Struggling a bit today. Well, a lot actually. Three things are triggering me right now.
And a ghost from a dark past.
I have a millennial. Nuff said lol. Kidding! She just turned 29 and up until about 3 years ago we were tight. Like mother daughter weekly movie night tight. She talked to me about her life, she listened to (but didn’t always take) my advice. But at least she listened.
Then one day she changed.
Clearly it was due to a series of events in her life, and didn’t just happen overnight, but she has changed so much that I barely recognize her. Physically she’s gone from a size 7 to 0 and is in love with her body. Maybe a little too much. 😏 But she’s proud of the hard work she’s put into it and I can totally respect that. She has committed fully to her yoga practice and with the help of meditation and ganja, has all but healed herself of fibromyalgia and chronic neck pain.
But she suffers from depression. Been there. Done that. Am there. Do that. So some days I am terrified for her mental health. And well-being. And some of the choices she makes.
Tomorrow morning she begins a journey to Peru.
Halfway around the world.
One of a mothers worst nightmares.
But hey. I let go of my fear and am embracing her need for this journey. Like everything else daughter related, I have no choice.
She’s made friends with a Shaman and his wife over the past year, who own and operate a spiritual retreat in Cuzco, and has been invited to stay, for free, for two weeks. While there, she’ll be taking mind altering substances like ayahuasca and other things I didn’t commit to memory cuz I’m a little bit uncomfortable with it all. Just a tad. I know these natural drugs have been around forever and used in ceremonial cleanses and spirit walks forever. But I am a Mom. And I worry. And she will be halfway around the world. Tripping!
And among the hallucinagens, she will be licking a frog. 😳
All of this with the hope of finding herself and being freed from her depression. Which over the past two years has gotten pretty dark.
I try to help but she’s determined that she knows best and will not listen to well intended and wise advice from those who came before her. Namely me. Her Dad. And pretty much anyone who doesn’t sync with her vibration. Which to be fair, are not many. She has a challenging personality and so far her unwillingness to listen has not served her well and has left her isolated, rejected, and alone.
Hence her depression.
But how do you make someone understand that the very thing they claim not to need any help with is the very thing that is causing their pain?
I am at a loss on how to even talk to her these days, let alone give her any advice. Everything I say is wrong. And I am the focus of all her anger right now.
I am feeling very much a failure as a mother of late. Of course, well meaning friends tell me it’s natural for mothers and daughters to butt heads, but we never really went through that phase. We have always been close. We still are I suppose. Underneath the haze of marijuana, brutal narcissism, ego swell and blaming anger, I think she still loves her mujjah. Though some days it’s harder to feel the love than on others.
Anyhow, in less then 24 hours she will be on her way to what I pray will be a life changing and positive experience for her, and that she will come back centered, grounded, focused and with a wee bit more compassion and tolerance of others. I don’t like her very much right now, but I love her to death. And I want her safe. And happy. And loved. I want so much for her.
I’m a Mom.
It’s a thing.
Treading lightly on this one.
But sufficed to say, all is not well. The weekend was full of stressors – one of which was my kid. And yesterday we stopped talking. It’s happened before. Many times. And usually we get past it with humor, playfulness and forgiveness. But this time feels different somehow. And I think it’s me.
Something in me is changing.
I’m growing in ways I’ve been longing to do, and it feels wonderful. Reiki. Meditation. Writing. Starting a new business venture. Embracing my artist and creating art again. And it’s about time! But I’m still locked in a cycle of fear that keeps me stuck in old patterns I’m trying so hard to break. Three steps forward, one step back. It’s maddening.
I’m still a work in progress.
Probably alway will be.
I’ve questioned my coming out more times than I care to admit since doing so. I was not prepared for the emotional rollercoaster. I was not prepared to fall in love at 47 and have my heart broken by the very woman I came out for. I was not prepared for a woman who would love me more then she loves herself and not be able to give her what she wants.
I was not prepared for complicated.
Loving a woman can be so…perfect. And so…painful. I guess that covers relationships in general, but same sex relationships are definitely full of different challenges. And can get really messy at times. I think the jury is hung on this one. Coming out has not been the journey I had hoped it would be. And some days the closet is looking pretty fucking good.
So, I guess we will see.
Yeah. Even as I typed that, I felt panic and anxiety. Not sure I’m ready to talk about that yet…
Maybe next post.
Be well. Be happy.
It’s such a short ride. ❤