Feelin’ Chrisette…

Just FYI about the recent reblog. NOT feeling that way anymore, but I can still relate to the heartfelt sentiments of Felicity. She is one of those bloggers who speaks on the frailty, strength and humanness of being human. I love her words. Her heart. Her zest for writing. And for love.

Speaking of love lol…

I found this little ditty today in my listening to music. Remembering. Musing. And finally clearing out old and painful memorabilia. It’s amazing how liberating freedom actually is. I truly had no idea. I thought I would slide back down the rabbit hole, but just the opposite has happened. I am happy. Really really happy. It’s crazy…

Anyhow. So feelin’ Chrisette Michele right now. She’s on my play list today. I felt the need to share cuz I’m dancing around in a swirl of happy. And I like it!

I’m not sure if I am ever going to give up this blog. It’s like an old friend who is always here to listen and never judge. And all the amazing connects I have made here are powerful, inspiring and quite simply put, lovely :) Who else am I gonna share my special kinda crazy with? Lol

So, an amendment is in order. Again.

In a much better space. Think I might just stick around lol.

For me. My piece of mind. Self expression. And this stupid crazy passion for writing.

No more sadness. No more past reflection on old love. No more tears.

And hopefully, no more heartache.

Just me. Here. Present. Living in the moment.

Open to life.

Open to love.

Sweet sweet love.

I know it won’t leave me out…

ah…la sigh

life ;)

Okay…On with the song… click if you care to sing along!

Love the lyrics :)

Liberating shit…You know, girlz. One of those songs.

“Love Won’t Leave Me Out”

Here I go with my heart wide open
I’m all frustrated again
Yeah I locked the door, threw away the key
Said I’ll never let no one in
I was gullible, I was wrapped up in the web you caught me in
So vulnerable
True love lost it’s meaning

And after self-evaluation
I found I lost me in translation
See the girl with the broken heart
See the girl with the ugly scars
Is now the girl with the brand new start

Now I know how to love somebody
I’ve learned love is out there for me
No love there’s no way that love forgot
Love won’t leave me out
I know how to love somebody
I’ve learned love will come back to me
No love there’s no way that love forgot
Love won’t leave me out

It’s amazing to know how far you could go on hope with no doubt
It’s the way love goes
It’ll take you through and it always brings you out
It won’t leave you stranded
Though you may feel abandoned
My experience is my evidence

And with a little evaluation
I found I got a whole lot of patience
Now the girl with the broken heart
And the girl with the ugly scars
Is now the girl with the brand new start

Now I know how to love somebody
I’ve learned love is out there for me
No love there’s no way that love forgot
Love won’t leave me out
I know how to love somebody
I’ve learned love will come back to me
No love there’s no way that love forgot
Love won’t leave me out

I can feel my heart again
This time I’m not afraid
I can open up my ear
Hear what true love’s got to say
This time I want it all
No matter run or fall
I won’t hold back at all when love calls

Now I know how to love somebody
I’ve learned love is out there for me
No love there’s no way that love forgot
Love won’t leave me out
I know how to love somebody
I’ve learned love will come back to me
No love there’s no way that love forgot
Love won’t leave me out

No, no, no
It’s not gonna leave me out, no, no
I’ve come so far
I’ve come so far for love to leave me out like this
Oh yea
Oh it didn’t forget about me
Love won’t leave me out

………………………………………………………………………..

~Nope~I don’t believe it will ;) ~

Haunt

t.dot:

Funny how I keep finding you in my head Felicity. You truly know how to express the deepest and most profound of emotions. Hugz sweetie xo

Originally posted on The Dark Night Chronicles:

I’m the loser who keeps going back to our old haunts. Who keeps looking for your face reflected behind me in the plate glass of a shop window, in the mirror of our duck pond, in my rearview. Who wonders why the fuck I care when you don’t. I check for you in the coffee shop, in the library, in the movie theater. I watch your television show, over and over. I listen to that horrible song, just because it was your favorite. I make your favorite sandwich when I’d rather have something different.

I check for your number on the phone, your address in the email, your zipcode in the mailbox. I see if you’ve updated your status, or commented on someone elses’.

