Back in the days of “free love”, Martin Luther King and JFK, when everyone was fighting for civil rights and the abolishment of racism, prejudice and war, there was an equally innocent and alarmingly growing population of people who were left undefended. Invisible for all intents and purposes. Uncared for, unwanted and unloved. Without a voice and without rights they were born into this world not by choice, but by the careless whisper of seduction and the accidental meeting of ova and seed.
Orphans. The Forgotten Children.
I know because I am one.
We were housed in homes that neglected us, abused us and only took us in for the government cheque issued once a month for our care. And if no home could be found for us, we were placed in government run, impersonal, dehumanizing, inhumane orphanages. I have experienced both and the memories are not kind.
The 60′s were not enlightened, protective times for abandoned children. Like a strange breed of cattle, we were cloistered, tagged, and herded behind dark and angry walls. Dressed in ill fitting clothes, fed three squares of slop a day, and left to sleep on questionably clean, threadbare cots made of metal coils and cold steel frames. Crushed up side by side in neat little rows, we led anything but neat little lives.
I think the worst days for me were the ‘begging’ days. The days when a comb was run through our hair; our shirts, pants and skirts straightened; spittle and thumbs used to wipe that smudge of dirt off our cheeks, and then forced to smile as we were put on display. Paraded in front of any and all perspective ‘parents’ who, with a cursory glance, had the power to own us or leave us to our fate; their biological brats sitting pretty and clean and pious, eying us and despising us for even thinking we had a right to their life.
On one such occasion, my new family was in attendance. A tall, dark haired man with kind, laughing eyes would soon become my ‘dad’. A small, quiet boy, 3 years younger than I, with a shock of blonde hair and big blue eyes would soon become my ‘obnoxious little brother’. A plain looking girl, 3 years older than I, with curly brown hair and sly green eyes would soon become my ‘sister’. I sensed she was going to be trouble. I was right. And the woman I was soon to call ‘mother’ seemed to look right through me. Strange that I have no clearer memory of her in that moment. It’s just sort of…blank.
They had come to take me out for the day and the staff had warned me to be on my “best behavior”. This could lead to me being chosen if I “played my cards right”. They told me to smile. More. I tried. But my face felt stiff and my heart rock heavy. I had been through this all before. Many times.
I smiled anyhow. Big and bright and wide. It never touched my eyes. Once brown and sweet and trusting, they had turned black and cold and angry. I tried not to look bitter.
I always had a hard time smiling on ‘begging’ days. On any day for that matter. I think my smile disappeared just around the time I discovered it. There hadn’t been time to fill the proverbial halls with my innocent laughter. No time to revel in the joys of becoming a carefree child. By the time I was 4 years old, I understood what it felt like to whore myself and my child withered up and died.
August 10th, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Thank you.
August 10th, 2012 at 10:58 pm
thank you ;)
August 10th, 2012 at 7:39 pm
I was a 60′s adopted child and I was always made to remember what they (my adopted parents) did for me. It was a sad time for kids all around as we were still in the “seen and not heard” era. You seem to of come out of it pretty well though. Good luck to you.
August 10th, 2012 at 10:58 pm
thanks lauramomma27 :) still here and still kickin lol. we survivors rock. look forward to checking out your site as well. thx for reading a bit of me :)
August 10th, 2012 at 8:11 pm
Former Crown Ward (aka Ward of the State) here. I happened to come by to read this not knowing it was about foster care because of the title “Mommy Nearest” as my mother was Mommy Dearest. By this I mean she has the same disorder Joan Crawford aka Mommy Dearest had. Thanks for your sharing this part of your past with everyone…not always easy to talk about. Much respect to you :)
August 10th, 2012 at 10:55 pm
thanks again you. it was an intentional play. i have two mothers. both were difficult, but i would have to say the genetic one was more like Mommy Dearest. it’s a tough path, know. and i am so sorry that we have so much in common :( no child should have to suffer – at all. stay beautiful and enjoy being you. can’t wait to discover just exactly who that is! :)
August 10th, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Wow – this is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
August 10th, 2012 at 8:35 pm
Wow. What an incredible story you have … and incredible strength.
August 10th, 2012 at 10:50 pm
thank you so much ‘lunatic’ ;) it’s been a journey. still is lol
August 10th, 2012 at 8:38 pm
ps…I’m going to work my way through your other posts on here as I now see this is part of a series. I see like me your mom is also a lesbian…odd to pop over on a whim and find right off things that are similar to my life. I like your way of writing and it sounds (er..reads) like you have much to share. Peace.
August 10th, 2012 at 10:50 pm
i do. lol. i really really do ;)
August 10th, 2012 at 9:26 pm
This is really beautifully written.
August 10th, 2012 at 10:45 pm
and so was your praise ;) thank you. sincerely
August 10th, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Powerful post.
August 10th, 2012 at 10:44 pm
thank you so much kylie!
August 11th, 2012 at 12:48 am
Very moving, Thanks for sharing
August 11th, 2012 at 12:49 am
Very moving! Thanks for sharing!
