Love Is Hateful

I have no desire to be kissed by her
I have no desire to be touched by her
Yet she offers me all that I could possibly imagine and more
She wants to give me a world of dreams she knows I desire
Because I have shared with her in search of a friend
And somewhere along the way
She fell in love with me
And wants only to please me and see me smile

But my heart is full of only one love
One love that burns and hurts and torments my soul
Is this how it will be from now on
The offering, the temptation
Yet the knowing that nothing
Will vanquish the thirst
The hunger
For my only love
Who mixes with me apparently
Like oil and water
And tells me she’s dating
But that they are only ‘distractions’
Who tells me in one breath
That she is in love with me still
But that it doesn’t change a fucking thing

Do I wait now inevitably
For the day she will eventually tell me
Always quietly
That she has found someone among her ‘distractions’
Someone who will make her smile
And make her laugh
And make her feel needed
And make her the center of their universe
Like I made her the center of mine
Like she is still the center of mine
And will I be expected to smile
And laugh
And be happy for her…

Is this what the future holds?
The pain of knowing that she searches
She wants, she seeks, she craves
Something I am not
Have never been
But not for lack of trying
Searching for what I can not give her
Because her need is so fierce
So consuming
So greatly demanding of all that I am
Maybe in this endeavor
I have to admit failure
Is this the final
Cruelest joke
Of the universe
That when I finally sought the love
Of a woman
It came to me hard and strong
Soft and easy
Undeniable and poignant
Yet as elusive and mutable
As the woman herself

I am ashamed to admit
My hatred grows for a God I know not
Because my heart is tired of aching
Aching for something always
Just beyond my reach
Never being happy with second best
And she who offers me her heart and something now
Is second best
Good and kind and loving
But not what I want
She is at best a friend
But my heart does not recognize her
She will never be my love

And so is this it?
Am I supposed to go back now
Back to pretending that it doesn’t matter?
To the cold touch prying between my thighs
To hands and fingers and tongues
That search for my heart through sex
To the kisses that ignite nothing but my indifference
To the debauchery
The lewdness
The complete annihilation of my loving soul
To satisfy the cravings of the need
Not to be lonely
Giving myself to anyone, everyone
Because it’s what we do
Give ourselves to someone who is equally empty
And looking for someone
To touch them too

I had hoped that was all over
That I had finally found and understood
What it feels like to know
The truth of love
In the depth of her eyes
In the warmth of her smile
In the sweetness of her touch
In the invitation of her kiss
And I thought love would be
Kind to me
But the truth is
Love is not kind
Love is not soft and warm
It’s stark, hungry, brutal and mean
Devouring from the inside out
Till bitterness and contempt fill the void
Left by it’s painful escape

I finally accept the fate
I fought so hard to deny
And embrace that I was a foolish dreamer
To ever think love
Would be kind to me

It comes with a horrible price
That is hateful and vicious and cruel
Your beautiful, innocent soul in return
For a lonely heart that beats with the death
Of each pain
Each sorrow
Each regret

Love is hateful and unkind
I will seek it no more
I am spent
I was a fool
I am done

Published by:

A late-bloomer who definitely came out crooked, dove in, got a little broken, patched herself up again and...voila! Upright ;) Sort of lol.

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