It’s been a tough day. A tough few months.
If only you had been the one to offer me refuge. Maybe I would have refused it, maybe I would have accepted it, but either way I would have known you loved me enough to not want me to suffer so completely…
The day I came to return your key and pick up the last of me from your place, I prayed. I was so low and sad and missing you. My heart was buried in hurt and disillusionment but my soul still cried for you. And I asked the universe for something. I know now that it was a true heart wish.
I asked for someone to just say to me…
“Baby, let me take care of you so you can write and truly fulfill your dream.”
I only had two people in mind. YOU…you first, most desperately and always. And then I briefly considered Mike, but knew that wasn’t even really an option. I was just grasping at chance. But, at the last second the universe asked me a question and I surprisingly answered back with Yes.
For the rest of that sad miserable day, I waited.
I waited for the universe to show me the answer.
In my heart I was waiting for you.
I knew that then and I know that now.
But you never answered.
You never heard my heart wish.
You knew everything that I was going through
Yet you never once offered me help. In any way.
Everyone else did. But not you.
The only person I wanted to wrap me in her love and give me peace, was silent.
I get it. I left. You were finding yourself. Your butchness. Your happy.
And I am truly happy for you now that you have found it. Really I am.
It may not sound like it while I am writing out my hurt here. But I am.
I have always only ever wanted you to be happy. With yourself, with me.
And it will always cause me some sadness to know that you found it without me…
But while you were finding happy, I was left alone to pick up the pieces
Of the shattered, messy life you helped create
Alone and afraid and slowly fading out into darkness
And you knew. You knew exactly what I was going through
But it just didn’t matter enough to you. Not really. You had moved away from me.
And every day I grew weaker and felt more hopeless
And every day I struggled with the painfully sad reality
That you were never going to hear my heart wish
That you weren’t the one who was going to save me
And I need saving baby. I am not that strong anymore. Maybe I never was.
I am too weak, too drained, too tired, too broken to do this alone.
In this moment, in this situation
If it were reversed between you and I
I know I would have found a way to offer you peace
The very next day a near stranger answered my heart wish.
Maybe in its infinite wisdom the universe is giving me exactly what I need.
The thing is, I wanted you. Only you. Always you.
But clearly that doesn’t matter.
And so it goes.
No guilt intended, baby. Honestly.
It is what it is and you have found what you need to move on.
You have found yourself and are on your way to being happier.
Be open to love P.
Be open to your life.
Be open to letting me go.
I have nothing more to say now.
My voice, the one that spoke only to you, of you, for you, is now silent.
I am closing this chapter of my life.
But I needed to write this so that I can have closure.
So I can say good bye to you the only way I can and mean it.
I know you still read me here.
I’m sorry I never said all this to you in person.
I couldn’t. It was just too fucking hard.
And I’m sorry we never got to make love the way I wanted to, so that I could have shown you how much I wanted you, desired you, needed you, loved you, wanted to dive into you and make you feel that rip-off-your-clothes kind of passionate wanting you so deserved. I wanted to be all that for you. You will never know how badly I wanted that.
But you will find it again. With someone new.
It will be different, but it will be.
Trust in the process.
Learn to trust in love.
Stay happy P bear.
This is my last and ironically, 50th posting to my blog – (2 still unposted)
Fitting I suppose…
Man, it’s gonna be a long time before I stop crying over you.
Even as I write this, I can’t truly imagine my life without you in it.
I have loved you for so long, so deeply, for forever it seems.
There will always be a place for you in my heart. No matter what.
Always loving you.
You are my heart wish.