So I’ve decided it’s time to stop being okay with being fat. I really have no excuse for it. I know how to eat well. I know my body well. And I understand kinesiology. I know what it takes to be strong and fit. But for some unknown reason I am letting myself slide into that comfortable, uncomfortable, complacent place of accepting the bulge around my belly, arms that are turning into jelly, and having cellulite on my ass. When the fuck did that happen???
Yeah. I think I’m done.
I want my sexy back.
Every day, when I put on my glasses (yeah that’s a thing now too 😏) and look at the aging taking place in my body, I cringe. Just a little. Not because I’m aging, but because I’m not doing it well. I hurt now in places I shouldn’t hurt and it’s not from aging.
It’s from lack of movement.
My doctor recently pronounced that I have Fibromyalgia. And I laughed. I laughed because I feel like it’s a diagnosis you get when doctors are baffled with why you have pain and the cause doesn’t show up in an xray or ultrasound or any other tests they order. Yeah, I could very well have this mysterious, painful, for now: incurable disease, but I have another theory. While I’ve been busy doing life and trying to get it right, I’ve forgotten one of the most important golden rules for optimum health:
Guilty. 😔 Guilty. 😔 Guilty. 😔 Fuck.
I’ve neglected my body for the past 5 years and it’s finally in protest. Big time. Moving to Barrie has been hard on me in so many ways, but the most damage has been done to my body. Cuz I forgot to keep moving. I haven’t been riding my bike like I used to do in Toronto. I’ve been sitting in a car. I don’t walk because there’s nothing to walk to. Barrie is so widespread and filled with random, scattered hotspots that walking feels aimless. I need to have a destination. And now I sit alot at home. On my computer. Working. I used to ride everywhere in Toronto. Or walk. And I didn’t own a car. So, I was moving all the time. And while Fibromyalgia may be playing a part in my story of pain, I feel like it’s this lack of movement that is the true culprit.
As far as aging goes, I’m honestly okay with it. Would I like to be 21 with a do-over? Maybe the do-over part, but 21 kinda sucked lol. I’m actually okay with where I’m at. Right. Now. I just turned 58 and most people don’t believe it when I tell them how old I am. So yay me!
Nope. Aging is not the issue.
At least it’s not the major player.
I will readily admit that with each physical sign of my disappearing youth, I do have bittersweet moments of grief. They don’t last long, but I think I’m allowed to mourn the loss. I’m a girl. And I like looking girlie. It’s a thing. 💋 But then I let out a big sigh and quickly move on cuz there’s not much I can do about it. I’m also a realist. We all age. It’s inevitable. And in many ways I am grateful to have lived this long.
My parents didn’t.
My best friend didn’t. 😥
Too many didn’t.
When I see each new wrinkle, crinkle or laugh line on my face I say “meh” cuz I own every fucking one. Happily. It’s been a life! And I have survived it! So hell yeah. Yay me! But the gray is slowly taking over the black. Sleep has become elusive and I wake up every middle-of-the-night to go pee. Lol, yeah that’s a thing too.
I’ve come to terms with many of these changes. Mostly. Melatonin and L’oreal (cuz I’m worth it!) work wonders though lol. It’s when my body doesn’t do what it used to do, and should still do, that I feel like a stranger in it. Or when I try to lift something I used to lift easily, or try to loosen a jar lid and can’t that I sit back and think, “Really Trish?! You used to be solid like a tree trunk.” And while being compared to a tree trunk is not what a girl wants whispered in her ear, I can appreciate the analogy. I totally get it now. And I want to be a tree trunk again.🌳🌳🌳
I was strong. Sexy. Kinda hot.
But these days I’m not feeling so strong. Or sexy. But sexy is subjective and I’ve been told I still got it so Ima go with that. 😎 But I gotta tell you these rolls of fat and shaky bits aren’t make me feel like “all that and a bag of chips.” So I gotta do something about it cuz I’ve always thought strong was sexy. And..
I want my SEXY back!
A few months ago I committed to meditation for real. And then I fell off the zen wagon. More then once. I don’t know why. I love meditating! And even further back then that I began working out again. I love the way I feel when I’m sweating and dripping wet from a good workout. Such an awesome rush! And again, I fell off the wagon. More then once. And I don’t know why. I feel great after I workout! The sense of personal achievement and the adrenaline high are totally addictive. And I feel like I’m invincible!
I Can Do Anything!
But I keep falling off the fucking wagon. And it’s become so disheartening that I just want to give up! And stay fat. And in pain. And just say fuck it and get old and miserable. Failure sucks!!!
But I’m not a giver upper. No siree Bob. I will keep at a thing until I’ve exhausted every avenue. I don’t like quitting on anything or anyone…but most of all, I don’t like quitting on myself! So I’m not gonna. Instead, I’ve decided to take a different approach to my wellness.
Everyone knows that it takes 21 days to create a habit. Or break one. So I’m gonna put that theory to the test. With one BIG difference. I’m NOT gonna take on everything in one go. Nope. I’m gonna break it up into realistic bite size pieces I can manage. No more setting myself up for failure.
I believe the biggest reason so many well-intentioned people start and then fail at weight loss and getting in shape is because they try to do too much at one time! If you’re out of shape, have any kind of unhealthy addiction, be it food or alcohol or whatever, and you’re in pain to boot, well trying to fix everything at once is not only super fucking overwhelming, it’s pretty much impossible. Unless you’re a superhero. But superheros aren’t usually overweight addicts. Let’s be real here. So I’m going to try a new approach using the 21 Day theory.
For 21 days, starting yesterday 😉 I’m going to meditate to my favourite meditation guru Sarah Blondin,(this woman totally gets it!), walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes and smile at myself in the mirror while I do it, and then yoga stretch for 20. I am going to achieve that 10000 steps everyday cuz I have a Fitbit now and baby, it’s on!
And after that?
For another 21 Days I am going to focus on food and add healthy eating back into the mix.
Normally that wouldn’t be much of a challenge. I used to eat well and it felt good! I like salads and veggies and shit! But I have definitely developed some bad eating habits. NOM NOM NOM! Fucking fast food is a curse!
So that’s my plan.
It’s S.M.A.R.T. 😁
Just for ME.
My body. My life. My choice.
And as an added incentive I’m going to document this journey in a vlog…😯. I know right?! If vlogging about your fitness journey in all your glorious but not so glamorous fat for the world to see doesn’t keep you accountable, I don’t know what will! Lol.
Fibromyalgia might be the true reason for this unexplained pain in my body and if it is I will deal with it and find a way to conquer it. But I truly do believe at the end of the day I will still continue to move cuz I know movement, or lack of it, is at the root of alot of our modern illness. That and stress. And trauma. But those are other posts for another day lol. Right now, movement is my focus. Cuz I plan on being the sexist 60 year old alive!
Wish me well!
Here goes! This is day 2! Woo hoo!
❤🧡💛💚💜💙🙏🦋😊 Yup. 🌳🌳🌳