work,

And all memories to tell you the truth, aren’t good.

But sometimes there were good times.

Love was good.

I loved your crooked sleep beside me,

And never dreamed afraid.

There should be stars for great wars like ours.

There should be something

To commemorate the pain…

 

Sandra Cisneros

Advertisements

Hard

My dreams and reality

Have definitely collided

So my mind’s in control now

Cuz my heart is too tired.

I’m fighting a war

I should have known I can’t win

So I think it’s time

To fucking give in.

Have I made a mistake?

Should I have stayed dressed

In the mask of my life

Safe and unexpressed?

Where my quiet brokenness

Still passed for whole

And this shadow of doubt

Didn’t blacken my soul?

I don’t know anymore

What I had hoped in my dreams

But this life is not

What she promised to me.

And the disappointment

I assure you

Is acute.

Photo Inspired #3

Your Name


teach_me

Teach me

Your name

In kisses.

Breathe the letters

Over my tongue

In sweet

Soft whispers.

Show me

Over and over

Till I understand

And spell it back to you

In endless

Slow

Repeat.


“Unless it’s mad, passionate, and extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life; Love shouldn’t be one of them.” ~ Unknown

 

Throwaway Girlfriend

My current partner is very good at a lot of things, but one thing in particular is randomly pointing out just how easily my ex partner “kicked me to the curb” and “just threw me away“. Says she would never do that. Says that’s not what people do when they love each-other.

So…

Recently, and totally at my instigation and obvious unhappiness here in Barrie, we’ve been looking into moving to southern, less wintry parts of Ontario. We even considered Vancouver as Kate has family there, a new grandson she hasn’t met, and as everyone keeps telling me, “You’ll LOVE it there!” But, for reasons too numerous to mention, the Universe has clearly said NO.

Grumble.

Last week we had a talk about how few opportunities there are for me to do pretty much anything here in Barrie. It’s so spread out. You need to drive everywhere to get anywhere. I don’t drive. And the transit system here is merely a suggestion.

Winter is coming and the idea of being buried under 6 feet of snow for 5 months is starting to fucking stress me out.

It’s a thing.

During this conversation, I mentioned Toronto and it’s attributes. I could see she was getting agitated. Again. We’ve had this talk before. What can I say? Toronto is my home and will always be my home. I was born there. Have lived 3/4 of my life there. And I miss it. I have family, friends and familiarity there. And to be fair, I gave this Barrie-in-the-fucking-snow-belt thing a go. For three…going on four winters now. It just isn’t for me!

I want out.

She, on the other hand, is a small town girl and has lived much of her life here and in Alberta. She’s used to the long ass winters and mountains of snow. And hates the rush and noise and negative energy of the big city. Any big city. Especially Toronto. And I get it. I’m reaching the point in my life where I’m not super thrilled with the idea of fast-paced-big-city living either. But I also believe that wherever you live on this beautiful planet, YOU get to choose the pace of your life.

I don’t want the city rush and noise and negative energy back in my life, but I do want the feeling of connection. The feeling that I am a part of something. I don’t have that in Barrie. But I do have that in Toronto.

I also have independence.

Barrie has starved me socially. Isolated me physically. Nearly broken me spiritually. And I have to rely on Kate to take me everywhere and anywhere. A thing I am soooo not used to at all!

I hate it here.

And have, pretty much, from the moment I arrived.

She knows this.

Yet, last week when I mentioned Toronto for the umpteenth time, and all that it potentially has to offer, not just for me, but for her as well, she simply said, “Trish. If you need to go back to Toronto, then go.”

I gave her a look which couldn’t have said more clearly, “Reeeaaally???”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I have no desire to move back to Toronto.”

And that was that.

I knew this already. We’ve had this conversation before.

But I think what really surprised me this time around was the finality of her words. I really heard them. Maybe for the first time. She has said them to me before, but this time something rang different. Deeper. Truer. No room for negotiation. Whatsoever.

She said, “Trish. If you need to go back to Toronto, then go.”

But I heard, “I’ll love you as long as you stay here with me. Wherever here happens to be. But I will not love you in Toronto. If you need to go there, you’re on your own. Bye bye.”

And as I stood in the doorway watching her lying in bed, our eyes met in what felt like an unwavering challenge. A gauntlet had been thrown.

I mentally picked up the glove and studied it carefully.

Every scratch and scar and bump and bruise. The ragged rips neatly stitched back together. The leathery palm worn thin in places from endless emotional swordplay. The fingers soft enough for a lovers touch, but sharp in the slap of outrage. Yet the hidden lining remained bright and colorful, cleverly concealing the darkened stains of tearful betrayals.

I finally understood.

Throwaway girlfriend?

Fuck that shit.

Never. Ever. Again.

I am worth so much more than that.

 

 

Exhausted

Music is back. Yay!

I’m so glad.

Means life inside me is stirring again.

It’s so much a part of who I am.

And it’s been missing for over a month now.

Discovered a new-to-me artist last week.

Tyra B.  Tyra B.  Tyra B.  Tyra B.  Tyra B

Former Girl. Now Boi.

Love her story. Her vibe. And the music she’s producing.

Fun. Sexy. Real.

Doing her thing. 31. Proud. And Finally Out.

A subject close to my heart with the death of my friend.

Today an older song came on while I was cleaning.

And it stopped me in my tracks.

I actually had to sit down and play it again.

And then again.

Blown away how the lyrics represented a moment in my life.

So perfectly.

And cut into me.

So deeply.

I cried.

Silly tears of a sentimental, fractured heart.

Maybe in acknowledgement.

The final reckoning of my unrelenting denial.

Complete.

I remember when she said this exact thing to me.

That she was Exhausted.

I remember how my heart broke.

Because I understood.

And knew she was never really coming back.

It hurt so much then. And it still hurts now.

Yeah…

After all this time.

I am endlessly surprised by the tenacity of this Love.

How it sneaks up on me in moments of unsuspect.

Stimulating memory of touch and kiss and feelings.

It’s unfair!

I don’t want to be that woman.

Stuck in that story.

Of a Life that no longer exists.

It doesn’t matter that I recognize the truth in these lyrics.

That’s the very reason they resonate so deep.

In my heart. In my mind.

In the sensitive curvature of my skin.

It doesn’t matter that it was a lifetime ago.

And yet.

Just the blink of an eye.

It doesn’t matter that I held fast to the belief.

That when you love as much as I loved her.

You stay.

Because she taught me…

Otherwise.

Every line in this song paints our ending.

From the first to the last.

It’s crazy.

But it’s true.

The tears I wipe away are the proof.

For Fuck Sakes.

Fast Foward.

Next song please!