August 11th, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Thank you, Streetcar!
August 11th, 2012 at 2:03 am
what a beautiful story you have!!
Do you mind checking out my blog, its new and your opinion would mean the world to me !
Thanks and love the posts !!
August 11th, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Absolutely!!! How could I turn down such a…compliment lol? I’m away visiting with my sister right now and there’s a lot going on, but when I am home next week, I will give your blog the attention it deserves. Promise. If I can help in anyway, I will. Expect to hear from me soon! Thanks for taking the time to write me :)
August 11th, 2012 at 2:07 am
I am touched by your words beyond description-such a silent,powerful and meaningful writing!!!Thank you for this post.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:27 pm
Thank you for such an inspiring response Kaberi – what a pretty name lol – I appreciate the praise and will carry it with me always. Hugz to you ;)
August 12th, 2012 at 1:31 pm
:)
August 11th, 2012 at 2:29 am
You really painted a picture with words. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that and I hope life has been good to you since then.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:25 pm
It has! Thank you so much for your thoughts. ;)
August 11th, 2012 at 2:44 am
How incredibly brave of you to share this story!
August 11th, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Some things just have to come out of us. Thank you Luxien2010. ;)
August 11th, 2012 at 3:09 am
Reading this post and then looking at your picture, and seeing that your eyes have gone brown and sweet again (trusting, i couldn’t tell…that takes a face-to-face gander!), i can say only this: i want to read this book. your writing is incredible. i am moved. and i am following.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:23 pm
This is probably the BEST response a girl could hope for! Honestly. Ann, you have touched my heart so deeply with your unexpected sweet kindness and motivational words. What a beautiful soul you are. Just…beautiful. Thank you so much!!! And yes damn it, I will write that book just for YOU to read lol!
August 12th, 2012 at 2:08 pm
you have no idea how much i’d anticipate it…as a writer, i don’t believe in giving false comments…i meant every word of it. and your daughter, by the way, is incredible. you’ve done a lot of things right, by the looks of it.
August 12th, 2012 at 3:31 pm
aww thx you! she made it easy for me ;)
August 11th, 2012 at 3:44 am
Nice post, This is really a beautiful post!
August 11th, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Thanks you so much Nidhi! Means so much to hear that ;)
August 11th, 2012 at 4:26 am
very nice strong post
August 11th, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Thanks so much for stopping here to see me :)
August 11th, 2012 at 5:46 am
Hi t.dot. My heart always twists when I hear of children that weren’t shown love. What a waste of beautiful potential. I think maybe with you that child that you say died inside of you might just be buried or locked away perhaps? I say this because you’ve been able to identify this child’s existence. I hope that it can come back to life for you; children find magic in flowers that grow by the side of the road and rainbows that appear on grey days, and it’s this childish appreciation of simple things that get’s me through.
Anyway, I feel really inspired by your bravery-not just in posting this, but in the spirit you have. It comes out in your words and they flow, really tell a story, in the flesh-style. I’ve learnt something from this, so thank you.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Wow. What a beautiful response. Sally, I see magic and rainbows nearly every day of my life. It’s a beautiful place to be. I see the good in humanity and accept its limitations and imperfections and forgive where others might not. I never truly lost my childish appreciation. But things did go black for a long time. When I had my own daughter, I found my child again, and I have held her close ever since.Thank you for posting this for me to read. If I have inspired just one person in this life and taught them something meaningful, then I am a fulfilled and happier human being. And you telling me this has made me expressing my life in words, so worth the reveal. Thank you. So so much.
August 11th, 2012 at 6:12 am
“By the time I was 4 years old, I understood what it felt like to whore myself and my child withered up and died.” This pains me, because my daughter is 4 and contending with things she shouldn’t, but I have tried, in my less than ideal way, to protect her from them. In the end, they are nothing quite as awful as what you have been through, and I commend you on your honesty and on surviving what no child should ever have to endure.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Just keep loving her, protecting her as best as you can and remind her every day how special she is to you. The rest is not always in our control baby. Just breathe, love her and take it one day at a time :) I will come and visit you soon! Hang in and take care of both of you. Hugz xo
August 11th, 2012 at 8:23 am
thank you
August 11th, 2012 at 9:09 pm
you are welcome ;) rightbackatcha
August 11th, 2012 at 8:27 am
Loving your visceral sincerity. More power to you!
August 11th, 2012 at 9:08 pm
Awesome response! Thanks ;)
August 11th, 2012 at 9:41 am
Thank you for your heartfelt story. I am sorry that you had to experience such drams at such a young age. I can’t promise to read all you have written but I will check in from time to time to see where you are going and how you are doing. I know that what you write is real but always – real or fiction – I look , with great hope, that she/he who writes does find the strength to grow and move beyond their past circumstances. One book you might find very interesting to read is Kim Edward’s THE MEMORY KEEPERS DAUGHTER. I only suggest it because I find that so often we do not understand why people do what they do but given a chance to see through their eyes , we are able to see into our own eyes. Take care of yourself. Be happy. Be strong. Be full of love!
