Why?

It’s breaking my heart. All the passion, the crazy connection we have, things about her that I actually love…and there are many things about my P that I love…all of it reduced to this lonely, single, solitary moment of realization and the sadness that comes with it.

I feel us slipping away and out of my heart. I have no control over it. I didn’t want to admit it even to myself but all the drama, heartache and fighting has finally taken its toll. What might have been special between us, destroyed and any chance we might have had to be happy together, over. I will never understand why it had to be like this. Never.

And now I am becoming indifferent to her and eventually she will leave me. It’s tearing me apart inside but it’s happening of its own volition. My heart is dying. Love and the death of love have a life of their own. She says she feels like I am just putting up with her now. That maybe when I said I was afraid that I was falling out of love with her, I actually meant it. I don’t know anymore. I’m on the ledge. On the edge. So afraid I’m about to commit emotional suicide. Conflicted and confused…and yet I still feel so much. I miss our magic. Our thing. I miss what we could have had. I miss the type of love she promised over and over but was never able to give me. I saw glimpses of our beauty and I think that is the saddest part. That we were never able to hold on to that. We were not founded or grounded in happiness. It was painful almost from the start. And now there are so many scars, so much irreparable damage that’s been done. Wounds that go so deep there is no recovery from them. It’s all just so fucking sad.

What am I hanging on to?
I can’t tell anymore.
The remnants of the dream I had?
Do I stay because she is familiar and my first?
Because she is safe?
Am I afraid to begin anew with someone else?
Is this life even what I want?
And if not this, then what?
I don’t want to be with a man again…

So many questions. I feel so unsettled in every aspect of my life.

I have never not missed her when we were apart for days or felt this far from her emotionally. Is it over? Am I really falling out of love with her? Should I let this go and say goodbye? I mean really say goodbye? I’ve left her a thousand times, but I’ve never really said goodbye.

I don’t know what to do.
How to let go. How to move on.
How to be happy with her. We have never found the secret.
Foolishly, I promised her I would stop leaving her.
But I am miserable with her.
And I will be miserable without her.
But she deserves more then this.
And so do I.

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