Imprinted

She came to me tonight
All pretense was shed
All the talk of what we needed to do to fix things
Gone
Forgotten for a sweet, beautiful moment
She came to connect with me and I needed her to do that
I never know how to express it when it runs through me
The multitude of emotions that tear at me
Tugging, pulling, unsure and so afraid
With courage trying so hard to rise to the top
But she always seems to know
She always seems to know
Always…

You asked me what I will do to help us make it through
And I didn’t answer you in that moment
But I will now…
I will remember you in your truest beauty
You deserve to be remembered in your wisdom and love
Just like you were tonight
So when I am angry and want to shut myself down and away from you
I will close my eyes and remember you as I saw you tonight (minus the alcohol 🙂
And I will always try and remember you like that
The true you I know who sleeps inside

Is it really a case of her being me and I being her?
Are we truly a reflection of each other?
And is that why we fight and love so hard?
Loving and hating what we see in the mirror?

I tried today, in a very clumsy way
To tell her that I needed her
That I wanted her
That I missed her
But I didn’t say that to her
I didn’t just tell her my heart
But I wanted to
God knows I wanted to
I felt the need in every fibre of who I am
But instead…
I blamed it on hormones
Talked circles around it for awhile
Wanted her to play the game with me once again…
I mean, why not
We have played it a thousand times before
But she said “No”
“No, Trish”
Even though I knew she wanted the same thing I wanted
In her wisdom
She said “No”
Denied me, rejected me, hurt me, shamed me
All my perception, I see that now
But it hurt all the same…
But in her wisdom
She said “No”
And then I realized
And I was shamed
And embarrassed
Then humbled

I was the petulant child
And suddenly I saw that she had grown
Had in fact become who she has probably always been
Then I was inexplicably hurt
And I got angry because she had put me here
In this crazy state of crazy!
I got so emotional
Screaming and yelling in my head “How dare you grow now!”
“Why couldn’t you have done this before, when I needed you to do it?”
“When I begged you to do it?!”
“How many times have I asked for you to grow up?!!!”
“Fuck you!”

Then it came to me…
An almost complete understanding.

It happened so unexpectedly
But there it was as it has been for nearly two years now
With me before I go to bed at night
When I wake up in the morning before any other thought
On the bus, the subway
At work, in the food court, in the washroom
Standing in the rain, in the sunshine
Walking, riding, alone or in a crowd
Even when I am determined not to think of her
Cuz I don’t want this craziness in my life anymore
She is there
Always and forever…My P

And then I knew I was truly hopelessly lost in love

The heart does what it wants to do
And who am I to think I actually have any control over that
No matter what has happened in the past
And no matter what happens in the future
Her stamp is on me as sure I have fingerprints
I have become imprinted
Her love, her brand of sensuality, her voice, her touch, her wisdom
Has left an indelible imprint on my soul
And I can’t just scrub it away when I get pissed off or angry
She is in my heart to stay

Damn.
I get it…
She is my lobster.

But man…there is still so much work to do.

Fuck

I love you baby xo

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