Hesitation…Pt 1

Does moving in with her mean I have to admit to being a lesbian? If so, I’m not ready to do that yet. I still don’t identify there. I don’t know if I ever will. It might seem like an odd thing to say considering that I am in a sexual relationship with a woman, but still…it’s true.

It’s so easy when it’s just her and I cocooned in our bubble, lying in “the office” talking, touching, loving each other. I love how she loves me. How she desires me. How she makes me feel adored. It is addictive when someone loves you this much. She makes being with her the only thing I want and I want it again and again and again. I am insatiable. I am insane. I want all the time…

But then it ends, we separate, reality creeps back in and it’s no longer just us. And I don’t know how this thing we have will translate out there in the real world if we live together as a couple. I think that’s what scares me the most. I don’t know how comfortable I will be in that new skin…that new identity.

“Trish and Pauline, our lesbian neighbors.”

And that’s who we will be…who I will become.
Trish the lesbian.
I’m still trying to wrap my brain around that one. I am so much more then that.

I am Trish
Woman
Queen
Mother
Wife
Daughter
Orphan
Sister
Lover
Friend

I am none and yet I am all.
I am simply me.
Not defined by a label, a color or my sexuality.
Is that how the world will see me now?
A black/native american lesbian?

Great. Just fucking great.

The other day at work Shannon, a happily married to a man, self-professed bisexual who loves to harmlessly flirt with me to stroke my ego I’m sure, wanted to be included in a hug I was giving to Chris, my most amazing gay boy friend. He made some joking comment about a gay, a lezi and a “whatever”… When it hit me that he had called me a lezi, my first reaction was to say “I’m not a lesbian!” but I didn’t. I think I was too shocked to absorb and respond in that singular moment. And then later, when I was leaving work, Shannon smiled in her provocatively knowing way and asked me where my “woman” was.

My woman?
My woman?
Seriously?
Do I have a woman?
P is my…woman?

This interaction, this dialogue…all so strange and unfamiliar. I’m not used to having a woman. I am always the woman and someone always has me. I wonder if I will ever get used to it.

P says everyone already knows; that I have for all intents and purposes “come out” but I don’t feel that truth in my heart, in my being. I’m not ready to adopt a whole new set of rules and labels and I feel like moving in with her, a self-proclaimed “proud and very out lesbian”, will force that on me whether I am ready to deal with it or not. I’m trying to take all of this in stride and not make such a big deal out of it. Really I am, but there are so many times when it all overwhelms and catches me completely unaware and I wonder just what the hell I am doing???

This is not a game to me. I have taken and am still taking every step I take with P very seriously which is why I agonize so much over my decisions. But at times I feel like such a fraud. Like I am living a lie. Like this is all only temporary and I am counting on that fact. After all, how could this possibly be forever? Lesbian relationships don’t last forever. Do they? P is not a forever kind of girl. Then again, am I? That would be the two sides of my brain and my many splintered emotions at war again. This incessant chatter in my head drives me fucking nuts!

How can I make love to her, this beautiful woman who lies in my arms, in my bed, looking at me with such naked emotion, who trusts me with her body and heart, whose kisses and touch I ache for to the point of near obsession, this woman who I want to give myself to mind, body and soul…how can I know and feel all of this truthful emotion and yet at the same time have this innate knee jerk reactionary urge to deny that a deep and meaningful relationship exists between us and that we have a strong and powerful connection? What the hell is that all about?

Am I confusing lust with love? There is a fine line between the two. Would it be wrong if I were? Does it really matter so long as the want and the desire is the same?

God. I really don’t understand all of this inner conflict. It’s so maddening and keeps me completely off balance! Is this part of the process of coming out??? Or is it that I am dealing with the deeper issue of falling truly madly in love…which in itself is a fucking whammy…and with a woman no less. Fuck. Why can’t it be as simple as it should be? Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated? Why do I make it so fucking complicated? Couldn’t I have been born with a simpler brain and less emotional capacity?

I hate that I am still trying to figure out who I am and that that has to happen before I can fully embrace who I am with her. I just want to be…there. Wherever there is! This is all so confusing at times, surreal and moving at a pace I can never ever ever keep up with! I know, she’s used to the pace of the lesbian lifestyle…the hurry up and get to the end. I don’t know that I trust or understand or even like the recycled recipe for a lesbian relationship.

Meet
Have sex
Fall in love
Move in
Fall out of love
Move out
Repeat

Me. Not so much. I still have a straight girl mentality and even though I admit to being in love with the consumption, fascinated by the intensity and lured by the promise of such amazing intimacy…I still move at a slower pace. I need to catch my breath. I can’t just fall and keep falling deeper and deeper without my feet on solid ground.

But having said all that, I can’t get the idea of living with her out of my head. I woke up at 8 in the morning and couldn’t fall back asleep for thinking of her.

Of us.
Of yesterday and Olympic hockey gold.
Of tomorrow.
Of moving in together.

A part of me has already typed up my 60 days notice and committed to this path with happiness, excitement and anticipation but the other part of me sits here with a fearful, heavy heart wanting to type the reasons why I can’t do it.

On one hand she makes me strong, gives me courage and makes me believe I can do anything. I am eternally grateful to her for that. When she is with me, looking at me, pleading with her soft brown eyes and asking me to move in with her… all I want to do is say “YES YES YES!” But then she leaves me alone in a cold bed and I am alone with the voices at war again, resentment and fear rising for needing her so much and for feeling weak with that need and unable to deny her anything she wants from me.

Man…this is tough. Talk about a leap of fucking faith! Yet…I’m almost, almost, almost there. Almost….I just wish I knew what to do to actually jump!

Am I just completely and hopelessly insane?
Talk to me P. Help me get past this….thing.

I want to be with you.

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