Now I Know…

The reason why my heart was afraid to love you

I believed in you
And you lied to me
I let you in and that Was my mistake
You never loved me
You never saw me
You never heard me
You were just good at digging deep
And picking at the scabs that cover vulnerabilities
In the chinks of the human armor
That’s where you live
Where you can push and pull
And twist and punish at will
Until your sheer persistence crumbles an identity
And the walls come crashing down
And all that’s left is a huddling mass of
Crippling self doubt and despair
And only a shadow of the person that used to be there
Never once were you truly prepared to take responsibility
For opening me up, for making me feel
Or for the mess you were leaving behind
You simply unwrapped me like new shiny toy
Until my heart was left bleeding
Naked and exposed on the floor
And then, like a spoiled selfish child
When I didn’t pander to your every whim and fantasy
When I didn’t play by your rules
You blamed, belittled, accused and walked away
Because that was easier then admitting
You may have made a mistake, that you are not perfect
That your belief system does not
And should not govern my world

I thought because you were a woman
You would be different
That your love would be gentler, easier
That your love would be kind
That I could believe in the promise
And begin to actually dream my dream…

But you are just like them
Using sex as a weapon
Controlling, manipulative, self serving
When my inner child met your inner child
I knew you didn’t play fair
But you justified your actions
And you pretended to love me so well
You were a painful lie
Telling me how wonderful I was
Yet demanding that I change
Proclaiming to love the goodness in me
Yet determined to harness it and control who I loved
Clipping my wings, making me distrustful
Tearing at the very fabric of my soul
To turn me into…what?
Wasn’t I ever good enough just the way I was?

It makes no difference now
You are the lesbian lie
You may as well have been a man
And now that I know the truth
My mind can stop missing you
My body can stop wanting you
My soul can stop needing you
And I can stop loving you
As soon I learn how
And I will learn how
Because now I know
That you are a lie
And I will always wonder
If anything you ever said to me was real…
Or are you that good at playing the game
At being inside your head and in your world
You don’t know the difference?

I will love you
Until I don’t anymore

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