August 11th, 2012 at 9:06 pm
Thank you so much! I will, I am, I am and I am! And I will most definitely check out this book! :)
August 11th, 2012 at 9:53 am
This is sad and beautifully written. I am glad to have found you via Freshly Pressed.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Thank you, Pat. How sweet to say so ;)
August 11th, 2012 at 11:00 am
You told your story and burned the image in my mind. I am sorry and hope you have found your own peace.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Then I have succeeded in my mission ;) Thank you so much for your kind words. Really ;)
August 11th, 2012 at 12:29 pm
I hope you keep writing because it helps.Had a hang of a childhood myself but it pales to yours I bet.I will go back and read because I think this needs to be thought out.Blessings
August 11th, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Thanks Lexiesnana! Sorry life has been tough. I will keep writing cuz it does help me work through my stuff. You can never make comparisons from one life to another. Your pain is just as real and important as mine. All I can hope for is that we are both happier and kinder people to those we love, especially our children, because of what we’ve learned. Namaste my friend.
August 11th, 2012 at 3:44 pm
How beautifully you write!! It is so sad that you never enjoyed a happy childhood. I will go through your other posts now as I am intrigued – I sincerely hope that you are now a happy adult and parent. My BFF had a terribly sad childhood too and remained haunted until her death by the injustice and sadness of it. I was one of the luckiest people in the world – we (my siblings and I) had a wonderful, carefree childhood. I often said to my BFF that if I could give her one gift only it would have been the gift of a happy childhood! Thank you for sharing your pain with me.
August 11th, 2012 at 8:54 pm
Thank you for you kind words, tersiaburger and I’m sure your BFF felt lucky to have you in her life. I know my best friends are my true family and without them, life would be so empty. I am a happy adult! Life is still challenging – when isn’t it? hahaha – but I work through it one day at a time. I am sincerely glad that you were one of the lucky ones :) I don’t feel unlucky tho, all my experiences have made me who I am and they have led me to touch wonderful people like you. xo
August 11th, 2012 at 4:05 pm
I started writing after a tragedy in my life, stumbled on this post by accident, came up on the newly pressed links in wordpress. I am happy to see that things worked well for you. I guess we should not lose faith but just hold on i guess.
August 11th, 2012 at 8:49 pm
That’s right, Injinuity! Never EVER let go! Hugz
August 11th, 2012 at 4:22 pm
Very enlightening and moving. I can only imagine the pain you must have endured. Sending warm thoughts your way.
August 11th, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Thank you so much. I am here now, not there. And here is so much better ;) I hold your warm thoughts near to my heart. Namaste
August 11th, 2012 at 5:22 pm
Your sad words are written so beautifully.
August 11th, 2012 at 8:44 pm
Thank you for that :) It means a lot to know my words are appreciated. Hugz
August 11th, 2012 at 9:10 pm
What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger, so they say. Thank you for sharing such a personal level of your life
August 11th, 2012 at 9:33 pm
Bionic Woman ain’t got nothin on me! Lol. Thanks for that Cathy :) You’re welcome!
August 11th, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Hi there, pleased to find you.Great blog.
August 11th, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Thanks oh so much Von! Glad you found me :)
August 12th, 2012 at 8:42 pm
So glad to find you blog. What a heartwrenching story. God bless you. My husband, from India, dedicated his life to the youth, working in orphanges and caring for children. Children should be happy and carefree…I pray God blesses you to make up for all the troubles. Holly
August 12th, 2012 at 10:10 pm
Thank you, Holly! I am blessed. I have love and light in my life and a daughter who fills my heart to capacity. I have a survived and am a better human being for having done so. Namaste.
August 16th, 2012 at 3:06 pm
As an adopted child of the 70s, your story touches my heart. I took for granted the question from a 1st grade classmate “what was it like to grow up inan orphanage?” after Annie came out at the movies, because I’d been adopted right out of the hospital. I thought was an idiot because she’d known me all my life, I never stopped to think about all those children who had grown up wirh that kind of life. Thank you.
August 17th, 2012 at 2:14 pm
thank you Isurrett2. i’m truly happy that you found a place to call home! it touches my heart to hear that ;)
September 5th, 2012 at 4:01 pm
I just recently discovered your blog and your “Mommy Nearest” post is only the second one I’ve read, but I was a follower after reading your first. So, like another commenter, I have some catching up to do. I’m so very glad that you were able to hang in through all of the hard and horrible times to emerge on the other side of them.Clearly you have managed to do so with much of value to share with the world. I’m also happy that the birth of your daughter became the beginning of the rebirth of your own inner child, who it seems is doing rather better now. I love your writing. Take good care!
September 5th, 2012 at 11:14 pm
awww that was so sweet! thanks strolling turtle :)
March 1st, 2013 at 11:45 pm
Breathless…once again
March 2nd, 2013 at 3:22 pm
blushing a little ;)