Need. Need. Need.
Reassurance. Constant. Exhausting.
I am unsure at this moment if I will ever be in the necessary space emotionally, intellectually and spiritually to occupy a woman. Their deep sensitivity does not come without a price and I have paid to the point of being stripped of all vestiges of self. The things that attract me to them are becoming warped by a common experience evidenced. I can’t do 24/7 needy.
I met a woman recently online. Believe me I wasn’t looking. My break up with P had left me feeling incredibly abandoned, alone and teetering on the ledge. Questioning if I should ever pursue a woman again. Toes hanging over, eyes closed, arms spread in supplication and ready for my descent, this woman found me and in her sweet words was the message of hope my mind clung to for sanity. She texted me for a week, every day, several times a day, until the ledge was no longer in sight. She was compassionate, understanding, empathetic and seemed to feel my shift before I even recognized I had moved back into a place of emotional safety. I was and still am grateful to her. Without her intervention I’m not sure I would have endured this painful separation from P with as much dignity as I have.
And then the lesbian warp speed kicked in…
First the deliberate, casual sexual innuendo. She is a dyke after all and a boi. The line was cast to see if I’d bite. And, admittedly, I did. A part of me felt starved for this kind of attention. P had all but abandoned our sexual intimacy for almost a year and as I have said before, I am a very sensual and sexual person and I need that kind of intimacy in my life. So yes. I responded. A willing and eager participant in sexting and it was crazy fun! Within a week and a half of beginning our connection she had sent flowers to my placement – I hadn’t shared my personal address but had mentioned in passing that my placement for school was with World Literacy, so she put two and two together and I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a note attached saying “Get used to it!”
I wasn’t sure whether to be freaked out or pleased. Did I have a stalker or was she merely apologizing for a faux pas she had made during one of our text conversations? I decided not to question it too deeply, accepted the flowers happily and the girls at WLC were agog and wanted all the details! I told them I would have to kill them if I shared and had to chuckle at their naive assumption that the flowers had come from a man.
Every week since, she has had flowers sent to me – 3 bouquets in all to date. The last was a beautiful array of 5 magnificent bright yellow cymbidium orchids with deep red anthirium as a compliment and to be honest, they were quite possibly the loveliest arrangement I have ever seen. And each arrangement was wrapped tightly with an indigo blue ribbon… Yellow (big bird yellow to be exact) and indigo are my two favorite colors. Clearly she was paying attention ;)
The first week felt, to me, like I was talking to a very scatter-brained 14 year old boy! It was almost a turn off. I felt like she was on a completely different wave-length then me and I could barely follow her conversations. I knew it was excitement and her wanting to shower me with attention and affection – so I couldn’t be angry about it, but it was frustrating as hell. I am a very literal person. I need clear communication!!!
So finally I told her that she needed to focus. That I couldn’t follow her disjointed rants that flowed from Shakespearean love sonnets to esoteric fantasy. That were at once eloquent and soft, then randomly interspersed with I wanna-fuck-you-hard dirty sex talk. I got dizzy fast! I’m sure it took great effort on her part, but she slowed down and focused.
And then I met her. Figuratively speaking…
And I liked her.
When she isn’t being spacey and way out in left field somewhere, she’s actually quite engaging and entertaining and the onus of the conversation isn’t entirely on me, which is a refreshing change. She has an uncanny accurate sense already of who I am because she has dated Gemini women often in the past. She calls me on my shit all the time and it makes laugh every time cuz she’s usually absolutely right. I’ve never had that happen with anyone before. It’s the oddest feeling! Proof that there really is something to this astrological stuff :)
Sidenote: She’s a Leo. My first crush was a Leo and broke my heart. My best friends are a Leo and Pisces. P is a Pisces. Hmmm….another post perhaps.
We’ve had this ongoing dialogue now for nearly a month. Ripe with fantasy love-making and wild imaginings. For the first two weeks it was exhilarating and fed my neglected and under-served sexual needs. When I heard the familiar chime of a text from her, I would smile stupidly at my phone and breathlessly await her next lines, which never disappointed. She is funny, witty, smart, mature, sexy, hungry, thoughtful, energetic – and sexually insatiable if her texts are proof. She calls herself a lion. It’s a very powerful image when used in foreplay.
