In my recent post on being ghosted by my eX, I ranted about how cruel ghosting is and how cowardly I think it is to not say goodbye to someone you had an intimate relationship with and just ignore them as if they never existed. She must have literally taken this as a personal challenge, or taken offense, or something, cuz she sent me an email to, once again, say goodbye.
Just in case I didn’t feel the door hit me in the ass on her way out.
She must have missed the part at the end of the post where I wrote that I did eventually get my goodbye, and felt the need to be crystal clear and say it me one more time.
Since then, she has stopped following my blog, accomplishing the one thing that I couldn’t seem to do in the past few weeks. Cutting the last string of connection we had. I had asked her to stop following my blog weeks ago, but it wasn’t until my ghosting post that she decided it was time. I kinda knew as I was writing it that it might be the proverbial straw but wasn’t sure until she sent me the email literally minutes after I posted.
So. That is that. No more…anything.
She’s irrevocably, irreconcilably out of my life.
Feels strange typing that.
I’m a mixed bag on how I’m feeling right now. Can’t seem to land on any one particular emotion. It’s the end to a conversation we’ve been having, though very one-sided this past year, that’s been going on for just over 10 years. That’s a long time to have someone at the forefront of your thoughts. And this blog was truly our last connection to each other. So it feels a little odd writing here without her. I feel like I’ve lost a close friend. Again. And I suppose in some ways, I have. But I don’t think she was truly ever my friend. Maybe she didn’t know how to be. I was willing. But then again, I do have some experience in that department. Where I tend to keep the people I care about in my life, if possible, she chooses to keep them out. She sheds them and moves on. Like on old, unwanted skin.
Since my coming out, this is one thing I have learned about most lesbians: when they are done with you, they are done with you. I’ve heard it often. I even heard her say it once upon a time ago. I just never thought one day I would be the one she was done with.
So. After reading my post, she sent me another goodbye.
Just to be clear that she was done with me.
In case, I somehow believed otherwise.
And then she told me she had un-followed my blog. To give me peace, she said. Said she felt she was sending me the wrong message by continuing to follow me. And she was right. I thought that it meant she still cared about me. Not in an “I’m in love with you.” kinda way, just an “I still care about you as a friend and want to know how you are.” kinda way. But her slow fade ~ then ghosting ~ and now this final and last goodbye has put an end to that silly notion.
I’m trying to be grateful for the harsh severing, but it’s not easy.
The thing is I didn’t need another goodbye from her. Or a “move on”, or a “let go” or a “stop engaging” or her telling me that I’m the most stubborn she knows. Which is pretty much what I got. Along with the goodbye. No. What I needed was an explanation for WHY she ghosted me. For WHY she decided to shut me out of her life. For WHY she abandoned me without telling me she was leaving. And I told her as much.
It might seem strange to some but I need that reason clarified so that I can move on. And to others, it might be glaringly obvious why she ghosted me. But until you have spent nearly 10 years engaged with someone and shared some of the most intimate moments of your life with them, and given your heart and soul to them, you will never understand why a reason or some kind of explanation is needed for their defection.
I readily admit that I have abandonment issues. And she knows this, as she has them too. I’ve had a fucked up life that literally started with being abandoned. And because of that beginning, I have trust issues and all kinds of shit around love and commitment. So does she. We have talked at length in the past about how easily we get triggered around the subject. And when she began her slow fade out of my life, without any explanation or goodbye, and then stopped communicating completely, all kinds of abandonment issues were triggered. And it really fucked me up.
Our break up in bullet points:
- she left me after nearly 5 years
- I rebounded into someone else
- she wanted me back but I didn’t trust her with my broken heart
- she conceded and told me she couldn’t imagine her life without me
- for nearly 5 years we sorta did the friend thing and stayed connected
- we wrote of our sadness and loss in our blogs
- I had someone to help me through the hurting
- she had fuck flings and friends
- she moved on cuz she knew how – she’s a seasoned lesbian who sheds partners
- I did not – she was my first
- recently she shut me out of her life, without saying goodbye or telling me why
- I need proper closure and some sort of explanation so that I can truly move on
- she has healed
- I have not
For me, this recent ghosting was brutal. It was like her leaving me all over again only this time with a finality that wasn’t present the first time. It broke my heart and left me with feelings of shame and worthlessness. Stuff I have worked really hard on to manage throughout my life, and for the most part, overcome.
My initial ghosting post was a result of a year-long process of working through my stuff about her unexplained silences. To her, it was an event, a call to action, if you will. So she acted and severed ties completely. I stated in my post that I wish she had just told me straight up how she was feeling in a way that was kind and gentle in explanation, but also clearly recognizable as a goodbye. I even gave her an example cuz I know how easily overwhelmed she can feel by having to show her underbelly and deal with hard, emotional issues. It went like this…
” Trish, I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you and it would hurt too much. I love you and wish you happiness in whatever you do in life and will always carry you in a special place in my heart. Having said that, I have to let you go and move on as communicating with you only hurts and makes me miss you. It doesn’t serve me well and keeps me in a place of sadness, and I want to be happy again. So for me, this is goodbye. Always, P xoxx “
Of course, those are my words and style, not hers, but I was trying to make a point.
She also said, in her short and terse email response, that she found my need to engage puzzling, so I told her the reason I pushed for communication was cuz I didn’t understand what she needed from me ~ because she didn’t tell me! (And yes, sometimes I need things spelled out in black and white!) Instead, she kept sending me random platitudes like “Let go, Trish”, “Move on, Trish”, “I hope this gives you closure, Trish”, but she never once gave me the thing I needed to be able to do so.
An answer to the WHY.
” Why did you decide to just stop communicating with me instead of just telling me what you needed so that I could understand and then honor your wishes. I would have had I truly known.”
So now I have asked her for the WHY. And I have asked for this on behalf of the insecure, lost, abandoned child in me that just wants to now that I am not the enemy, that I am worthy of love as well as an explanation for this abandonment.
I don’t want the answer to her WHY left to my imagination. Imagination coupled with insecurity can be a mind fuck.
And I don’t have an ulterior motive for asking this either. That would be pointless. I got the memo. I really did.
I just want the WHY so I can move on, let go, and fully heal in a healthy and honest way.
I have asked her for this because it is what I need.
And because she claims to want to give me peace.
This is how she can help me move on and heal. If she wants to.
I’d like to think she still cares just enough to give me this last and final gift.
But somehow, I don’t think she will.
And that makes this goodbye all the sadder for me. 💔