Take your time, you said
Figure it out, you said
All I have to do is look into your eyes
And I see the truth, you said
I love you, you said
There will be peace for both of us when you are sure
And the insanity…will stop, you said
Remember the poem below? you said
The answer is yes, you said
I had written…
If I move out of the quiet
Will you be there
To hear my voice
And if I move
Will you be there
To catch me
When I fall?
And you didn’t catch me
And I am still falling
And falling still
It’s a painful bittersweet day of reflection. Reading through sweet poetry I inspired you to write and remembering a time when our love flowed and ebbed with the strongest of passions and the quietest of breaths. Some of it makes me smile and some of it makes me cry. Some of it makes me see, sadly, how long we’ve been saying goodbye. So much love, so much angst, so much hope and despair at once. As I finish one page and begin another, I feel you around me and a need so strong overcomes my sensibilities. I want to reach in and grab the you from my memory, and shake you and scream at you to not let me go, to not let us go, to not let our “thing” disappear! I want to plead with you to remember me and see that I am the one for you, that you are the one for me…and watch as time stops for us so that we can do no damage to ruin our future.
And then I turn the page and read more lines of the poetry that only serves to torture me now, as it was written for me at a time when I was wanted so ravenously, so completely…and I know I should stop, but I am drawn helplessly to the only connection I have to you now and my heart breaks for the lost love of two souls destined to find each other but, always in turmoil and never at peace and I wonder if that is our reincarnate? Are we destined to be those star crossed lovers whose passion burns forevermore, incomplete and separate? Beautifully romantic, if you’re a lover of Shakespeare, falling for the emotions of characters written on the page, but tragically brutal if you are unfortunate enough to be made of flesh and blood…
It doesn’t matter if you read my words, or come here anymore. These musings are mine and for me now and it helps my sanity to write my feelings out. I know you have moved on from me, and that somehow I have become one of those awful, poisonous people you are distancing yourself from and it kills me to know that’s all I am to you now. Especially while reading these poems. But as painful as it is to accept, I am trying to come to terms with it but, it’s so fucking hard. I know there will be many more days like this to come. And I will scream, and cry, and vent, and hate you and love you all within these writings, because it is all I can do. It’s all I have left. But, in truth, as sad and pathetic as it sounds, it does make me feel better somehow when I come here to write. I feel you in my keystrokes. The connection for me is still very strong. I choose to believe that somehow you know that my heart aches for you and even though I know we are no more, that somehow you know how difficult it is for me to stay away from you.
And then I turn the page and catch my breath as I read more…
Taste her lips and pull gently…
Removing one strap at a time and consume the skin
Nipples so sensitive as you suck and lick one at a time…
Her energy surges through your hands, your tongue, your fingertips
I breathe in her breath
Closing my eyes…I can see
My hands all over her body, moving my body on top of hers, touching her skin
She is helpless, she has to move her legs, bend her knees…let me come inside…
My heart, my soul, moves with limbs entwined…tongue licking with long firm strokes.
Grab my hair…pull me to you…your eyes push me forward
Into the deepest of desires
March 28/10 – 11:34 pm
…and I realize again with fresh hurt and longing, how much I loved and miss being loved by you. I should turn the page before I start to cry anew. It’s pointless, I know, but I’m just missing you today.