Recently, as in this past Sunday, I had a very real and almost sickeningly brutal awakening and was forced to once again ask the ever unanswered question; “When is enough enough?”
When does empathy border on masochism?
When does tolerance become a soul destroying kindness?
What makes a loving, careful and relatively sane person blink into murdering?
How do you know when you’ve crossed ‘the line’?
Years ago, when I was the precious, vulnerable and impressionable age of 19, I fell into a destructive, violently abusive relationship. Life altering changes had my world literally crumbling around me and I lost everything of value to me. I was scarred, ashamed and completely bereft of any sense of self worth. A predator found and then slithered in beside me, his lascivious smile and forked tongue sweet with an exacting venom. A skilled abuser practiced in the art of seduction and manipulation. A terrorist in the truest sense of the word.
I was naive to the awareness of such cruel beings. I’m not sure that I have ever fully recovered from that sting, the cruelty of that person or those events which, often times, still have me waking up in cold terror. But, somehow, my guardian angel (oh yes, I have one!) led me into the arms of a friend who wrapped me in love and generosity, away from the blood and the beatings and the battle for domination and breathed new life into a mind intent on suicide and a body abused by men.
It was an unspeakable time.
Painful, chaotic, hazed in a cloud of cocaine and bankrupt of any compassion, humanity or understanding. Filled with greed, ridicule, violence and degradation. A place I swore never to find myself in again. Ever. My revisiting that place is almost always provoked and I am never, ever grateful to the provoker.
My mother made me revisit that place two weeks ago.
Her acrid tongue brought back my shame.
P made me visit that place this past Sunday.
Her physicality brought back my abuse.
Simple, selfish acts that have given rise to grotesque, monstrous memories and a kaleidoscope of fractured, dangerous feelings curling in my belly like a pit of snakes awakening, biting and piercing my flesh. Their insidious slippery bodies sliding under my skin, filling my veins, their venom paralyzing my heart. Killing my empathy for the bastard deeds of the insensitive and the selfish.
I can not forgive endlessly.
I can not bear the cutting edge stoically.
My flesh is human, my heart of my essence.
The line is visible.
And I want to cross it.
September 11th, 2012 at 11:42 am
Can only say that my thoughts are deeply with you…
September 11th, 2012 at 11:44 am
And that is enough for me :) At times this really is just a place to unload ya know? Thanks Ann xo
September 11th, 2012 at 3:34 pm
if your words were just a little less engaging and brilliant, i might be able to read them without reacting…
September 11th, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Ann, you do make me smile (and bolster my ego) even when i don’t really want to. it’s a special gift. i feel lucky that you’ve found me. thank you
September 11th, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Deep as shit. You’re awesome for sharing this.
September 11th, 2012 at 3:57 pm
It is isn’t..life is so full :)
September 11th, 2012 at 10:30 pm
That must have sounded so lame lol. I was on the streetcar heading home from class and wanted to respond using my iphone but it kept giving me grief…hence the brevity of my msg. think in future I’ll just stick to the computer for dialogue on this blog haha. thanks for the awesome eboni, and you already know how i feel about you ;)
September 11th, 2012 at 2:34 pm
So sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing!
September 11th, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Thanks Tersiaburger. I appreciate your comment :)
September 11th, 2012 at 6:15 pm
As a survivor, no longer a victim, I know what it feels like to be thrown back down the rabbit hole. You need to protect yourself by removing yourself from relationships and situations where your hard earned healing can be compromised or destroyed. Take care of the precious person who is you.
September 11th, 2012 at 9:58 pm
I really hesitate to “like” this post. the pain is too palpable & familiar. even though it is drenched in pain, your writing is downright exquisite. I do pray you find peace of mind.
September 11th, 2012 at 10:11 pm
Thank you for your empathy, Stacy, though I am sorry that you even can. What a sweeter world it would be without some knowledge, but then I suppose every experience teaches us something? Take care of you. And again, thank you so much. I do appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. It helps ;)
September 12th, 2012 at 2:00 am
I’m just so very sorry that are being sent back to that place…
September 12th, 2012 at 10:11 am
…but only so far, turtle. only so far. i still taste the bitterness of bile from a time so etched in memory, but my mind has grown stronger and my weaknesses more manageable. i have learned my worth. seeing the line is a good thing ;)
September 13th, 2012 at 3:28 am
Yes indeed t.dot! That is a very good thing!!
On another note, how’s school? My classes begin the 24th of this month. I’m enrolled in 10 credit hours….a bit scary, but there is more than just a new career to my madness…a big step towards being self-supporting and gaining freedom from a dead marriage….awaits.
December 20th, 2012 at 3:02 pm
I had no idea you had written this until now turtle!!! I have been so out of the loop since starting school :( How are YOU? Is school as all consuming for you as it is for me? Sigh. Dead marraige huh? I can relate. Congrats to you for making the steps in the direction you want to move in! It’s not easy! I know. Write soon and I promise to respond. Holidays are a wonderful thing! <3
September 12th, 2012 at 7:19 am
Your courage is humbling, and your heart so tenderly human!
September 12th, 2012 at 10:08 am
you’re so sweet, daniela. always something huggable to say. i love that about you! thank you ;)
September 12th, 2012 at 5:10 pm
I really like “I can not forgive endlessly”
September 14th, 2012 at 12:10 am
And it’s oh so true isn’t it ;)
September 30th, 2012 at 11:03 am
To pass through and press the “like” button on such a powerful, powerful piece of someone’s life seems entirely inadequate. Where’s the “deeply moved” button when you need it? Wow… in the silent and jaw-dropped sense.
October 1st, 2012 at 12:08 am
aww…chris, that was by far the sweetest random comment I have received on this blog so far. Thank you, my word-press friend. i really appreciate the sentiment and having you ‘pass though”. namaste :)