So, I began the first part of this post (Intimate Perceptions #1 , for those of you new to this blog it’s about 10 posts back – before my onslaught of nostalgic poetry posts last night cuz I was feeling all wet and gooey and sexy lol)…k that was clearly too much information and text to try and hide in the guise of a footnote in brackets! Eh hem, moving forward…
I began this post by saying that I am perplexed about the roles in lesbian relationships, ie; “who is the boy and who is the girl?” Might sound an odd question to some of you, and it is indeed a very ‘straight-minded’ question to ask, but it is MY question just the same. Since coming out I have met such a complex and diverse group of women aged 20 to 64. Beautiful, strong and courageous women all unique in their own way. Many of them, thankfully, have been patient with this late bloomer in my quest to find answers to…well, everything lesbian hahaha! Hey, there is no Lesbian 101 Guide Book on this shit so, a girl has to do what a girl has to do!
I guess the true reason for this post is because I am still having trouble, after nearly four years, reconciling myself to the fact that my ‘boi’ is often times a bigger ‘girlee’ girl then me! It has caused me many uncomfortable moments, and anguish. It’s made me question my own role in our relationship. Even to this day.
I come from a heterosexual background yes, but, that doesn’t mean that roles in relationships have to be completely defined for me. I am sooo not about the ‘box’. I LIVE and BREATHE outside the box, just so we’re clear. But, I will admit that this distinction does make it a little easier to find a comfortable groove if you are someone used to relationship roles being defined. I mean, I don’t want to argue over who has the better toolbox or who gets to wear the dress, although in my relationship that is not an issue. I wear the dress lol. P wouldn’t be caught dead in one. But, we are a wee bit competitive when it comes to our tools! I’ve always had a toolbox. I like building, creating and fixing. I’m not spectacular at it and I know my limitations, but I am handy that way. My ex-hubby was not inclined to build and repair, so it was my job for 16 years. And we were both ok with that. However, in this woman to woman dynamic, testosterone is cloistered in an outpouring of estrogen and it all gets ridiculously messy and unmanageable at times.
Maybe, I should tell you a little bit more about my girl?
As mentioned before, her name is Paula (for blog purposes) and from this point forward I will refer to her as P. Now P is a 54 year old butch woman – she was 50 when we met. According to what I’ve learned about the types of lesbians there are (in the first half of this post), she is a soft butch. She has known she liked girls from the age of 8, had her first ‘copped’ feel of a breast while playing ‘doctor’ when she was 14 and had her first lesbian sexual encounter when she was 17. In short, she’s been gay forever. She has slept with a man or two, never with any enthusiasm and it was done only to try and appease her Catholic mother. Yup, P is Catholic, not practicing mind you, but once a Catholic…well. Jeesh. Don’t get me started on the guilt of the Catholic!
P is about 5′ 8”, weighs about 230 lbs, works out religiously but, has emotional eating issues which defeat her workouts. She beats herself up about that a lot, but hey, we all deal with our stuff in our own way. And she has lots of stuff :( P is like a bull in china shop. She doesn’t sensor herself in anyway, wears her heart on her sleeve and is convinced she’s missing the gene that allows her to understand and function in relationships. Because of that we have had much much MUCH turmoil. I have that gene.
In many ways P is still that angry little girl waiting in the corner whom I mentioned in the post: eX’s a nO nO. Abandoned, sexually abused and spitting mad at the world. Her insecurities are justified, to an extent, and so is her anger. But, she is also a complete and utter, licensed and full blown control freak! Again, another reason why we have much much MUCH turmoil. I have a lot of those same issues, I’ve just learned how to compromise. She hasn’t. But she’s working on it now. Yay! And no matter how you slice it, P is the ‘boi’ in this relationship. She has the attitude, the gruffness, the appearance, and she’s a top. I absolutely adore the boy in her. It’s the girl I have a problem with…
Now before you go off half cocked and accuse me of wanting a man in a womans body, let me explain.
When I met P she came across as butch. Unquestionably. She even wore the costume, although I didn’t know there was such a thing at the time. Her hair was short, she wore boys jeans, t’s and runners and actually owned a flannel plaid shirt! She got the tattoo for her 50th b’day. She was loud and opinionated – sometimes a little obnoxious – bold in her sexual advances, touched me emotionally, spiritually and physically in ways I didn’t know I could be touched. I was in heaven. All in all, she was this femme’s dream boi. Within a few short months though, I was introduced to the other fish in the Pisces equation. Equally large and equally dominant. The girl. And I had no idea what to do with her.
She complained, was never satisfied with anything it seemed, was insecure as hell, whined a lot, had a high pitched voice reminiscent of Minnie Mouse when she nagged, and oh my god! I wanted to run for cover every time she came out. And many times I did! She totally freaked me out. But, you know who kept bringing me back? And still does? Yup. The boy. The lover. The one who romanticized and seduced and elicited a sexual response from me that soon became like a drug. I was soooo hooked. Still am. Damn him.
Oh crap! I have to go. Dr’s appt in half an hour lol. This blogging is super addictive and sorry for the use of an expression that pisses you off Waggcomedy, but time really does fly! Lol. Looks like there will be an Intimate Perceptions #3. I need to conclude my thoughts!
Till then…Namaste my lovelies. I hope you smile through your day! ;)
Next post: Intimate Perception #3