Bitterness

The thing about being left alone is that you have too much time to think
about why you’re alone, about the person who has left you alone and to feel the pain of that loneliness. It’s rarely ever a good thing to be left alone.

They say the stages of grief are:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

They left out bitterness.

I will venture to say that being left alone
Abandoned for whatever the reason
Leaves you with similar stages to go through
I’ve been cycling through anger, bargaining and depression
It’s been painful and humbling and brutally honest
And you left me alone in it
Sitting outside of me and my pain
Watching, judging, taunting, waiting
All in the name of love you say
Hoping that eventually
I will reach acceptance

While you sit outside of me
Preaching at me with your new found wisdom
And textbook knowledge about life
And relationships and how things should be
Taunting me with your peace and your happiness
I am left warring with the demons you’ve unleashed
Possessed by their rage, living in their violence
The very ones you yourself fought for so many years
The very ones that crushed your dreams
Your youth, your innocence, your love
And left you with nothing but hurt and fear
You opened my Pandora’s box and then limped away
When the battle ensued and the madness became too much
And you left me here alone with nothing
But a blood stained trail of blame and shame to guide me

You’ve forgotten what’s it’s like to be here
In the darkness, alone, misunderstood and hurting
You’ve forgotten the emotional destruction
Of the first time a dream fell apart
Of the first time your heart was truly broken
By someone you trusted implicitly
Of the sense of betrayal
Of how it rocked your foundation
Crumbling all you believed in, all you hoped for
Ruining all that was good and innocent in your heart

You’ve forgotten what it feels like
To wither and die when you lose your first love
And because of that you don’t recognize me
Or realize the fact that I live in that awareness
In that sadness, that sorrow, that hurt
Doubting my own worth to you now
Or to anyone who might come after you
And I wrestle with that
Every moment of every day
Trying to figure out how to heal myself
And remember who I was, who I am
And where I wanted to go with my dreams
Because I am damaged and broken now
In a place where once I was whole

You say you have no time for this though
For me and my struggle
That you are tired and weary of it all
Tired of me and my growing pains and my ‘drama’
Reducing my heart and it’s emotions to mere ridiculousness
You’ve grown past it and don’t live there anymore and I’m glad
But do not shame me for my experience of it
Or make a mockery of my pain while I am in it

You are so much stronger then I am
For you have been through this a thousand times
Experience and age have hardened your skin
And you’ve learned to keep yourself at a safe distance
But I have no such luxury
I still feel every slight, every meanness, every hurt as if for the first time
And in my suffering I feel you watching me
Disapproving of my confusion and ignorance
Embarrassed by my fumbling, ashamed of my behavior
Sitting in judgement and waiting
To see if I will let you down yet again, be unworthy of your love
To see if I will survive and overcome
Or get swallowed up in that black emotional nothingness

And the bitter irony here?

Is that I brought you out of that black emotional nothingness
Showed you there was light and love and hope
Made you laugh and feel and rejoice in being human again
And it has cost me everything
And now you sit, outside of me
Happy, content and at peace with your life
While you reject, punish and abandon me
Because I am not at peace with mine

But I’m learning from this painful lesson
I’m learning to recover on my own
I’m swimming up from the cold murkiness
Reaching desperately for the light within
My light, my goodness, my self love
That still shines in me
Just dimmer and smaller for now
But a bitterness for you is following me
Because you left me to fight this battle alone
Not by my side
Not holding me
Not with me
But away from me
In your place of watchful waiting
To see if I will rise up, conquer the demons
And be worthy

I grow stronger every day
I feel it inside of me
Deep in that place of my loneliness
I feel myself slipping out the cycle
And moving into acceptance and truth
That I have been left alone
Betrayed by you
My right to feel any of this
Ignored, forgotten, belittled
Seemingly unimportant
A waste of time
And not worth your patience, energy or compassion any longer
And bitterness wants to grow here
In the place of my heart and my love
But I will overcome it
For I am stronger then the sum
Of all that has hurt me
And tried to break my spirit
Even you

The thing about being left alone is that you have too much time to think
about why you’re alone, about the person who has left you alone and to feel the pain of that loneliness. It’s rarely ever a good thing to be left alone.

And you should never have left me alone.
I didn’t deserve it.

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