Uh huh…this is my girl Claudia…straight shootin’, hip slinging, love totin’, truth tellin’ realist. ❤️ Always respect. 😉
I think it’s funny how just when you think you’re getting what you want it’s like a million miles up in 50 feet to the left and they most difficult to attain
Meanwhile all the things you don’t want are right under your feet to trip all over.
Why life works like this I may die trying to make sense of it!
Lately I’ve been feeling my personal/emotional worldview slipping from one kalidescope into another. Things I once knew with such certainty are now hovering on the fringe of doubt. And things I was absolutely positive would never be entertained by this seven dimensional mind, are springing into view lively and energetic.
In part, I am saddened by the loss of feelings and beliefs I’ve clutched close to my hearts core like a frayed and tattered lifeline. While old and definitely showing signs of age and wear, it has pushed me thru necessary conflict, always reliable and safe. And a constant companion for so long. Growing me, changing me, elvolving me and challenging me in unimaginable ways. A reliable, steadfast friend who seemed to have my best interest at heart. It’s a hard loss to comprehend.
I’m struggling.
And in part, I am excited to move into a new personal/emotional worldview because it means….
Hmm. 🤔
Nope.
Still on the fence.
Change does not always come easy to me.
To be continued…😶
Train ride home.
Feeling soft and vulnerable and exposed.
Not sure I like it.
On the bus again.
Solitude beckons.
Heartache shared.
I’ve screamed. I’ve cried. I’ve left.
I’ve hurt. I’ve breathed. I’ve let go.
So many regrets
Live inside the place
Where Hope should have thrived.
I am human.
I’ve made mistakes.
This bus ride
Is not one of them.
For weeks I’ve listened and watched
The Canada geese fly south.
Migration.
Homeward bound.
Eminent.
Wings spread in formation
Sure of their path
And their place
In the grand scheme of Life.
The first and the last
Equally important
For the survival of all.
Bound by nature.
By familial bonds.
By something
That has no word in English.
But as much apart of them
As their regal crowns.
As I boarded the bus
I found a feather.
Tucked it in my pocket
And wished to belong to something
That has no word in English.
My current partner is very good at a lot of things, but one thing in particular is randomly pointing out just how easily my ex partner “kicked me to the curb” and “just threw me away“. Says she would never do that. Says that’s not what people do when they love each-other.
So…
Recently, and totally at my instigation and obvious unhappiness here in Barrie, we’ve been looking into moving to southern, less wintry parts of Ontario. We even considered Vancouver as Kate has family there, a new grandson she hasn’t met, and as everyone keeps telling me, “You’ll LOVE it there!” But, for reasons too numerous to mention, the Universe has clearly said NO.
Grumble.
Last week we had a talk about how few opportunities there are for me to do pretty much anything here in Barrie. It’s so spread out. You need to drive everywhere to get anywhere. I don’t drive. And the transit system here is merely a suggestion.
Winter is coming and the idea of being buried under 6 feet of snow for 5 months is starting to fucking stress me out.
It’s a thing.
During this conversation, I mentioned Toronto and it’s attributes. I could see she was getting agitated. Again. We’ve had this talk before. What can I say? Toronto is my home and will always be my home. I was born there. Have lived 3/4 of my life there. And I miss it. I have family, friends and familiarity there. And to be fair, I gave this Barrie-in-the-fucking-snow-belt thing a go. For three…going on four winters now. It just isn’t for me!
I want out.
She, on the other hand, is a small town girl and has lived much of her life here and in Alberta. She’s used to the long ass winters and mountains of snow. And hates the rush and noise and negative energy of the big city. Any big city. Especially Toronto. And I get it. I’m reaching the point in my life where I’m not super thrilled with the idea of fast-paced-big-city living either. But I also believe that wherever you live on this beautiful planet, YOU get to choose the pace of your life.
I don’t want the city rush and noise and negative energy back in my life, but I do want the feeling of connection. The feeling that I am a part of something. I don’t have that in Barrie. But I do have that in Toronto.
I also have independence.
Barrie has starved me socially. Isolated me physically. Nearly broken me spiritually. And I have to rely on Kate to take me everywhere and anywhere. A thing I am soooo not used to at all!
I hate it here.
And have, pretty much, from the moment I arrived.
