I’m still in a deeply depressed place, but it lifted a bit two days ago when the Universe sent me a message. It was around 10 pm, and I had to work early the next day. I was about to shut down Pinterest on my iPad and get ready for bed, when a message in an affirmation board caught my eye.
The gist of it was to ask the Universe to take over when you’re in overwhelm and feeling like you can’t do it alone. Which is exactly how I was feeling. In a round about way it said to tell the Universe, Hey Universe. You know what I want, so just let me have it, any way possible. And to say this affirmation out loud. So, I figured what the hell. I closed my eyes and repeated the request out loud, verbatim. And to be honest, I actually felt a little better. Like I was offloading the burden I’d been carrying for the past few days and someone else was carrying it for me.
Shortly afterwards, I decided to quickly check my email, then go to bed. I had some messages from my last post, and was reading thru the kindness a follower had sent – (yes Denny, I’m talking about you 😉) – when I saw that I had another new follower.
17 minutes after my talk with the Universe.
At first I was completely shocked. Then incredulous. And then I just laughed, smiled, and looked towards the heavens and said Thank You. It was a wonderfully big feeling of gratitude. Maybe out of proportion with such a seemingly insignificant event, but to me it felt momentous. If you know me at all, you know I have a hard time with loss. And that I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. Losing her was one of my hardest goodbyes. So, to me, her follow felt like a…Hello.
I know how cliche it is to say, but the universe really does work in mysterious ways. And I believe it gives you exactly what you need when you need it, even if you don’t see it that way in the moment. So, when I saw that she had started following my blog again, at first I was grateful for the reconnect. Our blog history is layered and complicated. Hell, everything about our history is layered and complicated. But she slowly disappeared from my life about a year ago, and asked once that I do the same for her, so the follow was a complete surprise. Regardless, I went to bed feeling lighter and didn’t question the why too much.
My work day started as any other, but a confusion had begun to cloud my mind. When I first saw that she had started to follow my blog again, all I wanted to do was send a quick text and say Thanks for making me smile. Nothing big. No expectation. No conversation. Just wanted to express my gratitude in a short text because her follow made me inexplicably happy. Period. But I didn’t send it. I’m not sure why. But something stopped me. Then, as the day progressed, I started to think about the possible reasons she could have had for suddenly deciding to follow my blog again.
I know she has strong voyeur tendencies. She likes to peek into the proverbial window without actually being seen. Or having to commit. But I wondered if it was more than that. And that’s what drove me a little crazy. The wondering. The mind is such a fertile place and once a seed takes root, it’s hard to stop its growth. And as the day progressed I fell deeper into a strange kind of divided introspection, and felt my happiness for the reconnect start to fade. After all, it didn’t mean anything really. She has made her feelings very clear. Not invested or interested in a relationship with me, of any kind.
So, why the sudden, renewed interest in my blog?
By the end of my shift I had made a firm resolution to still my anxious mind, and ultimately decided to send the Thank You. That joy I felt had initially come from a purely, innocent place and I wanted to honour it. Period.
Today I woke up a little less confused and a little less questioning of what the Universe has planned for me. I’m trusting the process that I had initiated two nights ago. I refuse to speculate anymore. It does not serve me well and does me more harm than good. People will always do strange and random things that I will never understand. And perhaps I am not meant to know why. But, I do know that I’m exhausted from all this uncertainty.
So, I’m doing the rational, grown up thing, and reigning in all those old feelings that have no place anywhere. I’ve told this ol’ battered heart of mine to be smarter than it has been in the past. It can’t take anymore hurt. Or rejection. Or disappointment. Or abandonment. Or holding onto a false sense of hope. It’s not fair.
And I deserve so much more.
So, thank you Universe, for your message. For that wonderful moment of pure, childlike joy. For the slight reprieve I experienced from this depression. It was truly and sincerely appreciated. But to be clear, this is what I truly want now :
A simple life.
Be madly in love.
And loved madly in return.
Do fulfilling, healing work.
Be compassionate, kind and of service to others.
Be financially comfortable.
And live out the rest of my days in calm, peace, and gratitude.
I am grateful. I truly am.
So, I will continue to listen to all of your messages. Even when they feel weighted with consequence and questioning. I will trust that you have my back and will continue to always be there when I need you most.
Stay safe. Be kind.