Reading the signs and walking away…
The decision has been made for me. After many nights of tough realizations, I woke up today to petty segregation. The lines have been drawn and I am definitely on the other side. Wonder if I can still use the butter or have an egg? Probably not. After all, I didn’t buy them. My dishes being left on the counter while she washed her own…canceling the cable, taking the BBQ. All under the guise of “I’m not doing this out of anger or to be mean, but I have to protect myself.” Against what? Suddenly I have grown three heads and my thoughts are malicious and cruel? Suddenly I am the enemy?
So be it.
She has to protect herself and do what she needs to do. I get it. And so do I. I never dreamed I would be here but here I am and it’s not a dream. It’s a horrible eye witness account of the murder of my first lesbian relationship. I know that it needs to end, but am still very sad that it has to. Once accusations start flying about being used, I know there is no going back. And now she is “packing up all her toys”, reneging on her promises and moving into a state of paranoia. The next four days are going to be hellish 😦 Fuck. Now I am this horrible, untrustworthy person who would deliberately do her harm?
Wow…maybe I should be the one putting a lock on my bedroom door?
The past few weeks have been bittersweet. I have been inundated with old and new friends all talking about life experiences, where they are in life now…most are generally unhappy or lonely 😦 which is such a sad commentary on our mature populace, gay or straight, and our collective state of mind and being…and I couldn’t help but wonder in awe at the fact that I, in my own personal pain and struggle, was a shining beacon of hope for all of them. Lol. How messed up is that?
I felt their pain, I empathized with their loneliness and sense of unfulfilled lives and realized that there are so many lonely, lost souls out here…myself included. But for a few precious moments I forgot about my own personal sadness and tried to encourage others to remember to live, find their passion and realize that true happiness is not found in someone else. It is found within.
And sadly, I knew that after I was gone, the blanket of despair would descend, that the light in their eyes would be vanquished, their smiles would slowly fade and that they would crawl right back into the misery which I had temporarily pulled them from. Sigh. And I know this because I am not immune. I am the mirror of it all. The human condition. Amazing is our capacity for suffering.
The recent emotionally charged and draining days, the humbling and sad conversations with people…some very close to my heart…and perhaps the full moon, have all contributed to my sadness and melancholy. I feel lonely. I haven’t felt that in nearly two years. And it hurts my soul.
P is making me aware that she is aware that I am withdrawing from her and for the first time I can offer her no reassurances. I have nothing left to give her. She has sucked all the love, caring, desire and want out of me. I feel like an empty shell and nothing she says or does can fill me anymore. I am giving up. Something has changed. I have changed. I have come to realize that although she has real issues and stuff to work on to make any intimate relationship work, I need more from her then she is capable of giving me. It’s not that she isn’t trying, or that she doesn’t have it in her to give, but she truly doesn’t know how. And that brings me such sadness. I have been in love with a person who can’t give me what I need because she had never grown enough to understand what it is she has to give. I am actually truly beginning to understand her favorite expression: “My needs are not being met.” I get it now. And no, my needs are not being met.
She has been dwelling in her own personal drama for so long that she has retarded her growth and development. Most of the time she operates on the emotional level of a 12 year old and because she has spent the last 20 years alone she has grown out of touch with the basic rituals and common sensibilities of relationships. Her sense of self is inflated and her awareness of her partners and their basic needs is under developed. Her own needs and wants still always have to come first. Sigh.
At times she could be so selfless, so giving, so…present. So incredibly perceptive that I felt like she knew me better then I know myself. At times I knew that she got me and it felt better then wonderful. At times I would see this amazing, knowledgeable woman who seemed capable and strong and determined and I was so attracted to her and always hungered for more of her. At times I loved her more then I ever thought I could love. But most of the time SHE, the woman I am attracted to and want to be with, wasn’t present. And unfortunately, it is she who has shown me what I want in a relationship. And it is she who has shown me that I can’t have it with her. How fucked it is that? One of her favorite words: Oxymoron. No irony there.
Is it any wonder I haven’t been able to let go of this and walk away?
She is everything I want and all that I don’t!
Perhaps I saw something that really wasn’t there? Perhaps I wanted HER so badly that I made her up? Or perhaps the inability to keep her present has disillusioned me. I could never follow her changing characters and was never comfortable with her fluid chameleon like qualities. She says it’s a Pisces thing. I am now forewarned.
We have done too much damage to this relationship to ever fully recover and find balance. We never had it from the beginning and we sure as hell don’t have it now. She sees me wrongly and I see her wrongly and we will never see each other correctly again. I am not now, nor was I ever the monster she has made me out to be. It’s sad really. It’s not about right or wrong, or blame. It’s simply that we are incapable of giving each other what we need to feel whole and complete and secure in this relationship. I am finally owning that, realizing it, reading all the signs and accepting the bitter truth of it, but because she is my first love, it’s been incredibly hard to let her go and truly say good bye.
But now I finally realize I have too. It would be unfair to give her false hope. She is still in love, or so she says. I don’t know what to believe anymore but I think she did love me in her own way once upon a time. And even though now, after all this time, she says she is finally willing to jump down from the fence and says she wants to be “all in”…it doesn’t really matter. It’s too late. My heart has been ripped open too many times and now I finally know the truth.
Maybe one day we can be friends…
I love what she has brought to me, I will cherish the sweeter memories, and a part of me will always love my ‘P’, but if I haven’t fallen out of love yet, I’m well on my way because I’ve lost my desire to try. Now, I just want to walk away. And that is really the sad tragedy here. I was so willing, wanting to be open to her. To this experience. Now I am scarred, unsure and cautious. My innocence has been stripped away and I want it back. But I know I never will.
She will be fine. She has the tools now, her painful lessons hopefully learned and if she applies them with the right person, her life will be the bliss she is searching for. She isn’t hard to love, just hard to please. Like a greedy, selfish child, she wants more and more and more until there is nothing left to give. That will be her greatest challenge. Accepting that everyone has to keep a little for themselves and that they can’t give her everything. That the bigger part of her happiness will not come from anyone else, but that she has to give it to herself. Only then will she ever truly find her joy. Find happy.
As for me? Now that is a question that begs an answer.
Tick tock tick tock tick tock…
I have none.
I am here where I don’t want to be.
A little bitter.
I don’t understand why she was put in my life and I may never fully understand the lesson here. But I have learned from her things about myself and about women that I hadn’t known before. I am grateful for that, for her lessons, her love and her kindness and willingness to teach. And she is an excellent teacher. I will never forget her voice, her eyes, her kisses or the way she touched me, emotionally, spiritually and physically. She was my P bear and for a little while we shared something special and found the magical ‘thing’ in each other.
How can I ever regret that?
Now I have to let go of her and come to terms with this part of my story being left unfulfilled, unhappy and unsettled so that I can say good bye to this chapter and begin another. The job can change, I will find my new home, I will write, I am an artist and I will find my voice…but I have lost my passionate love. The thing that has driven me and consumed me, made me weep and made me laugh, made me wet and made me cum, made me feel alive and feel like me again and more. I have lost it all and it breaks my heart. That is where my deep sadness comes from.
I know now that she and I never had a chance at life. I don’t really know why though but I’ve read the signs, I know the truth and I am walking away. There is no choice anymore. It is what it is and the death of Trish and Pauline has occurred, perhaps prematurely or perhaps exactly when it was supposed to.
I hate death. It is fickle, unpredictable, heartless and without rhyme or reason.
I don’t know if I have the strength to do this again.
I’m a survivor. But I have always been a woman first.
And she asks me why I am so sad.