And now she wants to meet.
I am not sure how I feel about that.
She actually called my phone in the second week and I panicked. I couldn’t pick up. Speaking to her would make her real! I wasn’t ready to take her out of context. She left me a voice mail. I listened to it. I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of her voice. Or was I judging because it wasn’t the familiar one I have grown so accustomed too? I was confused by my own behavior. I’ve never really dated and suddenly felt completely out of my depths. And then I was the 14 year old. OMG she’s calling! What do I do? What should I say? OMG OMG OMG!!! In hindsight it’s actually hilarious, but in that moment when my phone rang and I dropped it, practically ran away from it as though it had suddenly contracted a communicable disease, not so much!
I was so not ready to talk to her.
And I texted her as much. She seemed to understand but I could feel how much I was testing her patience.
I think she is a kind woman with a good heart. Very spiritual, into Buddhism and Reiki – as am I – and we share many personal philosophies. She’s told me she’s never had to wait so long to meet someone before but has agreed to wait until I am ready. I think she knows I’m terrified. I haven’t made any secret of that fact. Once burned – twice shy. We’ve had many many conversations. My position has been made clear.
So, I finally got the nerve to call her about a week ago. Yay me! And even though I have mixed feelings – meaning I’m not fully sure what she is expecting from me but have told her I don’t want a serious relationship and is she really okay with that? - I decided to set a date to meet her. I am intrigued.
Dec 14th. On top of the CN tower.
Yes I know. A little bit “An Affair To Remember” lol.
She’s taking me to the 360 dining room in the CN tower – my choice. Never been and want to go and she told me to pick anywhere I wanted. The choice was impulsive and when I checked online how expensive it was, I tried to change the plan, but she won’t let me. Said “we” were worth it.
Which brings me to reason for this post! LESBIAN WARP SPEED!
It’s only been a month but already I feel like there is an unspoken “we”-ness and I’m not too happy about that! She texts me non-stop unless I shut it down and I’m not used to that. She tells me she misses me. She hasn’t even met me! Seems to get quietly upset when I don’t have time to talk now – (I really am busy with school right now!!!) And to be honest, I want to slow it down a bit! I’m not used to being attached to my phone 24/7 and am starting to feel a bit pressured to always respond when she texts. I think I’m burning out. And I haven’t even met her yet!
Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well. Woke up with a sore throat, so wasn’t feeling particularly communicative. It’s rare but it happens lol. So when the texts started flying, I told her how I was feeling. And that I had to do some research and was going to call it an early night. We’ve had many 2 am text sessions, which she persists in continuing long after I have said I have to go (I don’t think she likes saying goodbye). Then apologizes for being selfish when I am exhausted the next day. She works, but seems to have an energizer-bunny amount of energy. And she’s 6 years older then me!
So, I’ve basically had less (but still reasonable amounts of) communication with her this week – only 30 texts a day instead of 100! – and I haven’t played as much sexually because it’s super distracting. She gets deep into it. And I know she’s feeling the loss of it. I did tell her that I needed time to get my school work done. That I won’t be as accessible for the next little while. Exams. Papers. I have to get into serious mode again. My honor status demands it. To say this been the most challenging semester with P leaving and me moving into my own space, would be a grievous understatement. I have been drifting all around my studies. I need to refocus. I thought she was okay with and understood that.
This morning I awoke to a text sent at 6 am…
“Trish are you ok? I’m sort of scratching my head at our conversations of late. You said last night that you were feeling off and a short time later said “lights out for me” and goodnight sweet kate. This was after waiting to txt with u for hours and then I hardly get much communication from you. You have been shutting down my txts to you with any friskiness to them and then an hour after telling me you’re going to bed I see that you’re online. I’m not happy with how I’m feeling right now. And when I made the comment last night about missing “my woman”, your response to that made me feel as though I was stepping over boundaries. Yup sleepless in Barrie. Romeo is not sure where to put these feelings…”
Fuck. And so it begins.
I responded back with…
My phone is ringing. It’s her. I’ll be back.