Wasted

I don’t understand why any God
Would create such beauty in me
The great capacity to love so deeply
With a passion near frightening
In all its beautiful intensity
Why put the song in my heart
Such joy in the giving
If only to have me know such suffering
I don’t understand the reasoning
I never will
It’s cruel
Even in death I will question
Why I loved her so deeply
If it was simply to be used and discarded
To be wasted
While she walks through life unaffected
Uncaring of how deeply she hurts
Or who she abuses with her give and take and demands
Or whose heart she tramples on to serve her needs…
In this moment
This pure, sober, doing my laundry cuz I can’t sleep moment
It is finally sinking in that it’s over
Really, truly, undeniably over
It hurts to type it, to say it, to feel it, to know
That she doesn’t want me anymore
That all the love I had for her
All the times I had compassion and patience
And forgave her for being the insensitive prick she can be
That all the times I pushed myself way past the point of comfort
And gave up so much of myself to be with her
To make her happy…
Was all for nothing
She gave up on me a long time ago
When the game wasn’t being played by her rules
When it got too hard,when she had to give too much of herself for another
When my life got hard, when it wasn’t easy, when I was at my lowest
When it wasn’t fun to play with Trish anymore because it required some effort
When she was needed for love, for support, for nurturing
She gave up, folded inward and got lost in her fantasy
But she just never bothered to say the words
Never bothered to say good-bye
Or maybe she did, but in my pain and fear
And denial and disbelief and wanting her so desperately to love me
Accept me and trust that I meant her no harm
I was deaf to the sound of her rejection
I am almost embarrassed now that I still love her so much
And that I believed it was truly returned
Ashamed that I have laid my soul open in desperation
Bare for her to see my weakness for her over and over again
For her to feel sorry for me, to feel pity for me
To see me in the depth of my pain and still let her reject me
I cringe that I am still such a gullible, naive and hopeless romantic idiot
I believed all her pretty promises and lies
I believed her tears and reasons for damage, made excuses for the wrong in her being
I believed her when she said that leaving wasn’t an option
I believed her when she said she would catch me if I fell
I believed her when she said there was no one else for her
That she couldn’t see her life without me in it
Believed in her with nothing more then the sweet promise of her kiss
How can anyone be so foolish? So stupid? So blind?
Is this what love does to a person?
But still…
I have to believe that she did love me once, whatever that means to her
That when she touched me and moved me
Stirring feelings so profound, so deep in my soul
That I wasn’t wrong
That I wasn’t all wrong
That my heart didn’t deceive me
I have to believe that it was just a case of silk and sandpaper
And that I am not all the horrible things she accuses me of
That I am still the warm, loving, gentle, giving person other people see
That she used to see…because that IS me
I have to believe that this is just a case of me loving the wrong woman
Because to believe otherwise would destroy me
And I would never, could never trust another woman again
And I need to be able to do that now
I need to be able to trust and allow myself to love again
It’s who I am and it’s what I was made for…
So as I fold my clothes
Sweet smelling and clean from the washing
And put them away neat and tidy in their drawers
I will put away these feelings that are now just wasted
On someone who doesn’t want me anymore
And that in itself is such a gut wrenching, painful realization
And it slices me to my core to know that its true
Fitting I suppose, that I was the last to say “I love you”
That I held on to her for so long, will always hold on to some foolish hope
That maybe…one day…
But as it turns out, I was the one who was wasted
On nothing more then desire and control gone wrong
I never thought I would be here
That I would truly ever feel such sureness
That this moment has finally come
That my love is no longer wanted or needed
By the one person who I would have bet my life
Would never ever have made me feel this way
And now I must learn and accept
That all this love, all this passion, all the good that I am
Was wasted on her
And that this is what it feels like
To have my heart
Completely broken
And find strength in the knowledge
That people survive and recover from the pain of heartbreak
Every
Single
Day
Honestly, God
What was the point?
What a waste of such a precious gift
What a waste of me
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