Finding Clarity

I am coming close
To the fork in the road
To clarity and direction
To being free
From the chains of
I am a dreaming
Free spirit
With wings to fly and explore
My feet are planted firmly on the ground
And it’s time to make a stand
For me

To remember why I came out
What I wanted
Why I disrupted not only my life
But the lives of the people closest to me as well
The ones who I have hurt, and who have forgiven in love
Because they know me, understand me and accept me
In all my fumbling and stumbling and errors
As I accept them in theirs
That is what love is all about, isn’t it?

Time to reflect on the cost
The gain
The loss
The pain
I am more then you ever dreamed
Maybe more then you were prepared for
I have loved you honestly
I have wanted you ferociously
I have needed you so deeply, it hurt
I have been hurt by you so deeply, I’ve bled
I have been all that I can be for you
Warping my sense of self to make you happier
Because I saw you
Liked you
Understood you
And I had hoped that you would do the same
And love me as I am

I am not a loser or a coward
Though I do have fears, real and imagined
And I have not reached my full potential…yet
But it has taken courage to live this life
And I do it every day
Even when I just want to curl up and die
I hang on to my courage
And determination to rise above
To survive the brutality
Of the physical, the mental
The abuse, no matter the form
Incest, savagery, blood and broken bones
And still I am quick to smile
I can laugh and I can love
Not all of me is wrong
Much of me is absolutely right
My character is not so flawed
That I am in need of penance for my very definition

I am me, just me, always me
In all my imperfection
Imperfection that at times shines bright
Full of hope and longing and silly dreams
At times dark, despairing and afraid
But still me
The me you fell in love with
The me you say you need
The me you say you want
The me you have tried to change to fit
Into your ideal of the perfect partner… or whatever
You are not my ideal of the perfect partner
Far from it
And yet I love you
Have grown accustomed
To your imperfections
And at times smile with my soul
At their familiarity

I needed to know, so I came out
To see if I belonged here
To finally have a place I called home
But, that is not what I have found
Instead, I have been whipped and chastised with
Rules, corrections, emotional blackmail
Told that I am not what I’m supposed to be
Made to feel inadequate, incompetent, inappropriate
Not good enough for the life I have chosen
Hurt and burned and scarred
Humbled and shamed and humiliated
And yet…
At times… have felt more myself then I have ever felt before

No. That irony is not lost to me
But the sacrifice has been too great
The damage deep and wounding
So many times lost and so alone in this hostile, unforgiving place
Having strayed further away from myself then ever
With you even further from me still
In your refusal to accept and your need to control me
And what was meant to be a journey of hope
Acceptance and love
Has been anything but

So now?
Now I need to make a stand
Take back what was taken
My dignity, my pride, my confidence
My self love
I have never been a willing victim
And I am not about to start now
You have never made any excuses for being you
You demand to be accepted and loved for who you are
No shame. No compromise. No argument. Period.
And you have that right
And so do I

If I don’t measure up to your standards
Your ideals, your fantasies
Don’t fulfill your needs
Then I am not the one for you
I will no longer try and fit in to please you
The effort drains, the reward so fleeting
As to be barely felt or noticed
Inspiring no lasting comfort or security
I am who I am
Up until now that has been good enough for everyone
Including you…or so I believed
I’m not sure why it’s not now

But, I can’t be consumed anymore
With the need to satisfy and fulfill you
When my own happiness has been denied for so long
I can’t live for you anymore
I need to live for me and put my needs first
I can’t seem to please you or give you what you truly need
No matter how much I try and change
And God knows I have tried
But you are never happy…enough
And I, in turn, am miserable
I will NEVER be happy being something or someone
Other then me
I have tried for three years now
And have failed miserably
My spirit is heavy with the burden of your expectations
And from the ones self-imposed
And it shows, reflected in my image everyday
This face has aged, these eyes have lost their light, this sole has withered
This heart has ached, broken and died a thousand times over
And all for what?

I too have a search for love and emotional happiness
I too have a dream of the ideal life I want
I dreamed of you once upon a time
I thought I recognized you and I, in us and our ‘thing’
My soul has always recognized you
Perhaps, from another lifetime
When you came to me
And gave me love
Understood who I was
And accepted me
Free of judgment and censure
When you listened to my heart
Let me speak and live my truth
And brought me the sweetest joy

Perhaps, in this lifetime
My truth is not meant
For your heart to hear

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