I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “Do It Scared!“; fully embraced its meaning, put on my big girl pants, walked up to the thing I was scared of and then…POOF! my brave melted into my fear and disappeared in a super cloud of animated cartoon dust. For real. Ran away like my life depended on it. UH… NOPE. I AM SOOO OUTTA HERE!!!
Doing the things you’re most afraid to do takes crazy stupid amounts of courage and I totally get why people say fuck it. And run. Stepping up, owning your shit, asking the hard questions, doing the hard but often right things, inviting situations in that could potentially be painful for you, seeking resolution, needing healing within, and being accountable for your emotional imbalances is tough.
And a lot of us don’t do what we know we should do, out of Fear.
Fear of being laughed at, mocked, bullied, rejected, misunderstood or simply not being heard. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of being a coward. Fear of rejection. Fear of loving. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being hurt. Fear of loneliness. Fear of intimacy. Fear of going crazy. Fear of isolation. Fear of getting old. Fear of dying. Fear of living. Fear of being late for work. Fear of speaking up for yourself. Fear of displeasing a parent. Fear of displeasing a partner. Fear of not living up to other peoples expectations. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of…hell you name it, and I’m sure there are many out there who fear it. And don’t even get me started on phobias, social anxiety, identity theft, corrupt government officials, terrorist attacks, random mass shootings, or racial, sexual and hate crimes.
There are so many fears we deal with every single minute of every single day that if you think about it too much, you’ll be afraid to leave the house. Seriously. And it’s a mother fucker because Fear makes you vulnerable. And nobody wants to be vulnerable, right? Where do you think Anger comes from? It’s the mirror of Fear. Google it! 🙂
I truly believe that letting go of Fear is one of the greatest challenges we as humans will ever face.
There is great power in vulnerability. It takes courage to be naked and expose your truth. Even here on my blog, some of the things I have written about, and continue to write about, leave me vulnerable and open to criticism, ridicule, and negativity, and often times I wish that my writings were not read by people who actually know me. But still, I write here because I have to. It’s my space. For me. To grow. And to learn.
I’ve decided, for reasons too numerous to share in this post, to take a deep look at who I am and why I do the things that I do. I have always been kinda crazy curious about my why. I’m in search of meaning and purpose. I want to know me. And a whole lot of shit is coming up. Some of it is really hard to admit to myself and truly face head-on, but I’m working on all of it. It’s a process for sure. And you know what?
I’m doing it scared.
I kinda feel like an AA member doing my 12 Step Program for reconciliation: the restoration of friendly relations with myself. Yup. This is all for me. I seek my own forgiveness and unconditional love of self. And I gotta tell ya, something is working because even though it hurts and confuses and sends me down the rabbit hole at times and is more than a little terrifying looking so deep in the mirror, I am also filled with more peace and love and a truer sense of understanding things than at any other time in my life.
But mostly, I feel LOVE.
So, in many ways, this is all for you as well cuz love touches everyone. 😉
Feels kind of amazing to own my personal truth. Warts and all lol.
First thing I need to reconcile? People-Pleasing. Ugh.
Hello. My name is Trish, and I am a People-Pleaser. Here is my rant.
For years I have been easily manipulated and controlled by what the people I care about think of me. Sometimes even by people I don’t care about. I’m a pissed off and annoyed people-pleaser most of the time because I fucking hate it lol! But, I am a people-pleaser just the same. And I have come to understand that People-Pleasing is a dis-ease. One I was infected with shortly after my birth.
Growing up without any sense of family, looking for love in foster homes, abused by the system, well…I learned early to adapt to people-pleasing as it often meant my very survival. You might think, yeah that was then, this is now, surely you’ve recovered from all that childhood trauma? And if you do think that, shame on you. There is no statute of limitations on recovery from any kind of trauma. We all heal in our own way in our own time. And sadly, some of us never do cuz the shit is just too real. I hope not to be the latter.
Every one of us has been a people-pleaser at some point in our lives, especially when we’re kids. There’s nothing inherently wrong with people pleasing. It’s good to want to please and satisfy others, but not at the expense of your self worth and dignity. We learn pretty early that making people happy works in our favor and to be fair, sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. We all can’t have our own way. But you need to know when to stop. You have to be aware of why you are people-pleasing. Is it coming from a place of love or manipulation? From a place of abundance or lack?
There are healthy and unhealthy people-pleasing behaviors and it’s the unhealthy ones that are problematic and potentially very harmful to oneself. Too much people-pleasing and you can easily lose your sense of self. You need to have boundaries. Don’t be a pushover and don’t be afraid to say no. You have a personality, a voice, valid emotions, and opinions. And you have a right to express all of them! Emotions are energy in motion, and energy seeks to flow and express itself. Expression heals. Suppression intensifies suffering. Say what you need to say. Be loving. Be kind. Be compassionate. But don’t be a doormat.
You are worth so much more than that!
I lived so much of my early life constantly avoiding anything that might have made me seem like a bad, confrontational or unlikeable child. Sometimes it was for survival, and sometimes it was just to be liked. I wanted a home. A family. I wanted to be loved. I spent a lot of time wearing different faces, always trying to find the most pleasing one to show the world. The one most approved of. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disapproved of is a fate worse than death. Wow. Kinda having a moment here. 😦
Some people were easy to please; my toothy smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than I can tell you. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me badly. And the more this happened, the more I disliked myself.
After all, there must have been something wrong with me, right?
A lifetime of conceding, bending to the point of breaking, being silenced when I wanted desperately to speak, and believing myself to be less than worthy of a voice, has left me with more scars and wounds then I can begin to say. Is it any wonder I have never truly learned to love myself? To know that I am good and loveable and worthy? That I matter? My desire to please others, to make them happy at the cost of my own, has left me feeling disrespected, violated, war-weary and exhausted. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone, but mostly from myself. Hence all this wonderful but terrifying self-reflection and honesty.
I am only just beginning now to truly understand that emotional independence is about learning that I am the only source of my own happiness. That I don’t need to be a people-pleaser to be happy or to be loved.
And I am doing it scared!
I AM ALSO: Worthy. Exceptional. Beautiful. Sexy. Smart. Loveable. Kind. Loving. Talented. Spiritual. Giving. Generous. Quirky. Original. Confident. Amazing. Delicious. Fun. Enthusiastic. Happy. Positive. Mindful. Compassionate. Soulful. Good. Home. ❤
AND I AM ENOUGH!
Fear has kept my true and loving nature in hiding. Small and afraid and quiet. But I want so badly to emerge whole and free and complete. Large and brave and loud!
I want to live the best life I possibly can. This time. Now. While I am here.
To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.
And I want to be wise.