That gray cloud of disconsolate has turned an ominous black. I’m not managing it. I’m not handling it. I’m not beating it. It has me wrapped inside its womb of bleakness in a way I’m not sure I will birth myself from this time…

I’m not even sure I want to.

I am struggling.

To be. Here.

I no longer lament over broken dreams and a shattered heart. Nor over the spilled milk of my childhood. Nor over the abuse. The shame. The cowardice. The pain. Of this life.

What’s the point of it?

I don’t walk in the graveyards of the past.

I don’t miss him.

Or her…

They don’t miss me.

I miss something I’ve never had. Someone I’ve never had. And each day grows darker with the never having known it.

This isn’t a mood. Swing.

Or depression.

Or psychosis.

Or sadness.

I am way beyond that.

This is despair.

True and desolate.

Mind numbing hopelessness.

I write of it here for fear that I may never write here again.

I have given up.

This life is just too hard.

And I’m really not that strong.

I thought I was.

Everyone thought I was.

But they were wrong.

And so was I.

Life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Not any of it.


18 responses to “Struggling

  1. It breaks my heart to hear you like this. There’s no easy way to fight through such a struggle, not on your own. Where does the strength come from? I don’t know. How do you overcome it? I don’t know. I try not to look at tomorrow too closely because I don’t know where I’ll be at any given time. I’ve been beaten down so many times in the past, and a lot of it was self-inflicted. I struggle daily to even like myself. The word ‘stupid’ is writ large in my self-image, but I fight it. I was taught to feel stupid at a young age and it’s damaged me. But every day I work on it, test my good qualities against how I feel. Kindness and empathy compared to awkward and uncertain. Stubbornness against wanting to fold up somewhere. It’s a real struggle. But I fight it because I know I’m worth it. Worth it to someone, worth it to myself. I don’t want to let it tear me down because the damage came from outside of me. I’m not responsible for the original wounds… I fed them because that’s what I was taught. And I’m tired of tearing myself down. It’s exhausting. Every day on its own terms. Not tomorrow, it ain’t here yet and I’ll take it when it comes. Some days it’s fucking hard, but not every day. Some days I rule that piece of me that says I AM good enough, I AM worth it, and I hold onto that for as long as I can. So grab hold of that voice, no matter how dim it might be, and clutch it tight. Because it’s fucking true!

  2. “I miss something I’ve never had. Someone I’ve never had.”

    God how I know that feeling. Maybe there’s someone right now missing you too that you haven’t met yet?

    Feel free to email me if you want to talk.

    • Right now I’d settle for that someone being me…ya know? I didn’t intend that in the writing yesterday, but in the reread it kinda makes sense today. I’ve filed away your email for a day when the clouds consume, or the sun is out. Or maybe both? Either way, thank you for that personal gift, Don. So appreciated ☺

      • Well, the gurus and experts all tell us we have to love ourselves first before anyone else will and that no one will ever care about us if we don’t care about ourselves. It’s time to take care of #1 and romance the woman in the mirror for a while. We’re on similar paths my friend. I’m here if you need to chat or just vent. Much love to you. ❤ And a big ((((HUG)))))

  3. Your words emote despair. How deep is it? Deep enough is all I can say. I will share that being at that place …and leaving it be… looking where I was instead of struggling to understand and find reasons, unexpectedly became a plateau…not the bottom. I only say this to give you a vine to grasp and hopefully slow your drop.

    • I do that often. It’s my thing. And I agree wholeheartedly. It’s in the inbetween moments when I need to help myself that is my struggle. Helping others comes natural and easy to me…helping myself does not. Make sense? But thank you. I know you meant well.

  4. this life is absolutely shit. it is a stupid mess of deception and unspeakable evils and loneliness. i can’t argue that. it is suffering. (and i know you know there has to be a ‘but’ coming here…)
    you know – even if you don’t know in this moment, you know deep down, beyond the pain of this moment, in that part of you that knows the way that only truly introspective folks like you do – that the suffering is only as tangible as is its counterpart…that life is sometimes absolute shit, not in spite of the fact, but BECAUSE it is also sometimes stupidly wonderful and blissful and joyful.
    your loved ones will hurt you, but sometimes they’ll save you…politicians will lie, cheat and steal, but activists will rise up and struggle until the tables turn in favour of a better world…the climate is changing for the worse, but pacha mama is strong and fights back, and there are little gifts to be had with every rising sun and moon…there is war but there is also a definition of human rights that has evolved on an unimaginable scale from only 50 years back – shit, 10 years back!
    like boxers in the ring, we gotta bob and weave, baby…we’re gonna get hit and sometimes we’ll hit back, but this is it – this is the life we get…it’s an extraordinary, ordinary journey filled with pleasure and pain, doubt and faith, hope and despair.
    close your eyes, start counting all the obstacles you’ve overcome, all the battles you courageously faced, all the times you’ve plunged deep within the scary recesses of the self to actively be the better person most people only ever talk about…
    and remember – as cliche as it is, it’s only the goddess’ honest truth: this, too shall pass, however that manifests.
    * and don’t forget, while you’re looking for that missing piece, to love the ones you’re with 😉
    much love, t…you’re in my thoughts.

  5. I am so sorry.
    Sometimes the concrete cloud of despair weighs so very heavy.
    I am very, very glad to hear that you are a tiny bit better. The interminable battle is so very tiring.

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