I recently read a post I believe was meant for me to read? Old habits I guess. It began like this:
There are times I miss you and then I remember the drama. I see pictures pop up on Facebook of you and I and I remember the happy times but they were infrequent and I had to be careful of what I said so I didn’t burst the bubble. I do miss you but I miss more of what could have been…
Um…thanks. I think?
Regardless of how I feel about this tentative reaching out after being ghosted, it got me thinking about people’s perspective on love and relationships when they end.
In the beginning of love, if you’re lucky, being with your person feels like life is made of the dreamy stuff in fluffy clouds, shooting stars, and rainbows. It’s magical. The high is unlike any other and you float in the heavenly, warm cushion of intimacy, the best-sex-ever, and kisses to die for. It’s like Candyland appears each time they smile. 🤭
Then, for too many of us, somewhere in the middle of love, the clouds lose their light and soft fluffiness, the shooting stars sputter and the rainbows fade.
And by the end of love, dark thunder clouds clap their angry bitterness, and in a jagged flash, it’s all gone.
And it’s here that I ponder the differences in every lover’s perspective. How they differ from one another in their feelings and expressions in the aftermath of love.
I think she was attempting to say the loving, warm-hearted thing which is, “I miss you.” But almost before the proverbial ink was dry, she negated the simple truth of the missing by crippling its validity with, “I miss you…BUT…”
Why the BUT?
Why couldn’t she have just said “I miss you” and not take away from the sentiment by adding the negative tags? Fear of appearing vulnerable? Normal? Human? It’s not like, on the off chance that I ever read it 😏, I would have taken it the wrong way. No. She has made herself very clear on the subject of me.
I continued my browsing and read another post from a different writer who wrote:
I miss you so much my heart aches. I wish you knew how sorry I am for all the misunderstandings and sadness we brought to each other. I know you loved me and I know I loved you. I wish things could have been different for us. Today I’m just missing you.❤
Now that one made me smile. It’s sad, but it’s honest. Sincere. And above all, it’s kind and actually quite beautiful. Sounds like something I would say.😉
And in yet another post a different writer wrote:
You suck! You ruined my life and I truly hate you. I wish I never ever met you but I still love you. Please come back to me.
Lol… yeah. I know. I had the same reaction to that one. But to be fair, all these posts are legit and real. They express, as eloquently as the writer could, exactly how they were feeling at the time of the writing. And who am I to put a right or wrongness on personal expression?
It’s amazing how many different ways we feel when our relationships end. Blaming. Blamed. Angry. Sad. Lonely. Suicidal. Murderous. Vindictive. Vengeful. Hateful. Humbled. Rejected. Victimized. The list is endless. But if we are truly honest we’d recognize that all those feelings bubbling up are just masking one BIG emotion: Hurt.
And maybe a little Fear.
Sometimes I think we’re all just children playing at this adulting thing and love is this ultimate endgame some of us will spend lifetimes trying to get to and master.
But when a relationship ends and we want to express our hurt, we don’t have to be mean, belittling, cruel, or take away from any of the love we once felt for someone. That’s such an unnecessary and sorrowful legacy to leave behind for something as beautiful as what you shared together.
If more of us took the time to sit with that hurt for a moment so we could understand how it’s making us feel and react, and actually owned those feelings, we might be able to accept and understand that sometimes relationships are not meant to last.
It’s not anyone’s fault. It just is.
We meet the people in our lives for a reason. They teach us lessons about ourselves and if we are wise we learn from those lessons. Cuz more often then not, until we learn those lessons, we remain in a wickedly painful cycle of repeat.
Now don’t get me wrong here.
I totally know the blistering pain that comes from being left. Rejected. Even scorned.
Believe me. I know.
And it took me a crazy amount of time to move past the hurt. And all the roller-coaster emotions. And all the triggers. And all the bad behaviors that the breakup inspired. But, in hindsight, I could have saved myself so much heartache and suffering if I had just been able to sit with that hurt and that fear, and taken the time to understand and accept that:
Sometimes the person you think is gonna be your forever, isn’t.
And it’s okay.
Sometimes the path you were absolutely certain of, changes.
And it’s okay.
And on those really dark days when those fucking demons are winning the war and you think no amount of crying, begging, venting, binge eating, drinking, casual sex, or whatever your vice might be, is going to ease the pain…ever…well…you’re right.
Cuz those bandaids don’t heal.
They simply prolong the agony.
If this is where you are right now, I can tell you something from personal experience. The pain does eventually start to fade. Those shards ripping your heart apart right now, the ones that you are absolutely, positively, without-a-fucking-doubt convinced will kill you?
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but your pain will lessen. And as fucking annoying as it to hear, time really will heal your wound. Maybe not completely, but enough so that you can:
Smile again without breaking.
Laugh again without crying.
And believe that you are worth loving.
Cuz you soooo are!
And you will, given time, learn to love again.
We are creatures who crave connection and we will always seek love.
It’s hard-wired in our DNA.
So, if you’re reading this and you’ve just lost someone you love because you’re relationship ended, or you’re struggling to get over someone weeks, months or even years after they’ve left, try and remember this.
Love doesn’t just disappear because the person does. If they’re gone and your heart is broken, but you still love them, it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to grieve the loss of them. It just means you’re a sensitive, giving, caring person who’s capable of great love. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. And don’t let anyone tell you there’s an expiration date on loving someone. You will feel what you feel until you don’t feel it anymore. Period.
I know it may not feel like it right now, but you will grow from this experience in ways you can’t possibly imagine. I know it sucks. Big time. I really have been there done that. But it’s true. You’ll grow. Believe me. I did.
And, in case you’re feeling a little foolish, or bitter, or regretful, try and remember that love is never given to the wrong person. We are all deserving. No matter what. You didn’t waste your time or your energy or your love loving because no one is a waste of time or energy. (Not even that lousy shmuck who broke your heart. 😉 )
We all deserve love and attention and none of us is more deserving than the other. So stop judging yourself. Or them. It’s a waste of time and will never serve you well. You once loved that person who’s broken your heart, more than life itself, and you need to honor those feelings and that love, even if it no longer lives between the two of you.
Relationships are meant to happen. But not all of them are meant to last.
Yes, some are more challenging than others lol. And yes, some will test your every last ounce of fucking patience and compassion! 😏 But love, once given, can never be taken back. Nor should it be.
But, also remember this.
Don’t be a doormat.
Don’t stay in relationships that aren’t healthy.
And don’t ever let yourself be abused.
Respect yourself. Always.
But never regret loving someone who was once the center of your world. And you theirs. It still has worth. Loving someone is never in vain, regardless. And one day you will see that. You really will.
And if you’re in that place of wondering if they ever think of you the way you think of them, I can promise you that they do. When you love someone, truly love someone, a piece of them stays with you forever. And if they loved you, really loved you, a piece of you will always be with them. And you know what? That’s okay too.
Sometimes the love you think will never come again, does. Be open to it.❤
I know it may not feel like it right now but please trust me when I say this. If I can get over a broken heart, you can too.
You really are gonna be okay.😘