Exhausted

Music is back. Yay!

I’m so glad.

Means life inside me is stirring again.

It’s so much a part of who I am.

And it’s been missing for over a month now.

Discovered a new-to-me artist last week.

Tyra B.  Tyra B.  Tyra B.  Tyra B.  Tyra B

Former Girl. Now Boi.

Love her story. Her vibe. And the music she’s producing.

Fun. Sexy. Real.

Doing her thing. 31. Proud. And Finally Out.

A subject close to my heart with the death of my friend.

Today an older song came on while I was cleaning.

And it stopped me in my tracks.

I actually had to sit down and play it again.

And then again.

Blown away how the lyrics represented a moment in my life.

So perfectly.

And cut into me.

So deeply.

I cried.

Silly tears of a sentimental, fractured heart.

Maybe in acknowledgement.

The final reckoning of my unrelenting denial.

Complete.

I remember when she said this exact thing to me.

That she was Exhausted.

I remember how my heart broke.

Because I understood.

And knew she was never really coming back.

It hurt so much then. And it still hurts now.

Yeah…

After all this time.

I am endlessly surprised by the tenacity of this Love.

How it sneaks up on me in moments of unsuspect.

Stimulating memory of touch and kiss and feelings.

It’s unfair!

I don’t want to be that woman.

Stuck in that story.

Of a Life that no longer exists.

It doesn’t matter that I recognize the truth in these lyrics.

That’s the very reason they resonate so deep.

In my heart. In my mind.

In the sensitive curvature of my skin.

It doesn’t matter that it was a lifetime ago.

And yet.

Just the blink of an eye.

It doesn’t matter that I held fast to the belief.

That when you love as much as I loved her.

You stay.

Because she taught me…

Otherwise.

Every line in this song paints our ending.

From the first to the last.

It’s crazy.

But it’s true.

The tears I wipe away are the proof.

For Fuck Sakes.

Fast Foward.

Next song please!

I Need My Space Back :)

So…after debating on this issue for the past week, on and off, I have decided that Coming Out Crooked needs to go back to it’s original format. My reasons are simple. I need my space back. This space was never meant for business consumption. It was meant to be a personal space for me to work out my shit. To capture the journey of my coming out and my life, with all the pain, the sadness, the joy and the love that has been in. I think it’s important that I keep this space for me.

This message is specifically for the followers that have joined ‘my tribe‘ in the past few weeks based on the positivity messages posted here in my JUST DO YOU newsletter. I have a new home for those messages, and for the newsletter, and it’s intention is clear. If you’d like to continue to follow me on that particular journey which is catered more to positive personal development and the power of self-talk, then please find me here!

www.thebuddhaneuron.com

It’s a brand new site. A new venture. A new journey. And it’s literally being built as I write this lol so it will be changing constantly until it’s all done! But the BLOG is up and running and new posts will appear on Tuesdays and Fridays. Right now, it’s where my true focus is so please feel free to join me. Everyone is invited lol. The Buddha Neuron is just as much a part of me as Coming Out Crooked. It just has a different focus. I’m a Gemini. Nuff said! Lol

That’s it!

Have an AWESOME weekend! And perhaps I will see you on the other side!

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Why?

I don’t understand the human condition anymore. Perhaps I never did. Why do we break each other so heartlessly? And do the things we do? Why do we hurt those we say we love? Make promises of fidelity. And forever. Then leave?

Why do we cherish their blank canvas then smear it with pain? Praise their strength then cut them down. Pray on their weakness then shame them for it. Calculate coldly for maximum effect? Leaving nothing behind but scattered fragments of a used to be. 

Why do we leave them bloody and broken? Wounded and wary. Afraid to love again. Forever changed in ways that predisposes repetition, regurgitation, and ruin. Unable to break the cycle…

I am

Guilty

Affected

Trust atrophied

From lack of use

And I don’t understand

Why

It was ever necessary

To break me.

Un…

If I had a mirror

With indiscriminate view

I’d show you the seed

That I need in you

She wouldn’t be timid

She wouldn’t be shy

She spread me and show me

Before I could ask why

A tangle of braid

Her fingers screwed tight

Pushing my thighs

Kissing out the light

No gentle sweetness

In the moment of strike

Bruising passion

In every single bite

Lust without reason

Unprecedented touch

For it’s the mind that feels

And craves this so much

You need me

I see that

In eyes

Full of lust

But you stop

Then I stop

And the dance is on

Pause…

So I sit by the this window

Hearing rain beat the ground

And wonder exactly

What is this sound?

Curled up in fetal

And feeling things

That shouldn’t be part

Of this every day dream

You strut and you pose

Your plumage so bright

But it dulls in the quiet

Of your kiss

Goodnight

And I close my eyes

Mirror in hand

And I wonder if

You will ever understand

This need that drives

The longing in me

For the strength

Of reflection

That shimmers

So deep.

I am here

And I want

Have I not

Made this clear?

Tenative

Is it truly possible

To be smack dab in the middle?

To be caught

In the exact second

Between Now

And Then?

I am sitting in the midst

Of the most beautiful horizon

Neither bound in spirit

By up or down

Just basking in the twilight

Of the most heavenly Divine.

Moving stealthily  among  shadows

Of ancient times

Witness to the millionth tribunal

Of wind and grass and trees

I hear their secrets

In the swirling mists of dawn

Entwined in the ripple and stir

Of the silent lake

I float

In my yellow canoe.

Alone.

Adrift.

I listen.

Awakening.

I see.

Surrounded by the knowing

I feel it’s truth

Yet I am weighted in the misbelief

That if I rock just ever so lightly

This way

Or that

I will drown in the depths

Of uncertainty

Forever grasping at the lifesaver ring

Tossed in carelessly

A habit of late

Without thought or consequence

By a soul who has no measure

Of who I really am.

Or what she saves.

Or why.

In this moment

I believe in the Universe

But, in love

I am in no true state

Of trust.

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