I have no life left. All my time is spent looking for you, in all those old familiar places. Like the song. You wouldn’t listen to…

View original 42 more words

Bittersweet Goodbyes

it’s the 2nd anniversary

to the day

the very day

i moved

out of her

and into

me

~not by my design~

my heart belonged to her

~

2 years…exactly

huh.

~

fitting, I suppose

that on this day

this very same day

I am moving

out of her

and back into

me

again

~this time. by design~

in reclamation

of my heart

~

…wow…

~

This blog is finally done.

What a bittersweet. Goodbye.

There. Are. Actually. No. More. Words.

I can release.

Myself.

From here.

I am finally.

Free.

release

~

Disconnected: Back To Barrie

I thought going to Toronto
Was going to be a
Healing
Affirming
Thing

I was wrong.

I was filled with such hope.
Such light.
Such love.
The song
Of possibility
Played deep in my soul.

I was dreaming again.

On the verge.

Of change…

And now.

All hope has died.
The light is dark.
The love will grow cold.
And the song
Of heartbreak
Is playing in repeat.

Enough. Enough. Enough!
I hate that fucking song.
No more damn it!
No more…

On the bus now
Heading back to Barrie
Where a broken heart waits
Still hoping
That I will heal it.

I have been so mistaken.

So foolish.

Longing for something

That spits me out

In pieces

Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

How can I be so blind?

So wrong?

So gullible?

Toronto.

I thought you were

My salvation.

My perfection.

My bliss.

I was wrong.

You’re filled with ashes and hurt.

Stained with my tears.

And you’re not my home.

Anymore.

The love affair is over.

I’m disconnecting.

image

If You Forget Me

I want you to know 
one thing. 

You know how this is: 
if I look 
at the crystal moon, at the red branch 
of the slow autumn at my window, 
if I touch 
near the fire 
the impalpable ash 
or the wrinkled body of the log, 
everything carries me to you, 
as if everything that exists, 
aromas, light, metals, 
were little boats 
that sail 
toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 
if little by little you stop loving me 
I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 
you forget me 
do not look for me, 
for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 
the wind of banners 
that passes through my life, 
and you decide 
to leave me at the shore 
of the heart where I have roots, 
remember 
that on that day, 
at that hour, 
I shall lift my arms 
and my roots will set off 
to seek another land. 

But 
if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower 
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 
without leaving mine.

by Pablo Neruda

Sometimes you find a poem right out of the blue that speaks to your life almost  verbatim.

Hmmm…more words.

Still listening.

Disconnected

Riding the GO bus to Toronto. Forgot my ear buds so this 2 1/2 hour ride feels endless already and I’m only on the first leg.

A friend posted a beautiful piece on Facebook from Maya Angelou called Love Liberates. In it she talks about her mother and how she liberated her by loving her unconditionally. No matter what. And she always called her Baby even when Maya herself became a mother at 17. I am always touched deeply when I listen to Maya. Or read her. Or look at her smile. I have a picture of her on my phone that l look to often for inspiration. Or strength. She truly was a most remarkable woman. I hope to be as impactual in my own small way before I die.

I think I’ve figured out why I feel so disconnected. And why I have been feeling this since moving from Toronto to Barrie last November. I thought it was because I was missing my friends and family – which I am missing terribly.

But it’s more then that.

I thought it might even be that I was missing someone who left me not so long ago – which I do at times. Terribly. I’ve decided I don’t do well with abandonment. It’s been allowed to run too rampant throughout this lifetime. Too wild. Too freely. To painfully. From birth till now.

But it’s more then that.

I thought it might be that I was missing a connection to a city I know almost as well as my face, so long I have lived in it. A city that has birthed me. Destroyed my innocence. Hurt me to my core. And brought me great love. I have a dubious relationship with my home town. But it is my home just the same. I’ve literally bled on its streets and birthed my own within its cold concrete walls.

But it’s more then that.

