Always Losing…

I am learning that love
Is not what I had dreamed
Or that dream is simply not meant for me

I thought she would be different
That I would find what my heart needed
To feel full and alive and complete
But instead I have traded
One lonely, safe existence for another
And again I am compromising
Settling for an emotional bubble
That hurts and leaves me frustrated
A love that promises me everything
But can’t seem to deliver
A love that has strings
Is critical and demanding
A love that is conditional
That only pleases me if I behave
If I am deserving
A love that blooms with such deep intensity
Ravaging, refusing denial
Scorching everything in its path
Burning in my blood
Tatooing my skin
Imprinting on my heart
Deaf to my pleas
Leaving me helpless
Out of control
Wanting, needing, aching, exposed
Then in an instant
Is pulled away
Tempered
Controlled
Until the next
Explosion
A love that is dangled
Teasing, taunting, tempting
To make me follow
To make me stay
To make me…what?
Is this the lesbian way of loving?
To give with such intensity
To take with equal intensity
To drain, to empty, to conquer
Vampiric embraces that kill the very thing
That gives them life?
For what
Validation?
Is this kind of love
Ever undulating, rolling, moving
Ebbing with the tide of passion
Petulant, moody, pensive,
Overwhelming the senses?
Then leaves nothing
Only broken hearts behind?

She has introduced
The dialogue of selfishness
Of want, of need, of putting self first
And taught me to speak the language
Of which I am becoming fluent
But what I don’t understand is
Was she ever the person
She promised to be?
Or was I so desperate for this love
That I saw something that wasn’t really there?

But how could I have mistaken
Her kisses, her touch…
Was I really that wrong?

How did I end up here?
Straight or gay
I am always the loser
And it’s making me want to
Give up on love
Give up on the dream
Of ever truly being
Happy

Love
You are not my friend

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