I Just Wanted To Dance!

I still marvel at how the universe and ones heart so often seem to be on the same wavelength. Connected in some mystical way. 😉 I’d call it serendipity but it’s not always a good thing. Ever notice how when something is weighing heavy on your mind, suddenly you are inundated with show and tells of it 24/7?

Like when you’re pregnant, suddenly all you see are pregnant people. Or if you’re thinking of buying a yellow car, vroom! there goes another one. If you’re in a good place happy songs, rainbows, and smiling babies abound. If you’re depressed there’s no fucking silver lining – it’s just a dark miserable cloud, everyone is in a shitty mood and everything reminds you just how much your life sucks. And if you’re heartbroken all the radio seems to play are just kill me and get it over with songs.

Yeah. It’s that kinda day.

I love music. It’s been playing in the background of my life ever since I can remember. As a kid my foster mom played Opera. In my tweens I was introduced to Soul and Funk and understood why my hips move the way they do. In the 70’s I fell in love with Soft Rock, and in the 80’s I was an unstoppable dancing machine. Then, when my daughter was born in the 90’s, my best friend introduced to me to a world of musical eclectic-ness I didn’t even know existed. Artists too numerous to mention, but the love affair was sublime.

Up until this past summer music was my balm, my solace, the only thing that truly gave me joy even in my darkest moments. But when she told me that having me absent didn’t make her heart grow fonder, that basically it didn’t matter if I was in her life anymore, music suddenly became unbearable. I wish I could tell you why but I’m not sure myself. All I know is that the passion was gone. 🥺

I can’t tell you how many times I would create a playlist of completely un-us-related and un-any-love songs, plug myself into my iPod, sit back and wait to be transported from the sadness of heartache into a bright new sunny moment only to find myself ripping out the buds and shutting it all down minutes later. I’d walk away feeling sad and depressed by my own despondency and inability to find my customary joy in music. And it was killing me. So much power given away. And for what? Why do we do that? Give away our power? Why do I?

Hmmm…🤔

Last night I was prepping food for this labour intensive healthy food style I’ve recently adopted – (don’t even get me started lol) – and I had the radio playing for the first time in months. I thought that would be an easy ease back into the tunes. My life just isn’t the same without music and I’ve missed it. How much harm could the radio do, right? A little light listening while I sliced and diced and blended. Maybe a song or two I could dance too. That would be fun. I haven’t really danced in forever. And kitchen dancing really is the best!

The first 3 out of 5 songs were songs I’d never heard before so I was really listening to the lyrics. Kinda mellow but surely something upbeat would play soon? So I kept listening. But when #3 started to play I was like, really? I just wanted a song I could dance too! I glared at the radio more than once and all I can say is I’m glad the knife I was using was relatively dull.

Sam Smith…you’re killing me. Like seriously. You’re awesome and totally relatable, but sing a fucking happy song already.

Calvin Harris n The Weeknd…you had to collaborate to say its over? Just shut up. I know. I got the fucking memo. Really. I’M GOOD!

Khalid. Love you. Love the song. Love the beat. Makes my hips move the way they were born to move. But if I hear Better one more time I’m gonna scream.

Click.

Fucking radio.

Sigh.

This might take a minute.

14 thoughts on “I Just Wanted To Dance!”

  1. WOW! You’re back!!! I’m so glad to see you writing again. I’ve missed you. 🙂 I was thinking about you yesterday for some reason. Met someone new recently and we were out last night and something she said brought you to mind. It just sounded like something you would say haha how crazy is that? Anyway, I need to catch up but I saw that you were “live” as it were and I wanted to post a hello before you disappeared. I hope you are managing to keep your head above water in these trying times. Bit of a nightmare. Hugs sweet woman. So happy you are back! XO

    1. OMG! I feel like I’m having a family reunion lol!!! How nice!!! ❤❤❤ Hello lovely lady! A new love, perhaps? Exciting!!! I can’t even imagine what she could have said that sounded like me lol but I hope it was something witty and profound 🤣! Soo nice to see you here again. I’m live but have to go cuz I’m at work and got stuff I gotta do right now lol. But I’ll be back! Yay! I feel like I’m coming home. Thank you guys. So much. I’m feeling the love.❤

    1. Strange how you were on my mind when I finished writing this like 5 minutes ago lol. Now that is serendipitous. 😉. I hope you’re doing ok in these crazy crazy times. ❤

      1. Well, to be honest I’m not sure coming back here was a good idea. At least not to this blog. Maybe I should have just started another one? But, just as real, is the fact that this is all I have left of a time when I was happy and in love and I kinda need that reminding right now. Not in a dwell on the past kinda way but more of a reminder of what life can be like again. I still have hope and haven’t given up on love, ya know? I found it twice…three times is a charm right lol? Definitely a stir of echos scenario here tho. I’m struggling with alot right now so I DO know what you mean by coming and going. Totally! Sigh. How’s the sobriety going? I haven’t caught up with your blog yet.

      2. I’m a chronic relapser. So I’m still trying to find my way and oddly, I’d like to feel loved too. I just think our human experience is one where we hope to feel love. Maybe we can figure out how to love ourselves and maybe a partner might show up for the ride, huh?

      3. I do love myself. I’ve gotten so much better at it in the past few years. So much growth and self discovery and it’s been amazing. No, I don’t think not loving myself is my issue. Mine is simply not knowing how to get past a broken heart. No amount of cliches or positive thinking or reflection or well intended advice has helped. I’m better. Much much better. But there’s this pain I live with every day and some days it’s harder to bear than others. And truth is this is the only place I can talk about these feelings. It’s been a minute and I choose not to bring my friends down with a sadness from a story that ended so long ago. I’m just sad inside. It may never go away. But I’ll survive. I do have good things happening in my life. I’m just missing…something lol. 😉 But I do hear you. And you just never know. 🥰

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s