No. This feeling of disconnect is not attached to any person, place or thing. It is because of a divide that has occurred deep within me. And I finally recognize it for what it is…

Being a Gemini is sometimes a curse and a gift but in this instance it is the former. Before moving to Barrie and living the lifestyle of a pampered princess – which actually goes against everything I have ever stood for – I lived in the trenches so to speak. I didn’t have a lot of money. Needed government assurance. Let my ex-husband lend me a helping hand more times then I care to admit…but I was happy. I had my volunteer work with marginalized communities. Was in school for Community Work – am honor student no less – and I felt like I finally had a direction again. It had been a rough couple of years prior to going back to school at 50. But if nothing else, I am a survivor. And more importantly, I felt useful. Like I had a purpose. Like I was making a difference in people’s lives. No matter how small. And it made me feel…

Complete.
Connected.

In a Self way. Connected to my most inner need of giving and selflessness. Yup. I am that person. The one who stands in front of rolling tanks in Tiananmen Square in protest again the violation of civil rights. Or rides in the section marked Whites Only. Or buys the homeless hot chocolate on bitter winter days. Even when I barely have enough myself, I recognize that I have more then they. It’s just who I am. And I like that about myself. I always have.

Since moving to Barrie, none of that is my life anymore. Actually very little has gone the way I had hoped it would. I take responsibility for much of that. I can explain away and rationalize most of this life gone awry. But I can’t ignore the fact that the gaping hole in my life is from the fact that I have disconnected from my Self in a way that hurts my soul…

And I can’t even begin to explain why. Not even to myself.

Hmm…more to come. Bus is arriving in Toronto now. Woot! Hello Gorgeous :)

Just found this. I think the Universe is trying to tell me something very profound today.

I’m listening…

image

Dear Abby

Seems I am destined
To pay for my mistakes
Even when I’m no longer
Making them.
Does the judgment
Ever stop
Or is it simply
The judge that changes?

Feeling very much like a caged bird today. And you see that little island over there? Just left of center? Well, it’s looking mighty fucking fine right about now…

Is it me?
Is it really truly
Me?

Or has life always been this ridiculous?

For the past few weeks I have been craving connection. Not sure if it’s with someone or something or somewhere. But whatever it is, the need is strong. Palpable. My mind is in overdrive. The force that drives me; the thing that fires my passion. Is missing. And I feel it’s loss like a phantom limb.

I am beyond restless.

I visited a friend recently in Toronto. She needed a vent session. So I provided. Dear Abby. That’s me. Been playing that role for years. Thought it might ease the tension I’m feeling. To slip into an old familiar role. Lord knows she’s done it enough times for me.

Seems her relationship barely 3 months in, had come to a forgone concluded end. It was a horrible match. The woman oozed praise and accolades punched by sweet seductive kisses. And wanted to fuck 24/7. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem for my friend. But the sex came with…conditions.

Subtle, then not so subtle, increasing demands slipped in during the glow of aftermath. Women can be such devious creatures.

Quite quickly this woman set about the task of recreating my friend. She licked her and said she was oh so yummy…but could she change her hair…maybe wear this type of shirt instead of that type…kiss her like this and not like that…oh! maybe wear this cologne instead. Kissie kissie Love you. Muah….

Red flag? Call me crazy. But run!

And apparently she was insatiable. Wanted sex all the time. Any intimate gesture was taken as a prelude to sex. My friend, who has a very healthy sexual appetite, told me making love to this woman had become a chore. Seriously? How does that even happen in less then 3 months??? The list of transgressions grew and my heart ached for my friend who is the epitome of old school butch and sweetness.

I’ve asked it before and I’m sure I’ll ask it again. Why can’t people just accept you for who you are? The skin-thin wrapper on the packaging is plain to see through from the get go. If you don’t like chocolate, then look for fucking vanilla! I don’t get it. Why do we have to change to such extreme degrees. To be loved?

Anyway. During the course of our session – me playing wise friend and she relying heavily on my input – I asked her why she stayed as long as she did. Why on earth was she so heavily invested when failure was so apparent almost from the start.

Seemed like valid questions.

She gave me this silly lopsided smile and said “If you don’t jump in with both feet, how will you know if it’s gonna work or not? Standing on the sidelines will always leave you longing, lonely and unloved.”

Ugh.

I stand corrected.

I am not Dear Abby.

And I am not as wise as I thought.