It’s a heart wrenching thing when someone whose world used to revolve around you, and yours around them, suddenly has no time for you.
The I can’t talk now‘s. The I’m just really busy right now‘s. The I’m too tired right now‘s. The I’m with my girlfriend right now‘s are clear tells that you’ve lost your precious place in their heart.
Not as a lover, or partner, but just as someone who has value. Someone still worthy of attention. And love.
So I ask: When?
When can you talk?
When will you not be too busy?
When will you not be too tired?
When will she not be around?
When is a better time then right now?
But what I’m really asking is: Why aren’t you making time for me anymore?
And then I ask myself the bigger question.
Why does it really matter?
Yeah. That always gives me pause.
And makes me toughen my tough, harden my hard, and find my Fuck YOU!
Ya right. Who am I kidding? I haven’t learned to do any of that shit with my heart.
And this just plain hurts.
I get that things change. Relationships change. People change. I get that what used to hold space and priority in your life also changes. And even though I’m not a fan of change that forces me to lose people I love, I can put my big girl pants on and accept that this is the stuff of life. That two lives once intertwined so deeply can become so disconnected it’s hard to believe love ever lived there.
I just didn’t think it would ever happen to us.
I get that we all have our own journeys to take; paths distinctly different from one another, and yet often so similar. I get that most people come into our lives to teach us lessons. Some are beautiful, some are painful and some even seem without rhyme or reason.
I get that some people come into our lives and make such an impact that we are never the same after they leave. And some people, sadly, only come for a season and are taken away far too soon.
I get that as spiritual beings we are here to grow and evolve. To learn, to change, to heal, to overcome, and to find balance. I really am beginning to grasp and understand so much of the big picture. But the devil is definitely in the details. And it’s the details that get me every time.
Why do we have to suffer so much? Are we meant to find love, then lose love over and over again? Are meant to forget and forgo our emotional attachments? If so, then why ever love in the first place? That’s the part that’s beginning to feel pointless and make absolutely no sense to me.
I fucking get it, okay! Yes, I’m screaming at you Universe!
What I really struggle with is feeling like I might be a nuisance. An irritation. An inconvenience. Like I am forcing you to have a relationship with me that you no longer want. But out of a misguided feeling of obligation, or guilt, or – god forbid – pity, you choose to remain connected. Barely. Not engaged or even present really.
You loved me once with deep passion and attention. And now you don’t. I understand that. And that’s not what I’m asking for. I’m asking you to keep your promise. To be here. To be present. To be a friend. I’m doing my part and I trusted you would do yours. But, maybe, you don’t want to hurt me any more then you already have. So instead, you remain a ghostly presence, on the fringe of my existence. Disconnected.
But honestly, these not so subtle attempts at what feels like reluctant tolerance, hurt me so much more. They leave me hanging in a painful kind of limbo where a wish is born from the seed of false hope; that maybe, just maybe, we won’t lose each other entirely.
But worst of all? With every I don’t have time right now, every I can’t talk now, every I’m just really busy right now, every I’m too tired right now, and every I’m with my girlfriend right now I just feel more brutally, foolishly, unspeakably pathetic.
I don’t have my big girl pants on right now. They are pooling around my ankles. And my nose is running and my shoes are untied. In this moment I feel 4 years old again. Abandoned. Alone. Hurt. Begging for scraps of attention. Begging for a little affection. Begging to be noticed. Begging to be recognized. Remembered. Validated. And loved. But soon, as I have done so many times in the past, I will pull my big girl pants back up, wipe my nose and tie my own damn shoes.
And my tender heart will naturally push itself away from the thing that causes it pain.
Eventually it will stop coming back.
And I won’t feel any of this anymore.
And then I will be you.
And maybe. Just maybe. You will be me.
Life is funny like that.
If I am no longer someone you want in your life; if I have become a nuisance, an irritation or an inconvenience, or you are just empty of feeling for me, then please tell me. The severing will be excruciatingly painful and beyond what I can even begin to express.
But so is this.