my first follower on this blog appeared like a bright and shiny beacon on a dark and stormy night. cliche, i know. but, it actually was a dark and stormy night when i started this blog. i was adrift in an emotional abyss of confusion and uncertainty, blogging my heart out to a black sea of facelessness, having no idea where I was heading or what choppy waters awaited me and my flimsy, bare-skinned raft.
and then she appeared. literally out of nowhere.
a twenty-something from Manhattan. bisexual. beautiful. and from all accounts. rich. she was struggling, clearly trying to find her identity in so many ways. a witty, intelligent and expressive writer whom i have enjoyed reading over and over again. she blogs her heart and passion with eloquent, meaningful prose and has touched my emotional, sensitive soul. relating to her fears, her wants, her hurts and her desires, i wanted to share with her all of my fears and wants and hurts and desires too. there were times when her honesty reverberated so deep inside of me that when she cried, i wanted to reach through the screen and hold her. to ease the ache of her heart.
i breathed her in and the scent was intoxicating. reveling in the heady power of shared wonder and joy. the hope in loves fresh bloom. so sweet and innocent. her wanting, her lust, her dreaming, her sacrifice and ultimately, her frustration. i understood the need in that wanting and the depths she would sink to, to satisfy her lover. i knew how important was acceptance. and i feared for her in that vulnerability. she has no idea how amazing she truly is. that her light shines so much brighter then the love she so desperately seeks. but she is young. there is still time for her to learn the truth of her value.
often, in her late night blogging with liquor loosening her tongue and me in my late night reading, with liquor sharpening my hearing, i have connected so intimately with her that to simply embrace her with my complete understanding was something i felt compelled to do. so she would truly know that she was not alone. that someone out here really understood her heart and her mind as much as another human being can.
i’m not sure why she has affected me so deeply, but she has.
i follow her here. from miles of distance. offering sage advise and sometimes laughter when i know she feels broken. she doesn’t write as often anymore and that saddens me. i am one of several loyal, addicted fans and want so many good things to happen for her. maybe her dreams of love are shattered? maybe her world has crashed and she can’t mend the pieces? maybe her girl has left?
i sincerely hope not.
hopefully she writes again soon.
i am her friend although we have never met.
and i have missed her.
yes gen, this is for you.