I found music again!
Wow. So very grateful. I’ve missed you!
Thank you, Universe!
And thank you to my Guardian Angel, of course. We’ve been talking alot lately. 👼🏿
At work this weekend. Saturdays are Clean-Your-Room Day. I used to hook up my iPod, crank out the tunes and dance around with my clients. They seemed to enjoy the burst of crazy-fun energy as much as I did. (I know! Tough job but somebody’s gotta do it lol) SB would do the Macarena in her wheelchair and TS would rock his hips back and forth while he held my hands. It was a silly kind of beautiful.
But for months now I haven’t been able to put the music on. It hurt. I’d want to, but the thought of it was too depressing. So I just stopped. My clients, who are Deafblind, would ask me why I wasn’t dancing on Clean-Your-Room Day and I would smile and sign, Oh! Trish forgot! They would laugh and I’d act silly and then pretend I had music on and dance with them. It worked. For all three of us. For a while.
But today…(cue the choir of angels 👼🏿👼🏽👼🏿)…I got out the iPod, plugged it in, turned up the bluetooth block rocker and everything just fell into place. I love when that happens. 😊 And I’m so grateful lol. Music is such a big part of my life. Always has been. Always will be.
It’s back. So that means I’m back.
All of me. 🥰
And I am more grateful for that than I can possibly express here.
I finally made a long awaited on decision. A BIG one. And then from that decision a few more happened organically. And now I have a plan. A clearer future. I feel freer. Even optimistic again. And real hope has sprung from a well I thought had run dry. Amazing what a difference a day makes.
This week sucked royal purple ass lol, but yesterday a true moment of clarity came from the most unexpected place. Work.😳 I had no choice but to face some painful truths that kinda spiralled after my performance review. It was an excellent review cuz I’m excellent at my job, but during the conversation some questions came up that left me really questioning what I’m doing with my life. And some heavy truths blurted out. Truths I’ve been avoiding for…well…years if I’m honest. But it was time. And I’m really okay with that. Even kinda relieved now that its happened and I’ve had a moment to take it all in. It’s liberating. And as a result this heavy depression and weight of hopelessness I’ve been feeling for too long, is finally lifting.
I can’t honestly say it’s all magically disappeared, or that it will never come back. Tomorrow I might not be the friggin ray of sunshine that I am today. 😉 Truth is I may always suffer from depression. And if that’s to be the case, I will just keep on doing the best I can. And feel good about the efforts I make. I’m proud of the person I am and continue to evolve into being. Cuz you know what? I’m a little bit of alright and I’m grateful for that too! 🤗
So today, I feel the depression lifting and for that I am soooo grateful.
Today music found me again. And for that I am stupid grateful.
Today I feel like myself again. Something that hasn’t happened in a very long time. And definitely not since I came out. Yeah, my coming out was definitely a personality altering experience. I got so lost in the lesbian shuffle. It was hard not too. But I felt kinda crazy like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I sort of disappeared. Got swallowed whole and then spit out. Not fun at all. But not today. Today I am grateful to not only remember who I am, but to feel like who I am again. Just Trish. That’s how I should have always identified. I can’t be anything or anyone else and I don’t think I’m supposed to. 😉
Hallelujah. Praise be.
I believe I am finally on the path to finding true healing. From all the wounds. So many brutal wounds. Years and years of pain and sadness is…shifting. I can feel it deep inside.
And today when those songs played I didn’t sink into the dark sadness. Instead, I felt nothing but love and gratitude. I have been loved. So deeply. Not everyone can say that. It would be wrong not to acknowledge that gift. And I loved just as deeply in return. And I’m grateful for all of it. The love, the joy, the heartache of loss in death, and loss in life. Even the painful lessons. All of it. Took a long minute to get here…but hey, I’m a happier little turtle now. 🐢😉
And you know what else?
I will be loved again. And I will love again in return. Deeply. But, maybe, the next time it will be tempered with the wisdom of the many lessons I’ve learned. It’s in my makeup to love and part of my purpose on earth to share that love. I dont always get it right. I’m not perfect. Not sure I’d even want to be. But I try. I really do. Sometimes it gets messy and I feel completely out of my depth but I still try. I’m committed to being a work in progress. The day I give up will be the day I die. But for now I will keep on trying to be the best possible version of me.
Happy musical Saturday!
I’m wearing a smile. Can you see it?!
AND….Oh my gosh! I almost forgot. I finally published something! 7 journals to date! This is the first…and then I changed it slightly lol. So excited! It’s official…that journey has begun! And can you believe I’ve actually sold 3 already in like a month hahaha! Don’t even know how anyone even found me with all the journals on Amazon and no marketing yet lol. Crazy. Not selling here, just showing. 😉🤣 More on my KDP venture soon! Gotta go…work hahaha. ❤
The first step of my publishing journey! So excited. Woo hoo!!!
A happier me. 🥰
Stay safe and try to be happy. It just feels really really good!