Funny the things that come to mind when big changes are about to happen. Like moving from somewhere familiar to somewhere not so familar. Suddenly walking down the “same ol street” is filled with bittersweet memories of times shared in that space with someone long gone. The laughter still echoes around each corner, the tears barely dry from a hurt spoken on that very sidewalk, the kisses goodbye at that very bus stop…
I don’t often wish to go back in time. Not really. I may have a sentimental remembering… or be nostalgic for a time sweetened by the rapture of love… or want a do-over for the ‘one that got away’ – sigh – but I rarely ever truly want to go back. However, today is a rare day and I’m finding myself wanting so much to go back to just one year ago and rewrite the script that flipped my life.
I miss her in a deeply private place and I can not mourn her anywhere other then there…or here.
I live each day with as much enthusiasm, joy and laughter I can muster. It’s not always easy. I smile from a place filled with resignation. I make love steeped in silent wishes and then sleep with fleeting glimpses of hazel eyes and soft yielding lips…
My life is not bad, it’s actually quite good. I am no longer breaking to the point of broken. I don’t cry as much which means the heartache is lifting and I don’t drink now to cover the pain. I still miss what once was with every fibre of my being, but I am…coping. Funny word “coping”. Filled with a multitude of interpretation; each personal and inexplicable. I learned to pick up my pieces and hastily glue them back together before the bell rings for round two a long, long time ago, but I have yet to teach my heart how to let go of desired love.
I still wake with her and walk with her in my dreams. I have no shame over this or guilt. I am who I am and I love how I do. It’s an honest love with no strings or expectations. It just is. And I can not change that about myself. Nor do I want to. My heart is who I am.
My love for her was the best thing for me. I wish it had been the best thing for her.
Feeling my wounds today.