Walt Whitman once wrote, “I contain multitudes.”
One of his most poignant verses reminds us that we are never just one thing, and all the quirks, imperfections, and contradictions are par for the course. Never have I found anything to be more true.
These past 10 days have been full. Fuller than any other 10 in nearly as many years. I have been stung by old words, hurt by forgotten pain, challenged by new beliefs and blessed by the coming together of a Heavenly Ask.
One day, 10 days ago, I got down on my knees and cried. A deep, wrenching, private cry full of despair and anguish and hopelessness. I’ve cried this cry before. But this time it was different. My heart had finally hit the threshold of weight it could carry and it was more than I believed it could bare. Suicide was more than a thought. I can not lie. It loomed. Large but silent. And I wondered if maybe it was truly time to just end things.
My. Life. Had. Finally. Become. Just. Too. Much.
But, as has happened before, once again, the tiny voice of my broken child stamped her foot loudly and yelled, “No Trish! We can do this! We deserve so much more. And we haven’t done what we were put here to do yet. We have a purpose! And we still have a fucking best seller to write. Damn it!” She gets pissy when I go dark.
So, as I have done before, I listened to her.
But something inside felt badly broken. And solemnly irreparable.
I’d truly lost all hope. I was tired. Worn. Ragged. Bruised. And feeling beaten.
It took a lot to let her in.
I’m not really the praying kind. Though that might change now. I have a very confused relationship with God. But I have always believed that something is looking out for she and I. And always has been. Or we would never have survived this Life.
So…on bended knees I clasped my hands.
And I spoke to God Universe.
Really spoke.
Pleading from a place so deep and so raw and so achingly real, that I know it was my souls voice in askance, and not that of this mere mortal shell. I do believe we are the two things at once. Maybe even three. What the fuck do I know? But I closed my eyes. Wept. And spoke from that place only the truly desperate understand.
I asked God Universe, “Please show me my path because I am so lost and so confused and so unable to see any light. It’s dark. And cold. And I feel alone. I am drifting to a place I fear I may never return from. My heart is heavy. My mind is clouded by things I can’t let go of. And my soul and I have disconnected. So, I’m letting go of all of it and trusting that you will guide me to wherever it is I need to be and to whatever it is I need to do.”
Three days later my life changed.
Like BIG BANG! changed.
I watched. I listened. I paid attention. And I did not ignore the signs. Any of them. I did the work and moved out of fear. And miraculously, I started to feel my power rise to the surface. It was…
Nope. No words yet for this feeling.
But I trusted. In the Divine.
And felt myself truly acknowledging belief in Me.
And that was an unfucking-believable moment. It was…
Nope. No words for that one either.
But for the first time ever, everything felt almost…easy.
Something had definitely cleared the path.
Like a cool, clean ocean breeze. Blowing through my mind with gentleness and forgiveness and love.
And over the past 10 days Life has been constantly changing and rushing at me with un-imagined abundance.
I am still in awe.
But I trust in Life again. And it is beautiful.
And I am grateful.
Coincidence? Perhaps.
But I don’t think so.
Shakespeare suggests, through his character Hamlet, that human knowledge is limited. I’d have to agree. And every moment that I spend in gratitude, I know the words he wrote are a pure, profound yet simple truth. I loved them when I first read them, and I love them still. Because they are so so true!
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
God Universe truly does work in mysterious and amazingly unexpected ways.
Ya…
What a difference a day makes.
24 little hours.
And a soul-spoken prayer.
In gratitude,
Sometimes, those moments of desperation, pulls us from within to bring out what is needed.
Like you, I have a…challenged relationship with a God…but there are times, I find myself praying to him or her.
She’s a she lol. 😉 And you’re right. And I hear you loud and clear. ❤
I don’t know if you remember me, but we were connected on my other blogs – Tarnished Soul, Assentively Yours or Acquiescently Yours…
Lol I thought that might be you and yes I do remember you! So nice to have that confirmed. I hope you are well! 😉
Just living one day at a time my friend. 🙂
Aren’t we all lol. But it’s so nice to hear from you again. I remember you’re struggle well…and one day at a time is the best and only way to live. Keeps you present and aware of what’s really important to you. Love and light sweetie. Drop in anytime! I don’t write as often as I’d like, but I’m hoping to change that soon! 😉🤗🙏🏽❤️🌼
❤
Reblogged this on Destiny Called and commented:
Wow food for thought
Thanks for the reblog you! ❤
It’s amazing how cathartic it can be to have those break down moments and crack ourselves open like you did when we’re so lost in the dark. I remember a similar moment in my own life not that long ago. I didn’t know who I was or why I was here and felt completely alone and lost. I think that these are important moments that break us open to receive the light and start seeing again. I’m glad you’re feeling more hopeful and optimistic. You’re a beautiful soul Trish and deserve so much love and joy in your life. Love and Light my Dear. ❤
Thank you Shawn. Truly 😉 ❤
This is so beautifully inspirational.
Thanks Crystal! Life is so random sometimes lol. Nice to hear from you!