I have been thinking about you and our conversation, our relationship and sadly, how much things have changed between us since we met. I didn’t sleep well last night and have been lying in bed thinking about things for hours. I almost didn’t write this because I figured there was no point. You’re angry, hurt and fed up and have every right to be. I get it. I get so much of you and you used to get me too. We saw and were happy and thankful for our similarities once upon a time.
But not anymore.
And I think that’s why I feel such incredible hurt when you are unkind and angry and say things you know will hurt me. In those moments I truly feel the loss of my friend, my love, my heart. Of you. I understand where it comes from. I understand that I am to blame and I understand that I deserve your wrath, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less and it kills my belief in us a little each time to think that you feel such anger and resentment towards me, and that you think so badly of me now.
Somehow in the past three years I have changed. So much so that I barely recognize myself anymore or all this sadness now so prominent where once there used to be so much happiness… it’s eating at and destroying my soul. You are right. About everything. I have become selfish and judgmental and arrogant and hate admitting that I am wrong. (well, I’ve never liked admitting I am wrong 😉 And though I have always been a sensitive creature, I have become overly sensitive in my confusing and sometimes bewildering, newly found lesbianism. But I wasn’t always selfish or judgmental or arrogant. Far from it. This is something new that has been nurtured since I came out.
I wanted a different existence. I wanted to change my stripes. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be selfish and demanding and wanted more…but going against who I am has caused me nothing but pain…and loss. And I have failed so miserably at loving you. Something I thought would come so easy. Did come so easy. And then somehow became hard. I don’t understand how that could even happen…I would never have thought it possible.
I could blame it all on you and the negative effect our relationship has had on my psyche but I would be doing you a great disservice and demeaning the wonderful things you brought to my life as well. You fucked up, you scarred me and you handled me so badly, but you also loved me beautifully and I recognize that. There’s something about the way a person loves you, makes love to you, that connects you, touches you so deeply in a part of you that you never even knew existed – in a way you didn’t even know you needed to be touched until every pulse, every heartbeat, every sensual part of you – is connected to them like a live wire. And they get you. All of you. Mind body and soul. You have done that to me. That’s the consumption that I love, that I crave. That’s the need you see when you see need in my eyes.
I acknowledge your patience and your compassion.
And I thank you for every day you loved me.
So how can I blame you?
Instead, I will say that the sum of my coming out experiences have made me who I am right now and I don’t like her very much. I have allowed so many things to cloud my judgment and add to my confusion. This has not been an easy ride let me assure you, and in my ignorance and emotionalism I have said and done things I am not proud of and I can’t take any of it back. The damage has been done and it’s irreversible. I know that now. I am so so deeply sorry for that. You have no idea.
You are so angry with me and I never understood why until now…
I realize for the first time that I was not the only one feeling those feelings in our relationship. That as much as you have perpetuated those feelings in me, I have done the same thing to you. I didn’t fully understand that till now or accepted that it was just as wrong on my part. And I have no idea how to fix that. Or if it ever can be fixed. Sometimes the best thing to do is to admit defeat and simply walk away. God knows we have both tried that so many many times, but maybe this time we will succeed? Maybe we have hit that fork in the road and our path is no longer to be together? Maybe I have to let go of your hand and do this alone? But how do I do that? I’m still in love and trying so desperately to hold on to the last remnants of what was once such a strong connection…
How do I let that go?
How do I tell my heart to let go?
And then there is my nemesis…
This very real sense of abandonment and mistrust I feel when it comes to you now. And the mistrust isn’t about loyalty as you seemed to think. It’s about trusting you with my heart again. It has always been so hard for me to give it freely and without reservation and I actually did that with you. I don’t think you will ever understand that fully or how big of a deal that was for me. But once given, and then having my heart and that trust broken… wow. That’s a really tough one for me to overcome. And it’s not about forgiveness and moving from the past or letting go of the anger and hurt. I can and have done all that. No. It’s about recovery.
I know our perceptions are our reality and we both have our own versions of what has happened between us, what would have made it perfect, what we could have changed and how we could have been together. And we both have our own perceptions of hurts and slights and meanness done to one another by the other. I get that too…
What I don’t get is what to do now?
You tell me to leave you alone.
To never reach out to you again.
And that arrow struck painfully deep…
But I will do it
Because I can’t be this horrible monster
You see me as now
She is not me
She never was