I thought it would be so simple…
A smooth transition from one sex to the other. Never dreamed of the obstacles and the heartache or I may have stayed on the safer well traveled road. Straight, gay, bi, queer…labels I will never identify with. I am just me. Inside and out. A person, a woman, a flawed, sensitive human being in need of love and compassion. I am not a label. I don’t fit in a box.
Do I have to?
Do I have to be something other than what I am, to fit in? To be accepted and loved by another woman? The lesbian life represents…confusion.
The nuances are unfamiliar, the humour dark and always sexual. Makes me awkward. The gossip, the promiscuity ~ uncomfortable. I thought I could get past the physical intimacy, the memories, the smell my mother left on my face when she kissed me after making love to her partner. My first smell of pussy sex.
To my credit I tried.
I put my face between my lovers creamy white thighs, smelled the warm woman musky scent of her sex, placed my tongue lightly on her clit…because I wanted to please her. I had no idea what I was doing but I wanted to try. I tried to perform, moved way beyond my comfort zone. Felt bold and brave, a little reckless and daring. But I was timid, shy and unsure of what to do. And then my first lesbian lover paralyzed me. She laughed. Told me I was afraid to get messy. She says it was out of nervousness. I’ll never know what truly triggered her response. All I will ever know is that she laughed at me in one of my weakest most vulnerable states ever. And I was crushed. Felt like such an idiot. Embarrassed and ashamed. I wanted to be anywhere else in that moment then where I was.
And though I forgive her, I have not been able to go back there. Truly get past it. It haunts me every time we make love. And she may never know what it feels like for me to give her that kind of pleasure.
Who did I think I was playing lesbian?
Maybe it is all in my head. The fantasy. The hunger. The desire. The peace that comes with love. Maybe the reality is too real for me? Too brutal. Too raw. Maybe I should just crawl back into the closet and chalk this experience up to life?
“Slow down and mingle. See if this world is right for you.” I was told this by a veteran lesbian…single and wise now. Good advice. I should take it. Thing is I am built for relationships. I always have been. I don’t want to be alone. I am not afraid of it and it’s not because I would be lonely. I am never really alone or lonely. I have friends. Family. Many who love me and care for me.
I must try and remember that more often.
Epic failure? My coming out? I think not. Maybe it is she who has failed me. Maybe the community has failed me. I wanted so much to be a part of this ‘thing’ I have been attracted to and denying for years. But maybe it is the lesbians who are failing me? Failing each other.
I thought that lesbian love would be kinder, softer, more understanding and compassionate. More aware of the needs of a woman as both a lover and a friend. Silly me. What was I thinking? I guess I have romanticized it a little, but, still, I believe that it can be as I imagine. But so far, and my view is still very narrow and limited, but so far I have seen that most lesbians are like spoiled, selfish children demanding attention and love and fulfillment from others but don’t seem to know how to give it back. And like spoiled selfish children they are exhausting with their constant litany of “Love me Love me Love me”.
What happened? Why is the line so fucking blurred between immaturity and the adult? Did they all have the same horrific drama or trauma? Is it a gene? Is it the incestuous, promiscuous lifestyle and community that they create that breeds the very insecure, unstable women that even the lesbians don’t want?
I do not disapprove of lesbian love. Never. I aspire to that. I want to be with a woman. That much is clear to me now. But are no lesbian/gay people self-aware and grounded? Is it all about spontaneous, impulsive, self gratifying sex and over the top emotions? Man! Is my search futile? Should I just give up, make friends, play nice and let go of my beautiful dream? Let go of the notion that a near perfect lesbian relationship will never exist? And if I do, then what of me? What happens to my passion, my desire, my need to love and be loved? Who do I share that with? Is the lesbian life ultimately to be alone because they are all so fucked up? Or get married, have a baby and do the straight thing disguised because their partners are women? Seriously?
If I am guilty of anything here is it of romanticizing and idealizing the lesbian relationship. My mother unwittingly showed me the truth of the insanity that can prevail. She also showed me the passion and the love…but mostly the instability. And I should have heeded the warning that was being shown to me. Perhaps I did. For 47 years…
But this was bound to happen.
It’s in me. Deep.
So what now? Where do I go from here? What do I do with my lesbian lover who like a spoiled child still demands and is exhausting me to where I have no energy left for her, for us, for any of this? I don’t want to give up but I can’t find the balance with her. Will I ever? Is she, a lesbian, with all the beauty and wisdom, insecurity and immaturity, and the battle scars to go with the label, even capable of giving me what I need? Will it always be an uphill battle with her? All of our energies pooled and primarily focused on making her a complete, whole, grounded and happy human being? Do I have the strength for that or even the desire to be that person now? After a lifetime of giving and compromising my own happiness in relationships, putting myself second, being the one whose needs are rarely met…can I do it again? And for how long? I am almost 50, damn it! When is it my fucking turn?
Perhaps it is too late for me? Perhaps I have made a huge mistake and my coming out is an epic failure because I never should have done it? Perhaps I had no choice. I don’t know anymore.
I could write poetry, love stories, real life drama and express my love and my truth that way. I could leave where I am in search for the elusive “her” and continue down this path of bashing and mind fucking…because it does seem inevitable that no matter who I choose to be with, that will happen. There is a bitter irony here that I have not missed. Most of the women telling me how fucked the community is are single, grounded lesbians. And they are all warning me to be careful. Sad really. I think I understand why P spent 20 years outside of a serious relationship. I really do. Single is probably mentally healthier. Lesbians are beautiful, enigmatic creatures full of mystery and passion…but they are also incredibly fucked up!
So are P and I doomed because she is a true lesbian and I am not? She has so much to overcome. I don’t know if she ever will. And what about me? When do I get to shine and be all that I am? When do I get what I want? What I need? I deserve it too!
What do I have to offer anyone gay or straight?
I AM FUCKING AWESOME!!!
Sexy, smart, passionate, funny, social, intelligent, wise, compassionate, loving, gentle, warm, kind, saucy and fun. Yes…I am all that and a bag of chips 🙂
Epic failure? My coming out? Maybe.
I am not.