I often reflect on my life from a place of wonderment. That I’ve even survived is pretty much a miracle. I’ve stopped questioning my purpose and the reasons for the things I’ve endured. I don’t always understand the lessons I’m being taught, but I do believe there is a grand design which will be made evident to me one day. Perhaps in life, but certainly in death. I also believe they have had to be endured to teach me something. Something of importance and significant meaning. I’m sure of that. Though at times the message is vaguely reminiscent of a subtle scent on the lightest breeze. Alluring, somewhat perceivable, yet frustratingly elusive.
To say the scales of this life have been emotionally unbalanced would be an understatement. I was not born into the embracing arms of family, or ever knew the love of a mother. Or a father. Abandonment, loneliness, and struggle have outweighed any sense of belonging, loving and ease. I am not a victim and I don’t feel like one. I am a survivor. There is a difference. I am also a starry eyed, often times, naive dreamer, who still clings, somewhat stubbornly, to the belief that I will find someone whose heart, spirit, mind and body, will match my own capacity to love and be loved. And that it will be easy and honest and playful and fun. Love is not meant to be so serious.
I had all of that once. Then he died. I almost had it twice. Then she left. And now at this stage of my life, I’m not so sure there will be a third time. Why should I be so fortunate when others have never known a love like that, even once. I am in awe. I am grateful. I am humbled by all the love I have often felt undeserving to have. But I know in my heart I am worthy of having the love I want. And that she is worthy of me. And the Universe knows it too. ❤️
It’s an odd place to be
Where someone could say
Be careful what you wish for.
I bargained with the Universe
Made promises I may or may not keep
And I wished and dreamed and hoped.
I cried. I ranted. I raved.
Some were convinced I had lost my mind
Because I wouldn’t or couldn’t let it go.
I broke hearts along the way
Not intentionally, or to be cruel
But because they weren’t the one
No matter how much they, or I
Wanted them to be.
My heart was still broken and empty
And that’s all that I knew.
But still my wish did not come true.
So I gave up.
I let go of the dream.
Finally believing it was not mine to have.
The tears subsided, the ranting slowed
Acceptance calmed me into quiet stillness.
I was finally at peace with the knowledge
That not all wishes are heard
And not all dreams come true.
In a bit of serendipitous happenstance
Here it is.
Or is it?
How do I even know?
The Universe did a really, really good job
Of convincing me time and time again
That I could not have my hearts desire.
So good, in fact, there was nothing left
But a fading shimmer of stardust
And not a single, solitary speck of hope.
Or was there?
I am befuddled. (Great word 🤓)
Maybe…never give up?
I don’t really know.
The Universe is full of capricious mystery
I don’t presume to understand.
So, now, all I can do is pray
That she finds my long lost, glass slipper
And that we live and love
Happily ever after.
Without Cinderella wishes
What have we got?
Stay safe. Be kind. Love yourself.
You deserve all that your heart desires.