It’s a day off and I’m chillin. I’ve been surfing YouTube for new music. I love discovering new artists. New to me that is. 😉 And today I discovered Chester Lee. He’s so amazingly talented! I don’t know why he’s not blowing out mainstream yet. Powerful lyrics and so much heartfelt emotion. I’m definitely a new fan.
One listener wrote: “When you’re happy you enjoy the music. When you’re sad you understand the lyrics.”
Fuck. So true. Right?
And then I found his cover of Say Something and for the second time, the message in that song really hit home. And when it finished playing I realized something.
The script has flipped.
I’m finally done with all of this sadness around a woman who no longer cares for me. My first lesbian love. Who now, at the very hint of me, gets exasperated, annoyed and kind of mean. And even tho I’m working really hard to manage it, I’m just so fucking angry with her right now. And I don’t like her very much. I honestly don’t even know why I’ve missed her as much as I have. She really is an insensitive prick.
Rose coloured glasses? Maybe.
Or maybe it was just the sex.
Sex can be addictive and cause all kinds of emotional confusion. She was good in bed. It was her super power and she knew it. Called it being “Paulinated”. Yah, I thought it was cute and clever too back in the day. She used sex as a form of control. Told me so herself. And it worked. Red flag #471. But I also remember her telling me once, in a super rare and vulnerable moment, that she believed most women in her past just wanted her for sex.
I wanted her just for her.
But truth is, she never quite figured out how to do the rest of the relationship stuff. The hard stuff. The stuff that really matters in the long run. Maybe that’s why her relationships failed. Maybe that’s why we failed.
I know I just contradicted myself. But I’m also writing this from a place of hurt and anger right now. But just for clarification, she meant way more to me then a good f*ck.
This done-ness didn’t just happen in a vacuum for me either. It took some time. Maybe too much time. Maybe that’s why now the very hint of me makes her exasperated, annoyed and kind of mean.
Or maybe she’s just a selfish, self-centered prick who really needs to learn that accepting people for who they are is what love and life is all about.
That while it’s fun to idealize and fantasize about the perfect partner, the reality is that people are human, flawed, and make mistakes. And that she, just like the rest of us, is far far far from perfect.
Or maybe she just needs to stop being afraid to love and learn to let someone love her. Completely. Before is too late.
I wanted to be that person.
But now I just want to be free of my feelings for her. I just want my heart back.
I. Am. Done.
I’m so tired.
I really tried.
To reconnect. To be a friend. To not lose another person I love. But when the door keeps slamming in your face and your heart gets repeatedly battered by the steely silence of cold resolve, even someone as stubborn as me will eventually give up.
Mission accomplished. I hope you’re happy now.
So, I played this song. For the last time. And cried over her. For the last time. And then deleted it from my playlist. It’s a beautiful song but is it too much to ask that I never hear it again? 💔
The repeat. The rehash. The remembering. It’s over. This hamster is getting off the wheel now. It’s lonely spinning around all by myself. So, I‘m giving up. It’s hard for me tho. It’s not in my nature to give up on the people I love. And it never will be. I care too much. But it’s also not in my nature to let anyone make me feel this small.
I love myself too much.
I’m still listening to Chester’s music and falling a little bit in love. Beautiful lyricist. Awesome pianist. Funny. Silly. Romantic Soul. Absolutely my kinda person.
And I need to remember that that is my kind of person. Someone with a heart that isn’t afraid to love. Someone who cares and doesn’t think it’s weak to show it. Someone who believes in me. Fights for me. And accepts me for who I am. I need to remember that.
Every . Single . Day
And never sell myself short again. Or beg for someone’s love.
Her love has been full of fucking hard lessons for me. I can’t even begin to tell you the places I’ve gone with the hurting.
But I’m here. Now.
Better late than never, right?
So, I put this little playlist together of Chester’s songs because they resonate with me and I really like his music. Yes, they make me feel a little sad. A little nostalgic. And a little broken. But that too will pass with enough time. Or so I’ve been told by the many who fell before me.
We may not be able to choose who our hearts love but we can choose what to do with that love when it’s not wanted. And I’m taking mine back cuz I LOVE ME.
I know you don’t come here anymore, and if you do, I highly doubt you’ll come back again after this read, so this is more for me than you.
You hurt me. Bled me. Kicked me. And then left me when I was down. You’ve treated my heart like it was a toy, and broke it when I displeased you. I’ve done everything I know how to show you that I still care and you push me away like I am nothing. And now I have nothing left to give you.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
I’m sorry you wouldn’t let me.
I’m sorry that I’ve spent so much of my energy trying to please you. That I gave so much of myself to someone who thinks so little of, and wants so little for, themselves. But at the time, I really thought you were someone else.
I’ll be forever sorry that I have spent so much time living in the past chasing your ghost.
But most of all I’m sorry to my husband and my daughter for leaving them to be with you.
And I’m sorry to the women that I hurt so much on this coming out journey, largely in part because of you. They never stood a chance because I compared them all to you. Your love. Your kisses. Your sex. How I felt when I was with you. They always came up short because I really believed, even through all the crazy, even after you left, that you were my forever. And I believed I was yours.
I was so so wrong.
Yah, anywhere I would have followed you.
Even down the rabbit hole.
I loved you that much.
And I stayed open to you all this time because of that love. But you never appreciated it. Or what I have to offer. You only ever saw the work, and in your usual Pauline style, you walk away from anything that requires effort. How nice for you to be able to float through life like that.
Or is it?
I would think it gets awfully lonely.
I used to look up to you. Admired and adored you. Wanted your approval and your respect more then anything. Thought you were one of the bravest women I’d ever met. But you’re not are you? You’re a coward of the worst kind. Now I just feel sad for you. And a little bit sorry for you.
It really is much better to have loved with all your heart, and have lost, then to have never learned to really love at all. Maybe you’ll learn that lesson in the next lifetime. And maybe I’ll be there to try and help you. Again.
Or maybe not.
This is me finally saying it and meaning it from that place you broke inside of me.
I wish you love.
Because we all deserve that.
I’m ready for my love story to resume.
Thank you, Universe.
I’m still here ❤