WTF #2

So I got the job. My job.

The job I had to apply for three times and interview for twice, even though I have been working it for one and a half years.

I should be excited, happy, or at least mildly elated.

But I’m not.

I’m grateful to the universe for the course correction. But getting the phone call was anticlimactic. I wanted to be excited and happy, or at least mildly elated, but all I felt was it’s about fucking time, and a slow relief wearing a reluctant smile.

My co-workers, who had waited anxiously for news, hugged and cheered. To and for them, I am especially grateful. We have banded together; created a work family. Unconsciously, but lovingly just the same. Tears, triumphs, and tantrums have connected us. Fighting “the man” has united us. But even as I smiled and thanked them and confirmed their celebratory rounds of “You must be soooo happy!”… I was not.

The journey to get here has been fraught with too many emotional lows, the fiery hoops testing my resolve to depletion. My confidence has been undermined, my worthiness questioned, and my sense of power all but stripped from me. My skin is thin and raw.

It’s just a job, I kept reminding myself. It’s not a reflection of who you are, it’s just what you do. But at the end of the day, it’s hard to separate the two when, as is the case with me, so much more time is spent there than anywhere else. A thing not gone unnoticed at home. The divide is considerable, and at times inconsolable.

I deserved this position. I worked harder than I ever should have had to for it. And now that I have it, the emotions I hold are curious. Sure it’s a bit more money, I’ll have benefits and some sense of security. And for that I truly am grateful.

But…

So now I have to stay in Barrie?

I got the job.

So now I have to live in a place that makes me unhappy?

I got the job.

So now I am committed to a thing I am not sure I want to be committed to?

I got the job.

I took a mental health day – before my two days off – so I could have some time to try and rouse that happy, and feel good about this accomplishment and all it entails.

But happy never showed up.

Drained. Exhausted. Burned Out. Anxious. Worried. Weary.

They made an appearance. Encore enforced.

But happy? Not so much.

But, yay me.

I got the job.

 

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6 thoughts on “WTF #2

  1. Hey there! Just catching up. Congrats on the job, I think lol. I hear you on this subject. I really do. So many workplaces these days are toxic and not employee friendly which is a shame because in my experience a lot of good people have left bad organizations and it is those people who are so desperately needed to do the work and create positive change. I feel like you are one of those people T so I hope you don’t give up. Take it one day at a time. Sending kindness and love your way. ❤

    1. Aww thank you Denny! I appreciate the vote 😉 I love the work I do, but yup it’s the oppressive culture that is purposely cultivated that is hard to take. I have never been a fan of fear mongering to keep people down and “in their place”. But thank you. I will keep up the good fight in anyway that I can. 🤗❤

  2. Congrats! No matter how they run the show, I would venture to say that your clients are better just for having someone like you in their lives! Take that and run with it hahaha. Take care ❤

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