On the bus again.
Tunes on the iPod.
It didn’t die after all.
Dispatch updates the driver. A messy collision on Highway 10 reminds all of us how cruel these lonely roads can be.
Hurting songs block out the noise as heartbreak and loss seep into my ears. The soulful croon of women haunted by love. They cry the tears I’m not allowed to shed. Cuz I should be done with this shit by now. At least that’s what everyone tells me. Funny that. How people feel they can tell you what to feel and how long to feel it.
It’s raining. Again.
The miserable kind that neither refreshes, relaxes or resonates.
It just kinda dismally sucks.
Feeling really down. Like rabbit hole down.
Can you tell?
It’s nothing like I had dreamed it would be when I first came out.
And you know what?
It hurts. A lot. Facing that failure.
The main character has changed.
Exiting the theatre of my life with such calculated coolness I swear I never saw it coming.
The proverbial left hook.
And I’ve become disposable.
A notch. And no longer relevant.
Erased in ways I would never have believed possible.
I remember her. And I.
So it’s a lot for me to process.
And it still fucking hurts.
I’m not sure I will ever understand how someone can show you such tender feelings, then treat you as if you never existed. And I’m not sure I ever want to understand.
Nothing happens in a vacuum. I get that.
And I’d like to think it took some time to get there. But man…
Or was I simply that wrong in my judgment?
Yah, this is hard for me. Cuz I will never know.
And to make matters worse, most of the other players, long familiar and loved, have taken on completely new roles in my life.
Here. But different.
Close. But distant.
Available. But not.
And one has died.
I miss her.
So very very much.
And I never got to say goodbye.
Kinda struggling with that one too.
I accept change. I’ve had to.
People move on.
I understand that not everyone comes into your life to stay. And that more often than not, they come for a specific purpose. And a specific amount of time.
Some come to teach you.
Some come to learn from you.
And while I’m admittedly not a fan of losing people I love – I mean who is really? – I’ve learned to manage my feelings around it. I’ve had to weather some pretty brutal storms. Almost from day one. But I think, for the most part, I’ve handled the tough times relatively well…sorta kinda.
Ugh. Who am I kidding?
It’s been fucking hard.
And I’ve been damaged.
And I don’t want to play that rough anymore.
I’m done. And I’m so tired.
Dealing with loss is hard for me.
The holes in my heart don’t heal.
Somedays the emptiness left behind is unbearable.
There have been too many of those days lately. And I’m really struggling. It doesn’t seem to matter what anyone says or does to try and make me feel better. Or how perfectly fucking rosy things may appear from the outside. It’s a lie when I say I’m okay. I’m not.
And I miss being…
Full. Excited. And anticipating.
Inside I’m dying these little tiny, heartwrenching deaths. I feel them every single minute of every single day. An inexplicable sadness that eats at me. Knawing at my natural joy for life. And filling me with a kind of despair that only the truly sad and suicidal could possibly understand.
I remember I used to ooze optimism and light.
Was it only a year ago? Or was it 5? Or maybe even 10 now?
I believed anything was possible.
I believed in fairytales.
And happily ever after.
I believed Love could conquer all.
And I believed in people.
I don’t think I do so much anymore.
And that makes me even sadder.
My ability to believe unwaveringly in the inherent goodness of people. My trust in the Universe. My faith that no matter what it will all work out. These things have been my shining lights through all the crazy. They have preserved my sanity and my peace of mind. Grounding me when nothing and no-one else could.
They are what keeps me alive.
But lately, the ground has been shifting beneath my feet. Like a crack is ready to split so wide open. And if it does, I may fall into the chasm and never find my way back out.
To be honest, I’m a little scared.
I’m losing my trust in Life. And for me, that’s huge.
I feel it all just slipping away.
Being replaced by anxiety.
By a deep and desperate sadness.
I want my joy back.
I want to believe in the impossible again.
I was happy once.
Thrilled by my coming out.
Filled with the hope newness brings.
Bubbling up with deep belly laughter.
Grinning with smiles I couldn’t contain.
Swollen with desire.
Satiated by love.
Dancing deep down inside my soul.
It was crazy. But it was good.
And I was happy.
I never felt disposable.
I never hurt like this.
I wasn’t broken.
And I still believed in everything.
That’s what I miss the most I think.
Is going to be