She knows this.
Yet, last week when I mentioned Toronto for the umpteenth time, and all that it potentially has to offer, not just for me, but for her as well, she simply said, “Trish. If you need to go back to Toronto, then go.”
I gave her a look which couldn’t have said more clearly, “Reeeaaally???”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I have no desire to move back to Toronto.”
And that was that.
I knew this already. We’ve had this conversation before.
But I think what really surprised me this time around was the finality of her words. I really heard them. Maybe for the first time. She has said them to me before, but this time something rang different. Deeper. Truer. No room for negotiation. Whatsoever.
She said, “Trish. If you need to go back to Toronto, then go.”
But I heard, “I’ll love you as long as you stay here with me. Wherever here happens to be. But I will not love you in Toronto. If you need to go there, you’re on your own. Bye bye.”
And as I stood in the doorway watching her lying in bed, our eyes met in what felt like an unwavering challenge. A gauntlet had been thrown.
I mentally picked up the glove and studied it carefully.
Every scratch and scar and bump and bruise. The ragged rips neatly stitched back together. The leathery palm worn thin in places from endless emotional swordplay. The fingers soft enough for a lovers touch, but sharp in the slap of outrage. Yet the hidden lining remained bright and colorful, cleverly concealing the darkened stains of tearful betrayals.
I finally understood.
Throwaway girlfriend?
Fuck that shit.
Never. Ever. Again.
I am worth so much more than that.
I don’t always share posts from my other blog here unless I feel the message is super important and needs to get out to more people. And in this case I do! I have followers here who don’t follow me on The Buddha, and this particular post warrants repetition. 365 Give is a beautiful concept and I just have to share it wherever and whenever I can! So, here it is. And, lucky you lol, there’s an audio version if you just want to sit back and listen instead.
(Click here and I’ll croon in your ear for 11:39 minutes lol. Kinda fun. 🙂 )
ometimes you come across a message that seems totally random, but when you really start thinking about it, it’s really not random at all.
This morning I woke up depressed. Feeling like there is no purpose to my life. I know. BIG right? It’s not a new feeling. I’ve just learned to push past it. Mostly. Some days are harder than others. Today is one of the hard ones. But I decided that no matter how shitty I felt, I had to at least Get Dressed and Show Up.
Truly, that’s half the battle.
So, I showered, made myself smell yummy (vanilla always makes me feel good) and threw on something other than the sweats I’ve lived in for the past three days. I grabbed my iPhone, ear buds, a stick of incense and three candles. I lit up, sat on the couch, assumed the position, plugged in and began my I-try-to-do-this-every-day meditation.
When it was over, I scanned the app for another one. I needed more. I really wanted to lift the gloom that’s been pressing down on me. This feeling of Not Enoughness. Of worthlessness. Of nothingness. Of stagnancy. Of bleakness. This questioning of “For Fuck Sakes-What The Hell Is The Point!” shit that’s been circling my drain lately. But as I was scanning through the hundreds of options, looking for that magical meditation that would lift me back into a place of zen and positivity, I slowly closed my eyes and paused.
Just sat there. In silence. Doing nothing.
And then I felt this tidal wave of emotion building inside of me.
One by one the tears started to flow through closed lids. Warm and salty they traced my cheeks and flowed into the curve of my mouth.
I don’t usually cry randomly. And not with my eyes shut. But the tears just came unbidden.
And then I started to pray. I mean really pray.
It was a little awkward at first. I’m always unsure of whether or not to, and who I should be praying to. God? The Creator? The Divine? Spirit? Myself? And you all know that I am not a God Fearing Christian…
But I prayed anyway. Silently at first. Then out loud.
Hearing my own softly pleading, desperately humble voice made me cry even harder. I sounded so…lost.
I acknowledged the gifts I have been given. Love. Friends. Family. Communication. Writing. Creativity. Love of Humanity. Compassion. Forgiveness. Healing. Even Pain. And I thanked Her/Him again for all the times they literally saved my life. And then I asked, “Why Am I Here?” Not in the huge philosophical way, but in the small little ME way. Why am I here? ME. What is MY purpose?
I do believe I have one. Most days. 😉
As I Age more. Learn more. Listen more. See more. Understand more. I grow more and more disheartened by the inhumane ways we humans treat each-other. I become frightened for the future generations that have to live in this crazy fucked up world. For my daughter and her unborn children and their unborn children.
