Old Friend

I’m trying to understand how I’m feeling
Right now, in this moment
Trying to reach deep inside so I can come to terms
With this dull blanket of suffocating grief
That has wrapped itself around my heart
Slowing its natural rhythm
Numbing its feeling
With a warm deceptive layer of black velvet calm
Something has died; I’m not sure what
But I grieve for it every waking minute
And breathe in that pain
At the beginning
Of every day

I am walking wounded
I am living dead
I am loving where hope is fading
Love lost in bitter memories, hurt and confusion
I am defeated
I am broken, inside and out
I used to be a dreamer
But that is dying a painfully slow death
It’s not practical, or so I’ve been told
There is no place for dreamers in this life

When the walls of the bubble began to shake
I felt the terrifying trembling of my world in collapse
I fortified, I strengthened
Tried to plaster all the cracks
I screamed, I bargained, I begged, I cried
Anything to stop the pressure, to ease the pain
And the ruination of all the beauty I saw
The implosion of all my heart ached for
I held on for all that my dreams were worth
Tenacious, unafraid, possessed and consumed
Unashamed of my love, of my hope
The hope of a dreamer
Living in a constant state of wanting and need
Desirous of that happy ending
Found every excuse for the madness
Agreed with rationale I didn’t believe
Took the blame when it was wrong for me to do so
Just to stop the slide out of love and into regret
Into the nothingness I know waits
On the other side of heartbreak
But I failed, for I am here
On the other side
And it’s lonely
I’m dying here in the vast land of Nowhere
The ground beneath is cold, hard and unyielding
No longer soft and pliable and forgiving of where I tread
What used to be green and lush, full of life and growth
Is now dead and barren, withered from hostility
The softest touch of the gentlest breeze
Has turned sharp and stings me bitterly
The familiar sweet song that was carried on the wind
Is now angry, accusing and turbulent
Love is hushed in the eye of the storm
The waters once so gentle, serene and inviting
Have turned into raging thunderous breakers
Smashing my hapless body against jagged rocks
That pierce my heart, draw my blood, break my bones
Bruising and killing me slowly
And the shadows
The deep, dark and vengeful shadows
That once shied away from my brilliant light
Are back and willfully blotting out the sun
Laughing cruelly at my stupidity
My audacity, my boldness
My arrogance in believing
I could possibly succeed
Anywhere else, but here
Strengthened by a knowledge
I never possessed
They taunt me with their ridicule
And defile my dreams of life
Victorious and vindictive
They dance joyfully in the spillage
Of my very essence

I’m trying hard to escape these feelings
But there are moments, like now
When they feel too heavy
Thick rusted chains around my neck
Too hard to lift my head and stand tall
Dragged down by the weight of their hold on me
It’s so much more then I can bear
In this moment I am not living
But struggling in a personal hell
Cast aside
Only needed for sex
Spiritually beaten
And quietly, sadly changing
So deep within that I am afraid
I will simply disappear
In this dull blanket
Of suffocating grief
That has wrapped itself around my heart
And stolen all my dreams

Published by: t.dot

A late-bloomer who definitely came out crooked, dove in, got a little broken, patched herself up again and...voila! Upright ;) Sort of lol.

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