Eleven years ago I started this blog. For me. I knew nothing of blogging other than it might be a cool place to vent all the angst around my coming out. I thought it would be private, anonymous and freeing. And for a short time it was. I knew nothing about followers.
And then I wrote a post that caught the eye of a WordPress editor and within 2 months of my beginning, my little, obscure blog blew up a bit when I got “Pressed”. In my excitement I told my partner, the woman I had come out for, and she told me she had already discovered my blog and had been reading it. I had mixed feelings about that for many reasons, but mostly because I felt so naked knowing she was privy to things I wasn’t sure I wanted her to be privy too. I wrote my heart out here. The hurt, the fear, the sadness, the pain of failure, the anger and confusion of our relationship. The darker side of my love exposed, all here for her to read. I can only imagine how some of it made her feel. But to her credit she did not tell me of her discovery until I shared the news of my award.
Shortly afterward, my blog stopped being about me and quickly became about us. And then about her. Somehow along the way my intention for starting the blog got lost. As did I. Completely. And for a long time I couldn’t come back here without getting lost in the past. The pull was strong and I weak. So I stayed away. But, today I reclaim this space for me again. For my truth, my story, and my new beginning. There has not been an us for a very long time.
But there will always been Me.
I think I’d like to be more visually creative with the blog this time around. I’m a 3D-person with an HD personality and there are many layers that need attention. Yes, I’m a late blooming lesbian, but I am also a mother, a lover, a sister, a friend, a writer, an artist, a creator, a spiritualist, a Reiki Master and a huge believer in the Universe and karma. I’d like this blog to represent all the parts of me, so I’m gonna spend a little time creating something just for me to decorate my blog with. I look forward to the creative challenge! For now it will remain White. Pristine. Virginal. I kinda like that.
When I looked at my list of followers, it seemed to me that many of them were spammy, self promoting advertisers, or genuine folks who are no longer actively blogging. So, I deleted over 600. Gasp! Sound crazy lol? Meh, more of a do-over. Clean slate and all. I did keep the handful of bloggers that I have actually formed relationships with. Many of these followers are truly my WordPress family and have talked me off the ledge and pulled me up the rabbit hole more times than I can count. ❤ Join them if you like, or just come along for the ride, but if you do, please honour the fact that this is my story and my space to write. Free of the emotional constraints that have blocked me in the past. No other truth but my own will be written here. And that is as it should be. It’s my blog after all. Mine. All mine. If you’re not a fan, that’s cool. There are literally a million other blogs you can read. Seriously. It’s all good!
In love and light ❤