It’s ancient, primal, dirty, intimate, dangerous, passionate, calculated and necessary. It can hurt both physically and emotionally. The idea of it can cause arousal or angst, tantalize or terrorize. It can create or destroy, empower or dibilatate.
I have ambiguous feelings about sex.
I hate it and I love it.
I want it and I don’t like that I do.
I have never had a chance to get in touch with my sexual sensual side although I have always known it existed. It was never discussed growing up. Not for any reason really, other then perhaps my parents didn’t feel it was necessary, although in all honestly I can’t see my mother comfortably talking about sexual pleasure because I don’t think she enjoyed sex. My father on the other hand was a touchy feely kinda guy, and I have no doubt that he is still performing even in his 80’s…with his new wife of 7 years.
Unfortunately, my experience with sex has not been positive. I lost my virginity at 13 in a barter situation for a place to stay. I was raped at 15 by a boy I liked who thought he was entitled to more then a kiss. At 18 by an uncle and threatened if I told. Then prostituted at 19 after being beaten several times within an inch of my life until I finally submitted. Yeah, I sooo did not go into prostitution easily.
Prostitution leaves you with a sour taste in your body. Your learn to detach yourself when strange hands are groping it, fucking it…using it. Men can be pigs. Rancid, putrid hateful pigs.
Men have shown me that sex can be used to abuse, degrade and debilitate and my mother taught me that sex with a woman…or a sexual relationship with a woman, can be downright scary. And the smell?
Lesbian mothers should not be allowed to kiss their children right after they have been eating pussy. It should be in the fucking manual. Don’t they realize how they can scar for life with such a careless act?
You think she could have at least left me something untainted. But no. She even had to take that away from me. Cause me some sort of trauma and dysfunction in the unlikely event that I might actually find myself in a relationship with a woman. Which of course, now I am.
And it’s sexual.
So of course, all my shit is coming up.
Even though I am a sexual, sensual creature by nature, my feelings around sex have became…ambiguous. My body craves it, my very soul needs it but my mind has seen the very dark side. Passion lives in the shadows but so does deceipt and cruelty.
I struggle every day with my sexual desires.
With both the light and dark inside of me.
Sex is complicated.