Sugar Coating

Who doesn’t want all the hardships in life sugar coated? Who wants to hear negative things about themselves? Who wants to realize that they have to change themselves in order to ‘fit’?

Why can’t you accept me for who I am, warts and all? Am I really such a terrible person? The monster you’ve made me think I am? When did you become judge, jury and executioner? Who gave you that right?

Am I such a dreamer, an idealist, a hopeless romantic that I can’t expect to be loved for who I am? Has that suddenly become unattainable in this relationship? Am I so flawed that you can’t simply love me for me? I think not.

If you love me then let me grow and if you don’t then let me go.

I am beginning to understand your 20 years of bachelorhood. Perhaps, it is better to be single, alone and free then to be in constant denial of your truth and made to feel as if you are unworthy unless you comply. That is not what I wanted.

I was learning to give you all of me in ways I have never given myself to anyone and you dare to sit in judgment of me? You expect me to wait in silence for God knows how long, to find out whether I am worthy of your love and attention. The bigger question now being, do I even want it?

I am losing my energy for you. You steal my desire, you rob me of my strength and you don’t even realize it. You drain me. You take and you take and even when you give you take. I didn’t think that was possible. Everything I say you mimic. Why do you do that? I know you have beautiful thoughts of your own. I have always said you mirrored me and you said it was because we are so alike. I am beginning to wonder about that. I know that I have an identity, a sense of self. It might be in conflict right now because of the path I have chosen but I am no less sure of my heart and soul and the goodness of who I am even in all this confusion. Can you say the same? It seems as if your plan is to undermine me emotionally and spiritually at every given opportunity and I don’t understand why you would want to do that to me. I don’t understand why you would want to break me down, tame me, manipulate me into submission. To what end?

I came to you in openness and love, seeking and searching and willing to accept almost anything. And I did. I accepted you and all your stuff, albeit with much difficulty when it became painful, but I accepted you just the same. I accepted you, I loved and I adored you. But it was never good enough. You always wanted more, wanted me to change, couldn’t accept me for what and who I was. Not all of me. You liked little bits and pieces. Sigh. I never claimed to be perfect, but in my imperfection was love and you did have me…all of me. 100%. Even when I was fighting you, you had me.

But little by little you are tearing up my love and throwing it away. You’re throwing me away. I am everything you want and need, but you fight me at every turn. You think I am trying to tell you what to do, to control you somehow.

In this we do not mirror each other.
I have no need or desire to control anyone.

You either don’t believe in me and in us, don’t think you’re worthy of a loving relationship one or just simply don’t know how to be in a strong relationship where both partners are equally dependent on and equally independent of each other. I do know how. I know how to give of myself freely but I am done compromising my happiness for yours or anyone else’s. I will not be taken advantage of anymore or made to feel less then I am. Ever again.

You don’t trust yourself and therefore you can’t trust me.
You don’t trust us and therefore you can’t just let it be.

It’s sad really. I thought God had given me you because you would understand; would ‘get’ me. But you don’t see me. Or really love me. Or truly accept me. It’s all conditional to what you want. Your needs. If I displease you I am wrong, selfish, mean and cruel. But when you are happy with my behavior, I am love, I am heaven, I am everything.

You are a master of emotional blackmail. You say all the pretty words, whisper them in my ear. You touch me in all the right places and you know you can manipulate me. And you do. I am a pawn, a woman searching for an identity. Maybe you thought I was a perfect opportunity to mold me into what you wanted. After all, I knew no better. You are my first. And as such are in a unique and privileged position to teach, nurture and guide…or to abuse, manipulate and corrupt me.

I don’t know who you are anymore and though you look at me with your soulful expressive brown eyes and say you are simple, I know better now. You are not as easy or uncomplicated as you imply. You are a child, but you are a sharp tongued woman with an agenda as well. I don’t know what you want from me anymore for it is clearly not what you say it is.

I don’t know who I am when I am with you anymore.
I don’t know what I am to you anymore.
Was this just another fucking test?
I’m so tired of the tests.

You tell me it’s okay to be selfish, that I should think of myself more, yet when I do you judge me. You tell me it’s okay to tell you anything, that you will understand and yet when I do you judge me. You tell me I can talk to you, yet when I do you judge the way I speak to you.

I will leave you alone as you have asked. You won’t hear my voice. I have so much and nothing to say to you. You tongue tie me with your watchfulness, your ability to pounce as soon as I deviate from your path. And you wonder why I text you so much? At least in text I know I will be heard. I can communicate with my words alone and get my message across. You need the arsenal of intimidation and manipulation. Of tone, inflection and facial expression. And of seduction. That’s why texting frustrates you so much.

But this is my place. My private world where I can say what I feel without fear of reprimand. I stand by what I write because all of it is representative of how I am feeling at any given moment and it’s all apart of becoming me. There is no wrong or right, no black and white. It is simply my truth. You can not sit on a throne here looking down on me in judgment and you never will. I allowed you into my world because I trusted you. Don’t make me regret that more then I already do.

Someone will love me for me one day and I will thrive in that love when it arrives. I hoped it would be you. So many of the right ingredients were in the mix of you. I wanted sugar coating too baby, but I got bitter sweetness instead. You are not the only one feeling the sharp pain of disappointment and heartache and if you don’t want to know my thoughts and feelings, stop coming here.

I don’t write with your sensibilities in mind. I don’t worry or care about offending you because this is not about you. This is about me. So leave your judgments and commentary and your injected sentiments outside this proverbial door.

Here I write for me.
Not for you.

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