But worst of all, being the eternal-optimistic-believer-in-the-good-of-mankind that I am…is beginning to hurt my soul. I am starting to lose faith that ONE person can actually make a positive difference. That ONE person can create a ripple of good powerful enough to affect real and lasting change. And I really really don’t like feeling this way.
It seems we have lost our World Heroes. The Buddha’s and the Gandhi’s and the Mother Theresa’s, and dare I say it, the Jesus’s of the world are gone. And while I sincerely hope there are others in the making even before I wrote this, it doesn’t look like anyone is stepping up to replace those beautiful, loving, spirits of generosity. Instead we are bombarded, beaten and bullied by powerful anti-human World Villains like the Trump’s and the KKK’s and the White Supremacists. Our hopes and our hearts and our very souls becoming stained by their violence on the natural diversity that is our humanity.
This is not a political tirade.
This is Despair speaking from a place of Honesty. For me and for the world. And it’s got me down. Big time.
So, I asked The-All-Powerful-Being-In-The-Sky to please show me my purpose here on earth because I feel like I have lost my way. I am deeply troubled by the very real issues that affect us all on a very profoundly personal level. The loss of Hope is mounting on a scale that is almost unimaginable. And it’s evident in the anxiety, the depression, the stress and the suicides. Look around you the next time you are out in the world. Really look into the faces of the people.
As for me. All I want to do is spread a little love and sunshine so that for someone, somewhere, life isn’t so friggin sad. Myself included. I actually said out loud and with genuine intention, “I surrender myself to YOU because I am doing such a shitty job at this whole Life thing.” And I meant it. Humble right? Lol. Well, all I can say is that if we are truly made in the image of The Creator, than sarcasm and dark humor are not man-made. 😉
I sat on the couch and stayed in that emotional, tear-filled space for about 15 minutes. And then I felt calmer. The tears subsided. I breathed in deeply and tried to ground myself. I didn’t know if my prayers were truly heard, or if I even prayed the right way, but I like to think Someone or Something heard my heart and, in the moment, that was enough.
When I reached for my iPhone again, I closed the meditation app and a few other windows I had left open. One of them was a Ted Talk I had been listening to yesterday, but now in its place was a different Ted Talk waiting to be heard. A woman named Jacqueline Way stood frozen on my screen with a caption above her head. Apparently, she had a plan on:
I was like…seriously?
Then I was like…HOLY SHIT. Seriously!
(You gotta listen when the Universe is trying to tell you something. Isn’t this what I had just prayed about???!)
So I watched and listened.
And my faith was kinda restored a little bit.
ONE person CAN STILL make a difference in this fucked up world.
It was a sign. Yup. I’m going there lol.
What Jacqueline Way has created is a beautiful life implementation called 365 Give. It’s brilliant! And I for one am going to actively take part, and spread this message anyway that I can! And if YOU are a parent with a growing young mind to shape, then you really need to watch this! It’s neuroscience at its most basic, and goodwill toward humanity at its best. She’s a friggin shiny ray of sunshine and Hope for a better world! Yay Jacqueline!!!
We all need to listen to this!
Don’t you dare leave this page without clicking on the video!
AND THEN I FOUND THIS RIGHT AFTER I WATCHED THE VIDEO
Reblogged: A Thomas Point of View: Ghost 🙂
I posted this poem yesterday. It was the catalyst for this post and the thing that lifted my mood immensely. So thank you, Tikeetha, once again. Much love! ❤
Writing this made me feel a little better. I hope it does the same for you.
Sometimes you come across a message that seems totally random, but when you really start thinking about it, it’s really not random at all. No matter how shitty you might feel, Get Dressed and Show Up.
Truly, that’s half the battle!
See you soon. Till then…
OWN YOURSELF!
ACCEPT, EMBRACE & LOVE
EVERYTHING THAT MAKES YOU YOU!
And Namaste your ASS off!
I had a dream last night with my ghost. We were running in a field of wildflowers. Big Open Majestic We were laughing and playing. Like old times. We paused. Laid down in the wild flowers. He held my hand while I cried. I told him about my dreams that were unfilled My hopes that had died My […]
